"The Secret" Movie! Wow!

Wow! Awesome movie! Just saw it and yep, just about everyone in the whole world could benefit from seeing this. You can watch it over the internet for $5 or buy the DVD off their site. Everything I have just been learning lately about creating reality and how it all works is described in the movie - awesome. :)

Here's where you go to see it! :)

The Secret

Walking the Path of Well-Being

03-30-06 - 1:48pm

I was having a very hard time of it today - in a lot of pain in my mid-section, my right hip and my right elbow - and since I'm right handed that in particular is making life difficult. I got very frustrated and angry with it and myself. As I continued to work with moving into a better feeling place, it was especially difficult with the waves of pain as a constant, vigilant reminder of discomfort and dis-ease.

I heard the little voice of my inner child pipe up as she often has in the past, asking,

"What I did to deserve so much pain?!"

And this time I had an answer that I had come to over time working on the Abraham-Hicks list, with Keith, and with myself.

"I didn't do anything to deserve the pain...it just is, and I just am."

With that I was able to release the feeling of being punished for some forgotten crime, and just sit with the pain. After a while, the little voice piped up again, stating,

"I must have acted incorrectly somehow, at least... There must be some action I took that should be avoided in the future, 'cause this hurts! And pain is always bad!"

That's when I remembered the quote from the Sara book (Sara, Book 3 pg 119 by Abraham-Hicks), the gist of which was... Not all injury is bad. Not all pain is bad. The universe is an immense orchestra of which I am only hearing a small part, but with which I am inextricably intertwined... Good things may actually come from this - I just can't see them right now.

And then I remembered another quote a friend, Connee, often says - not sure if she got it from Abe or Science of the Mind or what, but it's one she says a lot. :) It goes something like,

"My body/Inner Being knows the quickest route to feeling good, even if I don't."

So, I was able to form a reply to the little voice once again. This time I said,

"For all I know, this pain I/we are feeling may be an amazing occurence. Whatever the case may be with it, it's not bad or good, it just is - and not only that, but it is moving toward my optimal well-being, even if it may not seem that way to me/us right now. I am/we are tough and strong - and can't we handle a little pain if it means so many much better things in the future? Actually, I bet we're tough and strong enough to even forget about it - or *maybe* even...just maybe... love it? Because it's doing what it's doing for me/us to be the most happy I/we can be. And if that's not something worth loving, what is?"

The little voice didn't reply to that one...but I could sense her thoughtfully mulling it over, and feeling proud of herself at the same time. :)

A Field Trip Back in Time

03-19-06 - 11:25pm - Unaltered Audio Recording -

"I just did an interesting exercise, where I went back to a time when I went through a traumatic period. I went back twice. And in doing so, I asked my inner child to come with me...the one that has so recently been liberated from the dilapitaded shack. We took a stop by her favorite place, which was a oven like thing that was made into a shelf where I kept my clothes and stuff when I was 7. She put on something fun that she liked to wear, and then we went on a trip! It was almost like a field trip.

First we went and visited me when I was 15, and I allowed Donny to coerce me, I guess? into doing sexual stuff with him. And, it was a real traumatic point. And, I allowed it to be that way. I made a choice, in my thinking, and I chose to be crushed. And so, she and I, and all of a sudden my higher self was there as well - all of a sudden I felt something bigger than *me*, even - was there, and sending her love, and showing her where she made the...

ehh, this is the interesting part. There was a ridge, a part where, eh... I don't have words for it... There's a single second or two in time, where it sticks up. And it's a point at which she made a decision to have a certain reaction. And it went against something - either against, or it wasn't her natural reaction. It was a choice to move away from the light and go into fear. But, it was like a real divide, and it left a scar, I guess...or a ridge, or...you can actualy feel, almost, with your mind.

And so, I engaged this 15 year old Dawn. And, little dawn and me and my higher self and are around her, and I had her look at that ridge. And she went into it and understood it, and let it go. And it was great! AndI could feel things moving in my body as it did, almost like taking a breath, feeling energy come back.

And then I invited her to come with us. And, she was game, though a little bewildered. So, we... her, little dawn, me and my higher self went back farther. To when I guess I was 5 or 6? And we went and encountered dawn when she was told about Good Touch/Bad Touch and went into her first nose-dive. (just to insert, here - I was molested when I was 3 years old and just thought it was a game at the time it happened, until I found out later that it was 'bad', and that you should never do it. And if it was done to you, tell someone right away - Or Else *you* were bad. Thing was, it was already done, years before. And I never said anything because it was no big deal at the time.)

It took longer than the previous one. She was very closed off, this one was very old. And it had ... it was very foundational for a lot of the things that came later in my life. So, it took some time to get her to look up, and get her to stop playing the record over and over and over again of the experience - of this horror, over and over and over. And, we sat with her, and it ended up that all of us had to dance around her and sing, to get her to look up and acknowledge us.

When she finally did look up, we took her to a park. And we engaged her by playing pattycake games, hand games, that she enjoyed at that time. They're pretty intricate, so she had to pay attention, and it distracted her long enough for her to realize that there was a ridge there to look at. And finally she looked into the ridge, and went into it, and realized what had happened - and let it go. And we hugged, and we returned to the scene, and I made sure she was all right. We even went forward a little bit, into the time when she was depressed, and the effects started to filter down into the future. And we sat with her through that for a little bit, and made sure she was okay. And, then we dispersed.

When I was working with that, my tummy started hurting...I needed to get up and eat a sack. But, yeah, so that was very interesting! It was spawned by reading Running from Safety by Richard Bach where he goes into his mind to find his inner child and he finds his inner child in a desert, looking at his memories. And the fact that the memories don't mean anything to him, without his adult stuff there to explain how they impacted his life, later... So, I went back and decided to work on those events in my life from that perspective. And, I had fun, and it felt pretty good, so... yeah! :) Figured I would record it."

03-19-2006 - 11:48pm

"I just did the same thing with a past life. I asked Archangel Gabriel to open a bridge, and I simply sat there with her in the moment of her dying. This is the Aushwitz woman who was beaten to death, and cursed God for there is no justice, and he had foresaken her. And I sat with her at that time, and I just...sat. My higher self was there, sending love. Just opening, and giving a little bit of extra energy, not really doing too much, myself, other than being present. Stayed with her until she was gone. Died.

Called in my higher self and all the guides of the guards who were beating her to death, and then her own guides. And then I asked for us to see things from the guard's perspective - they were so scared and lost, way deep down. She felt like me, but not me - guess that makes sense for a past life. It seems she found some measure of peace. Apparently healing flows forward in time, so, we'll see what the outcome is of this - if anything. If nothing, that's fine too. Just to know that there's a peaceful side now to the memory that was so painful...is good."

Vision of a Former Life

03-16-06 - 9:06am

"I saw myself as a woman in a Nazi concentraton camp with four men beating me with sticks. Yelling at me to confess, to confess already. I couldn't understand, I didn't know what it was they wanted, and I hadn't actually done a thing. And they were beating me...to death. I felt abandoned by God. I felt abandoned by justice. I just kept thinking, this couldn't happen to me. I can't die this way, somebody's going to come in at the last second and save me. I...I was beaten until I died. Bones breaking...just... being yelled at over and over to confess. To confess to the sins of being a Jew. And I wouldn't. I cursed God for there is no justice, and he had foresaken me. And I died."

The Ebb and Flow of Asking and Allowing

03-20-06 - 8:55am

I realized with manifesting stuff, there comes a point where, I have to let my mental mind leave the picture and just allow my Inner Being to be the only one to know what's really going on. Almost like I need to be coy with the situation - noting that it is moving, but not allowing myself to get mentally involved. Just experiencing it out of the corner of my eye, in a way. Otherwise, I over think it and go in to worry and all kinds of emotions follow the thoughts.

It's almost like a dance, where there is a time for each of you to take the lead. You lead, by voicing your desire. The Universe then takes the lead by bringing you your desire - which means you need to let go, and trust that the Universe has got it covered all by itself, even without your help! In fact, your 'help' is counter productive - it throws off the Universe's groove!

There comes a point at which you have to relax and allow yourself to be guided into place. Without fiddling with anything! If you try to Do something in the middle of the Universe's big finish, your force and the force of the universe will interfere with each other. It's like giving a short order cook a request, and then going back to the kitchen to help cook it, changing your mind on what you want half way through the process, and at the same time trying to figure out how the stove works while the guy is attempting to use it...

So, in other words, if you constantly try to Do what the universe is trying to do for you, you end up with...well... Something you probably didn't really want. A soft serve sandwich with a side of pickles, maybe... (Ew.)

EFT (emotional freedom technique - Dawn Style) has been helping me Let Go surprisingly well! :) Maybe not its original intent, but hey... It helps me to play the peek-a-boo game with my creations before I scatter them to the four winds with my currently-in-training scared monkey-mind.

Getting to know my Inner Being better has helped, too - I've been inviting her/him/it in during my daily meditation, and I've really been relaxing into the idea lately that my IB has always got my back... Relaxing into the knowing that she/he/it is powerful enough to align me with my best interests any day - even when I 'forget' to look and try to figure out what they are. :)

Creating from an Expanded Perspective - Releasing Attachment to Outcome

03-23-06 - 10:44am

I work all the time with manifestation concepts - the idea that we can actually create our reality, consciously, thrills me to no end. :) One of the primary tenents I have discovered is the need to release attachment to outcome. When we can relax into our desires, and know that our Inner Being (aka Higher Self) has our best interests in mind, we can allow into our experience something often times even better than we had hoped for or imagined for ourselves! Here's a personal story to illustrate my point. :)

I wanted to go to a conference being held by the Beacons of Light in Mount Shasta, California a couple years ago. I lived in Virginia at the time. The conference was being held on the night of a full moon, out in the forest in a remote area. There were going to be many lightworkers there, all talking about energy healing and ascending awareness and opening to Source and all *kinds* of things that really inspire me. I So wanted to go. I yeeeaaarrrned to go. :) I had *no* money - literally. No job, no prospect of getting one any time soon.

Well, I had just recently picked up a book called Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain that described a technique for creating your reality. At the time, I hadn't been introduced to the Abraham materials or much of anything else, really, and I thought this was nuts. Creating your reality? Are they joking? But! As I said, I really, really wanted to go - enough so that I was willing to give this idea a shot!

The technique said to meditate, and then visualize a scene you wanted to experience with as much detail as possible, then let it go out to the universe in a pink bubble. So, I thought about all the things that I would experience at Mt Shasta. Forest. Nighttime. Fire circle. Smell of pine trees. Isolated. Friendly people. Drumming. Smell of burning wood. Cool air. And then I put all the elements into a scene - Me walking in the middle of a long line of people making their way down a barely defined path through the trees, at night, heading toward a fire seen just in the distance.

As I was visualizing, I remembered someone describing emotion as E-Motion, Energy in motion - so I decided to give my chosen scene some oomph! I breathed life into the visualization, and by feeling the emotion it felt so *real*, like I was really there! (Very similar to the Virtual Reality technique Abraham recommends, though that's for a different purpose.) Through the span of the visualization I felt thrilled excitement. I felt supported and safe. I felt anticipation and a ton of other things. :) And then I wrapped the whole thing in a pink bubble of light, let it go out to the universe and blanked my mind, then opened my eyes.

Well, much to my disappointment, the day for signing up for the conference came and went - and no miracle. (I thought of this as a miracle back then - oh so far I have come! Though, really, it is still a miracle when you think about it. We've entered into an age where miracles are common place, oh my! :) ) I didn't give it too much energy, just sorta sighed inwardly and decided, you know? A real big part of the reason I wanted to go was because of the full moon, and the energy of meeting new people. Maybe something like that could be found more locally...

Five days before the Mount Shasta event was supposed to have been held, I looked on the internet and searched 'meetings' and 'full moon' and 'Virginia' and found a place called Pendragondale here in the area, and they were having something called a Full Moon Meet *that* weekend! There was to be a pot luck dinner followed by a fire circle, and drumming. There were going to be shamans there, and there was to be a totem animal meditation around the fire. So cool! They had a mailing list and I got on it, asking if there was anyone I could get a ride from, and it ended up that someone was going by my place on the way there and would be happy to pick me up.

So, day of the full moon, I went! The place was out in the middle of nowhere, really isolated in a woodsy area. Beautiful. It was a long trip, and I ended up becoming good friends with the person who gave me a ride there. When we arrived, there were many interesting people at the potluck to talk to. Everyone was really friendly, and I felt very supported as the 'newbie' in the group. As darkness approached several people went out a ways into the woods to an area apparently set up for the fire circle, to get the fire going. At full dark we heard the drumming begin, and the rest of us got up and went to join them. We could see the fire in the distance and it was the only thing to guide us because there was barely a trail to be had, through the trees.

I looked up, to get my bearings on the person in front of me as well as the fire in the distance, and in *that* step I walked into my manifestation. 100% exactly as I had visualized it. And it was perfect! More perfect than I could have ever engineered with my own local, personal perspective on reality.

My Inner Being had brought me something better than I hoped for, when I was back with my original intent of going to Mt. Shasta - these people were in my area and I could maintain contact with them easily! And health-wise at that time I don't think I could have made it through the flight and the hotel and everything involved with the conference. I would have been miserable. I made good friends, learned new things, and it was...well...Perfect! :)

My Current Premises Behind My Self-Work

03-16-06 - 11:58pm

The basic premises behind all of my work on myself, (that I can think of at the moment, anyway!) are these:

I trust myself that I have my best interests in mind and am always moving toward a better place. Wellness is an inside job, but I must remember to ask for help. Healing on any level takes courage, and I am just the person for the job. I'm the only person for the job, in fact, because no one can do it for me. I have the power to heal *anything* once I have the key to its creation. Healing occurs in layers, and it always comes down to letting in more love of myself. And, my most recent addition - labels are just things to move through, not to own.

Humanity's Team South Regional Gathering ~ April 7th Weekend, 2006!

03-16-06 - 5:01pm

This is a preliminary syllabus to a workshop I intend to give at the gathering. :)

Dream Your Life, Live Your Dream
~ the Basics of Manifestation, a Workshop ~

Introduction and Story Time – 45 minutes

Dream Your Life, Live Your Dream – 2hrs

Preparing Your Manifestation
- Setting Your Goal
- Believability
- Future-Present Perspective
- Doubt Triggers
- Scene Formation

Launching Your Manifestation
- Visualization
- Emotion Key
- Desire Pulse
- Sensory Details
- Breath
- Revision

Walking Into Your Creation
- Attachment
- Appreciation

'Hands-On' Playtime and Q&A
- Make a wish!

Body Talk

03-14-06 - 11:49pm

I had a fun thing happen! :) Somebody at the Abe meet on Sunday here in Reston, VA was talking about consciousness and how thoughts we think long enough take on a creative consciousness of their very own. I jumped from that to cells in the body - I'm sure Abraham has spoken on this subject before, about how wellness is our natural state of being, and about how our cells all have their own desires.

I also went to a workshop last night with a woman, Dipali of Sphere's of Essence, who talks about the 4-body system and how each system (physical body, mental body, emotional body, spiritual body) has its own overlighting consciousness which she referred to as a Deva. Diva?

Anyway! Grocery shopping. I got to thinking, and realized that I've been grocery shopping on auto-pilot for a while now. And even when I did really put thought into the typical items I would get, it wasn't taking my body's opinion into account. So, when I walked in to the store, I decided - I would ask! About time, eh?! :)

I walked into the produce section and looked at grapes. I asked my body, "Do you want this right now?" I got a strange sensation of...and here's where words escape me. Bear with me as I launch into metaphore and symbolism - it felt like running your fingers along sandpaper and smelling something cloyingly sweet. This wasn't pleasant. I took this to mean, "Nope, not for me right now!"

I looked at everything! And I got better at interpreting as I went along! I began to get a baseline of what particular sensations/feelings meant. My body practically jumped for joy when I looked at this big ole green leafy plant thing I had never eaten before. The sensation of a trilling on a piano followed by a cool drink and a smile (Oh, words...so inadequate for the task at hand). This was a very pleasant feeling - the best yet! - and I took it to mean, "YesYesYES!" I bought them. They turned out to be something called Swiss Chard, and upon looking them up on the internet they're graded like an A+ for veggies for the good stuff they have in them. Very cool! Props for my new guidance system as I busily go about collecting evidence that it actually works! :)

Canola oil? A low muttering feeling of cars on a highway - not pleasant. Cheese? A feeling of gliding evenly on warm air, in no hurry - pleasant. Ice Cream? A feeling of sitting in the middle of a see-saw - felt very neutral, so I took it to mean, eh, whatever! Diet Coke? A feeling of screeching on a highwire - definite NO, not pleasant. Chocolate? A funny humming feeling of yesnoyesnoyesno. I wasn't willing to give up chocolate either way, so I decided to take that as a yes. ;)

I told a friend about this today and she looked at me and said, "Oh, yeah - I've been doing that for years! I don't always listen...but when I remember to ask, it's always good advice."

Isn't this fun?! :) Even our bodies have desires! And we can talk to them and discover what they are! :) My lunch consisted of a couple slices of avocados, some imitation crab meat, a piece of cheddar cheese and a slice of nut-bread. Who would have thunk it? It was GREAT, the most satisfying best lunch ever. :)

Remembering the 'Real' You - A Practice of Re-Creation

03-13-06 - 11:28pm

I was about to fall asleep, and ended up reaching for my tape recorder. I paused with that, "Damn, that was pretty cool!" look on my face, then got up, turned my computer back on, and am now writing you all about it. *beam* I took the original, and expanded it post-recording because it made me happy. :) Here goes!

--
Remembering the 'Real' You - A Practice of Re-Creation

The concept of Dawn, my own identity, is simply a collection of beliefs that I hold about myself. And who I am can change to fit those beliefs. So... Dawn can be anything I want me to be, as long as I hold those things true. As long as I think them often enough for them to gain Belief status. I can be anyone... Funny Dawn, creative Dawn, charismatic Dawn, Dawn who is good with people ... bad with people, Dawn with no sense of humor, shy Dawn. Anything. Anyone.

The characteristics that I would think of as negative (and I would think of them as negative because of how they make me feel when I think of them - blech!) are likely not even *true* (though the entire concept of 'true' has now been thrown into question, of course). They're probably just things that other people told me they believed were true about who I was, and I bought into it. I believed them, and held their truths close - closer often times than even what I had come to know experientially - and made them our own. I made those other people's beliefs into my own truth, and thus they became my reality. They had no other choice, because that's the way our current thought-space-time thingie works. Thought creates.

It's when we're young that we first form our identity - our sense of Self. We do so so that we can interact with the world and with other people. I guess these 'negative things' I currently believe about myself were beliefs I picked up from people I was dependent on, respected, or feared...while growing up. Parents, family, teachers, friends and peers. Random people I met and interacted with...television, even, and books and music!

And yet, beneath all of this there still a core identity. Beneath all of this is the core essence of who we are, who we are as an individual spark of Being's essence. The summation of all that each of us has experienced, and come to *know* through that experience - not just been told. The Core truth of Me, of Self, augmented by what I have chosen to hold true - a preference generated through experience. A Desire. A Choice.

All the rest is just something that can fall away...and, to top that off, what we choose to hold true can change in any given moment! From situation to situation! Or through active choice - Dawn with no sense of humor could do some BOPPA'ing and wind up funnier than a stand up comic! *insert laugh here* ;)

We're forever on the leading edge of thought and thus of re-creation, the world and ourselves. With every experience, we experience ourselves anew. We come to know ourselves, anew, and fall in love with ourselves once more. I mean, come how, how could we not? We're just that cool! :) And if we're not that cool? Well...give us a day or two with our Book of Positive Personal Aspects...and we will be. :)

I guess the answer I've arrived at for Little Dawn and my question, "How do you know who the Real You is?" after much PowWowing with people via e-mail and Abe-Meetups on Sunday is:

"You know who you are - you can't help but be who you are. You are the reflection in, and of, the eyes of God. That low thrumming constant tone of love that's always there in the background no matter what? That's you. The real question you want to be asking is...Who do you want to be?"

Remembering the 'Real' You

03-12-06 - 10:30pm

I discovered Abraham stuffs a while back, but didn't really get into the experience of it until the beginning of the new year - January, when I decided that I was going to Feel Good no matter what. :) And it was awesome! I had a wonderful time meeting people like Connee and attending conferences and workshops and generally Feeling Good! Feeling good became an actual habit for me...and I believe that, much like building muscle, once you've done it for the first time, it's much easier to return to it.

This is what I feel like I've been doing ever since I went to that rheumatologist who had the audacity to tell me I would never get better. He really rocked my world - talk about taking a header off the top of a rollercoaster! Since then, I have been to a hypnotist who helped me reveal to myself the truth behind this dis-ease. Fear of abandonment, that wasn't mine to begin with. I was born terrified of being left alone - stories are likely told to this day of the baby who would scream if an adult wasn't in the room, and how they had to send the mother home early despite her C-section because of her uncooperative baby.

What I didn't know, and discovered through hypnosis in early February as I was able to pull up dozens of memories of my life with my mother that I hadn't put together before, was that it was my *mother* who was terrified of being abandoned. She was abandoned at a very early age, and put into the hands of extremely abusive new parents. She never got over it - and I picked up on her primary vibration before I was even born (I've always been very empathic). She came to understand that if you were sick, you weren't abandoned - and lived that way her entire life. Dust was her nemisis, first with asthma, and then with - you guessed it - rheumatoid arthritis.

She lived for a year after my father passed away - effectively abandoning her - and then died from complications arrising from rheumatoid inflammation. I can't imagine what life was like for my mother during that year...but I bet she learned a lot. My mom was always a fast learner, and when she died, it was a peaceful death to which I was lucky enough to be present to hear her last words as she crossed over... "Love is there..." The name of my website and business. :)

Back to me in the hypnosis chair - I discovered that dust wasn't my allergy either! It was my mom's! I realiaed I hadn't been allergic to dust for the first part of my life - I had picked it up around age 13. For 10 years or so it just caused me to sneeze. Then it started to go underground and pop up in the occasional sore joint - prelude to the place I am today, with three air-purifiers running in the house 24/7. I believe that am not allergic to dust any longer, but I haven't had the guts to test my theory and shut off the purifiers...

The hypnotist revealed to me that the origin of the dis-ease I am experiencing - fear of abandonment being triggered into a frenzy by my parents passing away - is no longer 'true'. She also revealed that the dust allergy is only a vehicle for maintaining the triggered state of dis-ease and, as far as my mom understood it, staving off more abandonment - and that it's not actually mine any more than the fear of abandonment was mine.

Once I understood this, I didn't spontaneously heal. My current understanding of this is that it takes more than just having a thing revealed, to release it - much of the underlying belief structure in my life is based on this first mis-understanding; fear of abandonment. My body's energetic structure has also patterned after this concept for all of my life.

I decided to go to an accupuncturist, to help me release these long-standing habitual patterns of thought (i.e. beliefs). My IB had nicely already had me schedule an appointment with someone, so I began my journey into re-patterning mySelf the following week. This would be the 2nd week of February.

It has been a crazy time! This re-patterning has a pattern of its own. It seems that three or four days after an accupuncture treatment I go into a rough spot including lots of pain and emotional anguish. This always seems to be revolving around a particular idea or concept that it is my job to then understand, unravel, and let go of. The next day, I'm back to 'normal' levels of pain and discomfort, and feeling pretty good again just in time to go back for another treatment.

A couple weeks ago my accupuncturist (who is AMAZING, by the way :) ) recommended using Milk Thistle as a supplement to my energetic detox. I got some, and started taking it. By that Wednesday (two days later) I was in extreme pain in the areas of the spleen, the pancreas, and the kidney on the left hand side. I called her and she said to get off of it immediately. By Thursday (March 2nd - some may remember the post I made with the likely now infamous words 'fork this!' in it...ahem...) I was in the middle of a bonafide Dark Night of the Soul.

It was hard. It was painful and brought me to the absolute limits of what I could handle at that time. I worked through many a concept revolving around the idea of deserving - as in, "What did I do to deserve this? Don't I deserve to feel good? I must have really messed up somehow or I wouldn't be in pain!" My inner child came to the forefront at this time, with her voice loud and clear. I wasn't new to working with her, but I hadn't in a while, and so I returned my focus there.

After a couple days, I began to feel better, though the world looked different somehow. As if I could reach out and touch the surface of reality. Tenuous...Not Real. I began to have feelings of impending death. And then I woke one morning last week (Ummm...March 8th) with the vision of a dilapidated shed/playhouse thing. It's paint was gone in most spots, faded and chipping. The boards were all warped with rusty nails popping out here and there. It appeared on the verge of falling over.

I realized someone was inside, but when I tried the door it was locked. And barricaded. And boarded over, apparently from the inside. All the windows were also boarded over, though the person had done a shoddy job of it and there were cracks between the boards. I pressed my eye to one of the cracks, with the smell of dust in my nose, and saw inside a little girl in a dirty, faded dress, crouching facing away from me on a bare dirt floor in a single shaft of light. There should have been more light considering all the holes in the roof - but there wasn't. Just that one, striking shaft with dust motes floating in it.

She looked up at me with tear tracks making their way through the dirt on her face, and her expression was wary. I suddenly understood that she was me...at least, she was Little Dawn... and that the shed represented the Lupus turned Rheumatoid Athritis turned Who Knows What. I have begun working with Little Dawn as she sits in her shed, talking to her through the cracks, telling her I love her and promising she doesn't have to come out until she's ready.

Closing the Gap

03-11-06 - 11:06pm

I've been going through quite a bit lately - a real Dark Night of the Soul kind of experience. It's as if everything came together all at once to push me right to the edge of tolerance - all in the span of a couple weeks. Extreme pain emotionally and physically, spiritual desolation, constant questioning. Everything took on sharp edges, and I more or less receeded into my own private space there for a little while.

Looking back now from a state of swinging the other way, I would call it a cocoon. There's a great quote by my favorite author, Richard Bach, that goes something like this:

"What a caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly."

I wouldn't presume to say I've left my cocoon in the form of a butterfly...but, I can say that I no longer hold a great many of the beliefs I held prior to my isolation. And I have come to many understandings that I would not have been able to reach, otherwise.

These times...must they be painful to serve their purpose? The caterpillar doesn't struggle against what is...it doesn't struggle against its natural impulses for transformation... Is it my struggle that causes so much pain, or have my ephiphanies and the release of old beliefs been a by-product of both?

Whatever the case may be... I have made the choice not to document my struggles here, but instead to focus on the ephiphanies, end products and higher understandings as I reach them - and thus you will likely notice an evolution of my own thought process over time.

I chose to do this at the risk of making my journey seem over-simple to the casual reader, but... I did so for good reason. Or at least I think so, right now. ;) I have done this because I don't want to focus on my suffering of the past - and I don't think you should have to, either. :)

Suffice to say, I have experienced a whirlwind of sudden understandings and growth, the effects of which are still spreading into my perception of reality like ripples in a pond, even now.

I felt very drawn to Tracy Chapman's CD, New Beginnings, during this time. Three songs in particular resonated so strongly with me that every time I listened it was like discovering them for the first time all over again. I will allow her to speak for me.

---

Tracy Chapman - I'm Ready

I want to wake up and know where I'm going
Say I'm ready
Say I'm ready

I want to go where the rivers are overflowing and
I'll be ready
I'll be ready

I'm ready to let the rivers wash over me
I'm ready to let the rivers wash over me

If it's love flowing freely
I'm ready
I'm ready

If the waters can redeem me
I'm ready
I'm ready

I'm ready to let the rivers wash over me
I'm ready to let the rivers wash over me

Oooooh, Oooooh

I want to wake up
I want to know where I'm going
I want to go where the rivers are over-flowing

I'm ready to let the rivers wash over me
I'm ready to let the rivers wash over me
I'm ready
I'm ready
I'm ready

---

Tracy Chapman - Remember the Tinman

There are locks on the doors
And chains stretched across all the entries to the inside
There’s a gate and a fence
And bars to protect from only God knows what lurks outside
Who stole your heart left you with a space
That no one and nothing can fill

Who stole your heart who took it away
Knowing that without it you can’t live
Who took away the part so essential to the whole
Left you a hollow body
Skin and bone
What robber what thief who stole your heart and the key

Who stole your heart
The smile from your face
The innocence the light from your eyes
Who stole your heart or did you give it away
And if so then when and why
Who took away the part so essential to the whole
Left you a hollow body
Skin and bone
What robber what thief
Who stole your heart and the key

Now all sentiment is gone
Now you have no trust in no one

Who stole your heart
Did you know but forget the method and moment in time
Was it a trickster using mirrors and sleight of hand
A strong elixir or a potion that you drank
Who hurt your heart
Bruised it in a place
That no one and nothing can heal

You’ve gone to wizards, princes and magic men
You’ve gone to witches, the good the bad the indifferent
But still all sentiment is gone
But still you have no trust in no one

If you can tear down the walls
Throw your armor away remove all roadblocks barricades
If you can forget there are bandits and dragons to slay
And don’t forget that you defend an empty space
And remember the tinman
Found he had what he thought he lacked
Remember the tinman
Go find your heart and take it back

Who stole your heart
Maybe no one can say
One day you will find it I pray

---

Tracy Chapman - Heaven's Here On Earth

You can look to the stars in search of the answers
Look for God and life on distant planets
Have your faith in the ever after
While each of us holds inside the map to the labyrinth
And heaven's here on earth
We are the spirit the collective conscience
We create the pain and the suffering and the beauty in this world

Heaven's here on earth
In our faith in humankind
In our respect for what is earthly
In our unfaltering belief in peace and love and understanding

I've seen and met angels wearing the disguise
Of ordinary people leading ordinary lives
Filled with love, compassion, forgiveness and sacrifice

Heaven's in our hearts
In our faith in humankind
In our respect for what is earthly
In our unfaltering belief in peace and love and understanding

Look around
Believe in what you see
The kingdom is at hand
The promised land is at your feet
We can and will become what we aspire to be

If Heaven's here on earth
If we have faith in humankind
And respect for what is earthly
And an unfaltering belief that truth is divinity
And heaven's here on earth

I've seen spirits
I've met angels
I've touched creations beautiful and wondrous
I've been places where I question all I think I know
But I believe, I believe, I believe this could be heaven
We are born inside the gates with the power to create life
And to take it away
The world is our temple
The world is our church
Heaven's here on earth

If we have faith in humankind
And respect for what is earthly
And an unfaltering belief
In peace and love and understanding
This could be heaven here on earth
Heaven's in our heart

Guided Manifestation

03-06-06 - 12:56pm

I learned something new! This was one of those 3am waking up with an idea to try something experiences. I did it, feeling guided as I did so to do things a certain way. It was around 5am by the time I totally got it, and I've reproduced what I was 'shown' or 'figured out' - however you want to look at it - here. :) I would greatly appreciate any feedback or riff ideas anyone may have. :)

For the visualizations below, I did not manufacture them, per say. I allowed them to come to me. In explanation, I put in my mind that I wanted to create a manifestation visualization for being in the state of having money. I also put in my mind the primary emotions I wanted to feel overall through the visualization, and these were: Accomplishment and pride, excitement, anticipation and eagerness, freedom and stability and expansion.

I took a deep breath and released my mind - I did my best to stop thinking. And in popped a scene fully formed. I explored it to lock the details in, and added some more details, refining the vision. If I felt stress or a clenching feeling in ANY way around the vision, I either revised or let it go entirely and started over.

Once I had a vision ready to go, I put myself into it, and then I found myself beginning to breathe deeply. I was 'guided' to maintain deep, diaphragmic breathing while visualizing, and I found that it raised my consciousness up another notch by doing so. Cool beans! (Wow, I haven't said that since I was a kid! Huh! :) )

So there I am, in the middle of living my creation via visualization and practing my very best Virtual Reality know-how (Get in, feel the height of good, then get out) when I get the concept of doing it for 68 seconds, as per Abraham-Hicks teachings. Well, I tried it, and apparently keeping the height of ecstatic experience going for 68 seconds is beyond my current ability. So! Why not 17 seconds, four times in a row? That would add up to 68 seconds, and AH is always going on about the wonder of 17 seconds, so why not?

So, I did! And it ended up that 17 seconds was just the perfect amount of time to get in, run the reel of the visualization to the point of its most ecstatic height, and then get out. 17 seconds I could do. It almost felt like a pulse of some sort - like a wave pattern or something, and because of this it was even more powerful. The 4th and last 17 second stint was the most ecstatic of all - as if it had built on the energy of the previous crests.

I then felt guided to come up with three other visualizations in the same vein, but from a slightly different angle, and to experience each of them 4 times at 17 second intervals as well. And so I did. :)

I found that sometimes a doubt would creep in, and when that happened I would back up, stop, keep breathing, and then start the 17 second leg over again. I found myself revising the scene as required to allow me to experience it without the doubt being triggered.

I have re-created the visualizations I used below, in further explanation of that process. :)

Manifestation Request: I Have Money! :)

Chosen Visualizations:
1. Depositing a large check.
Auxillary Details:
It's daytime. I'm outside, alone, walking up the stairs to the bank with the check in my hand. The sun is shining and it's nice out and a breeze is tugging at my hair. This is just one check out of the several I have received and am going to be receiving, and I'm thrilled that I have earned it doing what I love.
Primary Emotions: Bubbly soul-level excitment, pride, accomplishment, eagerness, freedom, gratitude

2. Walking into the grocery store planning a special dinner for my husband.
Auxillary Details: It's daytime. I am walking through the doors of Harris Teeter after having just looked up an Italian recipe of some sort on the internet. I am there to buy the ingredients just for dinner that night, and I am excited to have the opportunity to create such a decadant meal. I intend to buy all the most expensive ingredients just because I can, and it will be all out of my own money and will barely create a dent. I have the name of a favorite wine in my head, reminding myself to pick it up on the way out.
Primary Emotions: Accomplishment, creativity, decadence, deserving, eager, anticipation, pride, appreciation

3. Standing at the checkout during a regular grocery visit.
Auxillary Details: This is my regularly scheduled weekly grocery trip. I am standing at the checkout counter with my debit card in hand knowing that I am now earning enough money doing what I love to take over paying for the monthly grocery bill. I am exuding so much joy that even the checker notices.
Primary Emotions: Pride, freedom, accomplishment, stability

4. I'm out to lunch with friends and I take the check.
Auxillary Details: I'm out with several good friends and we've had quite a meal. When the waitress comes with the check I take it and smile at them all and say, "I've got this one!" They smile back at me, knowing how well off I have been just recently, and happily allow me to pay.
Primary Emotions: Accomplishment, gratitude


Notice how three out of four have to do with food? I'm not sure why this is. My theory is that the Root Chakra and Sacral Chakra are the primary energy centers when it comes to food and money, and this manifestation request is linked in to that energy. I also feel very safe with this, in that at the current time, my husband pays all the bills.

He gives me a check twice a month that I deposit and use to pay for gas and groceries. I make a little money on the side doing Tarot parties and teaching energy healing modalities, but not enough, or steady enough, to make an impact on the bills. My husband graciously allows me to use what I make right now as fun money for myself. :)

So! Being able to pay the grocery bill would be a big deal for me, and yet the request is made in a safe way because I know currently that it's taken care of already for as long as I want or need - so there's no pressure and I can allow the manifestation to proceed unhindered by my own stress about needs not being met.

I'm really just pulling those theories out of thin air, after the fact, though. At the time of their creation, I trusted that my Inner Being would only bring me visions that I could use for my greatest and highest good. All that was up to me to make them sing. Wondering about *why* the particular ones were chosen for me by my IB is just an after thought activity and definitely not one I took part in *before* doing the manifestation exercise. To do so would likely have led me to over-thinking it, and probably would have undermined its power. :)

I have to say, I felt SO alive while doing this. More alive than I have felt in weeks! It was invigorating and exciting and fun to do. I just experienced this the other day, Sunday morning I think it was, so I have yet to be able to report upon the validity of the technique. However, I am not new to manifestation techniques, and this particular technique felt so GOOD to perform, just like all of the other manifestation techniques that I used to great success.

Thank you for being a part of my joy! Playing with manifestation techniques, figuring out how they work, and how to make them work even better, really thrills my soul. :) And it's always great to share that with others - so much more fulfilling than just talking to myself! Though I do that, too... ;)

For the record, I also attempted to create a visualization to use for work with my own rheumatoid arthritis healing journey. I wasn't able to vibe with it enough to do so... I tried to visualize and get into the feeling of it and would come up short over and over. I was, however, able to discover some new angles as to why I am where I am right now, so it's all good. :) I guess, sometimes we just aren't yet in the right space to be able to formulate our desire freely enough to let it come to us. And that's okay. :)

Face Reading! :)

02-20-06

Rose Rosetree did a reading for me on the air, on the radio! :) How cool is that?! Here's the picture she used:

And here is the link to the broadcast! She did the reading where I'm included on the 20th of February, and I think my particular reading comes up around 40 minutes in. :) (You have to sign up for a free account with them to listen, btw!)

http://www.xzone-radio.com/archives.htm

She did a bunch of different readings and I found it quite interesting to listen to. :) Enjoy!

Music and Emotion

02-17-06 - 11:51am

I had two experiences that made me key in to music, big time, and it was the second experience that led me to want to share what I had discovered. But I didn't know how to put it into words! Heh, perhaps I still don't, but I'll ramble on for a bit here, anyway. :)

The first experience:

I was in a class at the Arlington Metaphysical Chapel here in Virginia. I wanted to take part in the Spiritual Healing they offer before every service, as a healer, and to do that you needed to take a class and become certified in it! So, I was standing next to a woman who hadn't decided if she believed in this whole 'energy healing thing' just yet. To help her experience the coolness that is energy healing in an
especially noticible way, the teacher had the rest of the class, 4 other people, form a circle around her.

We all had our hands up, palms out toward the woman, and we were told to send energy to her. I had some experience with energy healing already, so it was easy enough for me to close my eyes and begin. But then I had a very new and awesome, yet shocking, experience! I felt the energy rushing through me and out my hands, as usual, but then I felt myself lift up and move forward toward the woman and place my 'hands' upon her. It was almost as if I could see her, even though I had my eyes closed, and I felt the most intense love and sense of well-being... It was really amazing.

The reason I mention it here is becuase as this happened, I heard (?) music! The most beautiful amazing not-music I have ever heard. I couldn't explain it - I still can't! - but to call it music is the only word I feel comes even close to whatever this was. It was ... sound but not sound... It was... beauty. I have no idea what it was, except that it was so wonderful that it brought tears to my eyes.

The second experience:

I was in Ai Chi a week after the above experience (Ai Chi is just like Tai Chi, but it's in the water and good for those working with joint stuff) and the instructor put some music on. I was flowing with the motions, really getting into it, when I noticed the music and realized that it was almost as if the music was moving *me*. Everything flowed so perfectly, but the thing that made me want to post about it here was the
connection with the emotion I was feeling! As the music changed, my emotion changed! Somehow a certain set of chords put together in a certain way was bringing out an emotion in me that I wasn't feeling prior to hearing it! I thought about how maybe music could act as some sort of an emotional set point or guide or... I dunno!

I suddenly realized that everything from crushing anguish to soul lifting ecstasy... it can all be portrayed in music without a word being spoken. Music! It's all around us, all the time - it's *in* us, in our emotions! Our emotions *are* music! :)


mu·sic n.
1. The art of arranging sounds in time so as to produce a continuous,
unified, and evocative composition, as through melody, harmony, rhythm,
and timbre.


Each being *is* a piece music. Each person/cat/dog/tree etc., (and I bet even rocks and all that exists qualifies!) is a unified field of vibration moving under its own will and its own composition as it flows through time. Each of us gets to choose our vibrations and what we're singing in every given moment! :)

To take this even a step further, each of us is of the original sound of God, split into parts so that we might revel in the ectsasy that is playing our own song - and listening to and witnessing and playing in harmony (or discord!) with the song of others.

To quote Neil Diamond a la the movie soundtrack to Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach (my favorite book and soundtrack of all time)

Songbird, make your tune...for none may sing it just as you do (And let your song be heard!)