Digital Fast - "Where do I go from here?"

04-30-06 - 11:50am

I got up this morning, and upon connecting to the internet and checking my e-mail, I was barraged with a series of interesting things. One thing after another of, 'oh, that's cool, maybe I'll do that...'

I realized, I had lost my center. I had no idea what the Me of me actually wanted... I took a moment to think about it, and realized - I have been very distracted for quite a while, now. I have been making progress, for sure, but I've been running from one thing to the next so fast that I've barely had time to take it all in!

I'm at a great point right now for unplugging for a bit. The class I was teaching has wrapped up until Fall. I have no commitments coming up, nothing scheduled for the next month or so... So, that's what I'm going to do. :)

Below is a copy of the message that will go out to anyone who e-mails me for the next 14 days. :)

-----

Hi! :) This is an auto-responder message!

I have decided to go on a two week Computer/Internet/Television fast! :) I am creating this experience for myself because I have been feeling a real desire to lower distractions to a minimum, and to spend some time getting re-connected with the Me of me. It may be boring at first...but I believe that right on the other side of boring I will enter a grounded, centered space from which I will be able to more clearly see where I've been, where I am, and where I would like to go next. :)

So! You have received this message because, before I disconnected from the digital world, I set up my internet account to send this out to anyone who e-mailed. :) I wanted to make sure people knew that I care greatly about their communication, and that I will be responding 'in person' some time mid-Mayish.

Thank you for being you! I look forward to returning to an Inbox full of messages just like yours upon my return. :)

If you know me personally, or you're contacting me through my business card, feel free to give me a call! Phones I will be answering. :)

*hugs!*
- Dawn

The Emotional Journey - Destination: Wellness

04-25-06 - 11:02pm

I was driving home from Winchester tonight - a 2hr commute - and listening to one of the Abraham-Hicks tapes... And for the first time their talk about the emotional journey resonated in a very real way for me.

Take the journey from sickness to wellness, for instance. Dis-ease, in metaphysical circles, is commonly understood to be caused by an emotional resonance held on to for so long that it manifests itself physically. Louise Hay, Caroline Myss, Wayne Dyer - they're all saying it: Think something often enough, long enough and with feeeling, and it'll appear. In the back of Louise Hay's book, You Can Heal Your Life, she has a chart with all the most common dis-eases and there emotional counterparts.

So...basically...wellness is allowed in when toxic emotional habits are shifted to a better feeling place long enough to counter-balance the length and intensity of the originating toxic emotional habit.

That's a mouth full. :) Here's an example. For instance, for me, as quoted from Hay's book -

Joint difficulties - Represents changes in direction in life and the ease of these movements

That was basically me in a nutshell, (the lack of those things) before all this joint stuff set in, which was brought to an extreme when my parents died. Ease of movement and I parted ways for quite a while there - we weren't even on speaking terms for at least a couple years leading up to their death, and another year and a half following, on all different levels of my being.

So...my journey from dis-ease to wellness has been one of slowly easing out of the habitual thought patterns associated with not flowing with and accepting change.

Thoughts thought over and over again, with a lot of emotion (e-motion, energy in motion) behind them. Sound familiar? My very own body has become a roadmap for my recovery! Every symptom points to an emotional journey I once took, that I can now choose to un-take by habitually thinking different thoughts and feeling different emotions.

Which, in other words, means re-building myself and my thought/feeling patterns from the ground up. I wonder how far one must go...is a piece by piece de-construction and re-construction necessary, or would just feeling 100% joy for a month be enough to spontaneously heal one's self forever?

I bet it's a bit of both...That would make sense, otherwise the old original habitual patterns would set back in again, eventually, and thought and emotion would dutifully re-create the disease as directed. But feeling a lot of joy would certainly move the process along - lot of energy in motion and happy thoughts would be bound to have a positive effect.

So, that could be considered the new prescription for any dis-ease! Much Joy and Introspection for all! :)

Close Encounter of the Crystal Kind

04-22-06 - 10:16pm

It all began one spring afternoon a few weeks ago when my friend Sharon and I stopped in at a local crystal shop after Ai Chi (tai chi in the water - *great* stuff!). I go there a lot and am pretty familiar with what they carry, but, for the first time, I felt myself drawn to the very back of the store where they have some locked glass cases. You know the kind, the Everything In Here is Very Expensive cases. ;)

My eyes locked on to an amazing stone! Nothing else in the case mattered to me, just that one stone... It was long and very sharp, and as I thought this over, an image flashed in my mind of me poking my swollen joints with the thing! Talk about weird. I walked away from the case and pretended not to be drawn to it for a good five minutes before I finally broke down and asked to look inside.

The saleswoman took it out for me herself (another sure sign that it was beyond my budget) and gingerly handed it over. I didn't feel any zaps or charges or anything as I took the crystal...I just noted that it was indeed very sharp, and the image again flashed through my mind of how good it would feel (?) to stiple the needle point against my joints. Too weird. I handed it back to the woman, who helpfully told me it was called Zincite, and that that particular piece could be had for $28. (I had never spent more than $5 on any one stone up to that point, before)

I walked away again. And my eyes were drawn to a book on stones. I had only had a passing interest in crystals up to that point - certainly not enough of one to go and buy a book on them. But, I could *look*, couldn't I? Zincite...I had never heard of zincite before...why not? I looked it up in The Book of Stones. Apparently Zincite works with the first three chakras, and helps to increase life force...something I could really use.

I ended up leaving the store without the crystal, but it kept coming to mind over the next few days. I found myself looking Zincite up on the internet. Very good for releasing toxins, huh? I had come to understand that there were likely toxins stored up in my body (and likely the joints themselves), perpetuation the inflammation cycle. Hm. I found myself checking out eBay to see if I liked any specimens of a slightly cheaper persuasion...I didn't. They weren't long enough. Or sharp enough.

I finally decided to go back and buy the crystal - and upon deciding, it was almost like a fever. I had to have it! So I rushed right out there and...the store was closed! :P I felt sort of like I got what I deserved, playing hard to get in the first place. So, after one more day's wait, I was able to get it first thing the next morning.

I took it right home and cleansed, charged and programmed it, and then used it just as I had seen in my 'vision'. Talk about awesome! It *felt good*, really good! Very weird, but okay... I brought the Zincite to my accupuncturist a week later (after using it every other day all week), and showed it to her, telling her what I was doing. She said that it was amazing! That the practice was doing very good things - stimulating the area, getting the Chi moving, etc., and to keep it up. My hands were actually noticibly healthier, so much so that friends commented on them without prompting!

I no longer play hard to get with crystals. ;) I have purchased The Book of Stones since then - *Really* good, I really recommend it - and have fallen in love with two pieces of pink calcite. Wow, just looking at them makes me feel so good! So happy. I again bought them upon prompting, no idea what they were for. At first I picked just one up but I honestly and truthfully could swear it actually called out for its mate, the other stone it had been with in the plastic bin. I couldn't bear to part them, so, bought both.

It ends up that they are wonderful for working with releasing deep grief and trauma, and bringing about a sense of well-being. They help the heart-mind to wake up and become stronger. All I know is, I can't get enough of them. I wear gloves to bed at night, to keep my hands warm, and I've actually taken to often tucking one stone inside each glove just before going to sleep. I've had some pretty realistic, intense dreams whenever I've done this.

I really wonder - how could I have been asleep to this amazing, wonderful world for so long? I had some crystals, and knew I enjoyed the large piece of rose quartz that a friend had gotten for me as a birthday present, but...there's so much more out there to explore! I feel like a kid in a candy store, with this wonderful book as a guide to whole new worlds of experience. How lucky can a person get!? :)

Dawn's Positive Motion EFT-Based Process! :)

04-18-06 - 3:30pm

This technique is a hybrid! :) It is a cross between the original EFT, and Abraham-Hicks moving up the emotional scale technique as described in their book Ask and it is Given. I created this through the help of my guides, and have been using it to great success in *major* areas of my life that caused a great deal of anxiety in me.

I'm offering it here because it's so powerful, because it works for me, and because you won't find it anywhere else since to the best of my knowledge I'm the only one who's created it so far. :)

Dawn's Positive Motion EFT-Based Process! :)

1. Tap the karate chop point just below the base of your pinkie, on the side of your hand. Think about what's causing your anxiety, then rate your anxiety level on a scale of 1-10.

2. Come up with a positive affirmation. Choose one that isn't too far from where you are – saying it should make you feel just a little bit better. It should not make you feel more tense.

3. Tap once again at the karate chop point, take a deep breath, and say your affirmation. Saying it with feeling every time you say it helps this work a whole lot better.

4. For each of the following points, breathe deeply and tap for as long as it takes for you to say your affirmation.

- Tap the inside eyebrow point.
- Tap the outside eye point.
- Tap the point just below the eye.
- Tap the point just below the nose.
- Tap the chin point.
- Tap the point found on the inside end of the collar bone.
- Tap the point found underneath the arm, just above where your elbow would lie if you had your arm down.
- Tap the point found at the top, middle of your head.

5. Return to the karate chop point. You have now come full circle. Tap there, and take a new reading on your anxiety level. Where is it now, on a scale of 1-10? If your level is above 2, go through another round! If you've reached 2 or below – congrats, and enjoy! :)

6. If your level is above 2, choose a NEW affirmation. This time, reach a little farther than you did last time, and affirm something even closer to where you would like to eventually feel about this. Be sure, again, not to scare yourself. No Extra Tension! Small Steps! :)

How do I know I've found the right spots?
The points are at the slightly tender spots – they're different for everyone, so find yours before you begin. They'll be found in the general areas shown in the image above.

Does it matter which hand I use, or what side of the body I tap on?
Nope! The points can be found on either side of the body – just do what feels most natural, for you.

Do I tap with my whole hand, or a finger or what?
Use at least two fingers, the index and middle finger. There are points there, too!

Where does this come from?
Gary Craig came up with the original EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). Abraham-Hicks created the process of moving up the emotional scale that I used when creating this modified version of EFT. And who am I? I'm Dawn Kull of ”Love is there...”! :)

Feel Good! :)Virtual Reality Audio Meditation for April!

I *love* the Abraham-Hicks materials, and the idea of doing their Virtual Reality process just really tickled me! :) I also love doing guided meditations for people, and so, I thought - why not? So, for your listening enjoyment and feeling goodness pleasure, I happily present April's Virtual Reality Feel Good Meditation! *beam* You can listen by visiting my website, here:

http://www.loveisthere.com/feelgood/

And if you would like to contribue *your* favorite virtual reality idea for next month's (or whenever I feel like doing one, next!) Feel Good meditation, please e-mail me at dawn@loveisthere.com and I will include it! :)

Thanks, and en-joy! :)
*hugs!*
- Dawn

The Universe Moves - Fun with Photoshop :)

Doctor Talk - Cross Posting with Anita :)

04-12-06 - 10:40pm

Anita said...

Well, you mentioned in one of your earlier entries the idea that you want to find someone who believes in your well-being, not in your illness -- and this is a theme that has come up in sessions I've had with Rose. In fact, I copied that part of your blog and e-mailed it to her and she suggested the idea of cross-posting.

Also, your new entry about the surgery (what was the diagnosis, BTW, it sounds like it was compression of some of the nerves in the spinal column) -- that resonates with me on two levels: 1) as a future physician, and 2) as a woman/minority.

I never knew the diagnosis, actually. My dad took over, and I never knew anything. They never actually talked to me, even though I was 15. And I was so scared and used to being ignored that I was afraid to rock the boat - so I never asked.

1) As the future physician, it's so hard to know when patients are really ill and when they are just hypochondriacs. I can think of a friend who complained all the time about something minor, and eventually, I just became unsure about whether she was really ill or not. Of course, the onus of responsibility (and liability) is always on physicians to check everything out, but someone I know tells me that her co-workers see a doctor for anything and everything because their insurance will cov
er it and their co-pay is minimal. This doesn't really bother me, to be quite honest, but it infuriates her. Maybe because they use it as a reason to get out of work.

2) The same person who made the above comment doesn't believe racism/sexism exist, which infuriates me. Too often, women and minorities have been "dismissed" out of hand, people without power are just ignored and dismissed. The fact that you were a child and a woman really resonates with me on that very deep level. And the anger and anguish that this causes and leaves on the soul also resonates with me as well.

I can only speak for myself on this - I'm sure everyone likes things a little differently. But, keeping in mind that this is coming from someone who has *major* trust issues when it comes to doctors...

Ideally, how would you want to be treated as a patient?

I want to be treated as a person, not a set of statistics or test results. I want them to look me in the eye and actually *see* me. I want them to have the capacity to understand that anyone can heal from anything, and that their business is facilitating that - not medicating it or making it go away.

What do you find frustrating in physicians?

I dislike it when they think medication is always the answer. I *really* don't like that look of pity they get in their eyes, sometimes. I'm not interested in pity, nor do I think it helps one bit. I want someone to see me as a puzzle - as wellness waiting to happen as soon as the imbalance is corrected. I have found it frustrating in the past when I am with a physician who has gotten stuck in their own way of thinking - the medication box, or the physical therapy box, etc. They see everything through a particular lens, and have stopped growing and reaching for new ideas. Just more of the same old ones.

Exactly what kinds of attitudes do you see and what kinds of attitudes do you want to see instead?

I've seen a lot of damage control mentality. A lot of medicate it until it stops moving mentality. A lot of treatment of the dis-ease instead of the person. There seems to be very little connection between the mind, body and emotions in doctor's mindsets, but! this does seem to be changing, albeit slowly. :)

What changes do you think would really help you and the medical system overall?

I would like to see more of a holistic form of treatment - one where the entire person is taken into consideration. Thought and emotion creates - our beliefs matter, and our habitual thoughts are, in my belief, what create a majority of - if not all - the diseases out there. Doctors having knowledge of this principle would be an awesome start, or at least of the four body system (body, mind, emotions, spirit) would be a great start. :)

I am really, for instance, enjoying my experience at Metropolitan Chiropractic in Vienna. The place is *awesome!* You have three different people specializing in three different things - chiropractics, cranial sacral massage, and accupuncture - all working in the same building and co-creating a healing experience for their patients *together*.

There's no disconnect, where you're referred to someone and then never thought of again. When I've been referred out before by 'western' doctors, it's sort of like the ball is passed to someone else and you're no longer the original doctor's patient. Maybe that's just my experience, but...

The thing I enjoy most about the experience there, and with all doctors that I've had experiences with that could be considered 'good'? They actually *see* me. I'm a person, not a dis-ease. And, I'm a person who has the capacity for wellness, just waiting to happen, no matter what the numbers might say. :) The numbers are just used as a way to chart progress, not as the end-all authority used to make a diagnosis and turn me into a set of symptoms.

I never want to have a diagnosis ever again. :P I know it's important to know what route of healing to take and all that, but...the way a doctor's eyes glaze over when they peg you with a specific set of limits to work in - when they put you in a box - is daunting, to say the least.

Indigo Child Turned Crystal Adult

04-12-06 - 5:50pm

On Tuesday, April 11th, in a comment to my entry entitled The True Power of Face Reading, Anita said...

I have a similar question as Karin's -- how do you know you were an indigo child and then turned into a crystal adult? Were you told this or is it something you intuited on your own? -A

Great question! :) I had referred Karin, who commented previously on that same post, to a website called Starchild Ascension. But I realized, in light of Anita's comment, and especially considering it's right up there in my description of myself and the reason for this blog - that maybe a deeper explanation was in order. ;) So, here goes! :)

I was born right on the cusp of the Indigo wave - that is, in November of 1975. To my understanding, those born before 1970ish weren't generally born Indigo children...though, of course, anyone can be anything, depending on their state of consciousness and their desire and willingness to expand themselves.

As far as my understanding of all this goes, to be born an Indigo child means to be born with an elevated level of conscious awareness, an evolved awareness that is inherent - i.e. they're born with it and don't have to work for it. This was, apparently, the next step in human evolution.

And now come the Crystal children. As of the new millenium onward, children of an even higher frequency vibration are coming in - with an even higher level of inborn consciousness and awareness. Children born awake, aware and totally connected.

Here's an exerpt from Doreen Virtue's article, Indigo and Crystal Children:

The first thing most people notice about Crystal Children is their eyes, large, penetrating, and wise beyond their years. Their eyes lock on and hypnotize you, while you realize your soul is being laid bare for the child to see. Perhaps you've noticed this special new "breed" of children rapidly populating our planet. They are happy, delightful and forgiving. This generation of new lightworkers, roughly ages 0 through 7, are like no previous generation. Ideal in many ways, they are the pointers for where humanity is headed ... and its a good direction!

The older children (approximately age 7 through 25), called "indigo Children", share some characteristics with the Crystal Children. Both generations are highly sensitive and psychic, and have important life purposes. The main difference is their temperament. Indigos have a warrior spirit, because their collective purpose is to mash down old systems that no longer serve us. They are here to quash government, educational, and legal systems that lack integrity. To accomplish this end, they need tempers and fiery determination.

Those adults who resist change and who value conformity may misunderstand the Indigos. They are often mislabeled with psychiatric diagnoses of Attention Deficit with Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) or Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). Sadly, when they are medicated, the Indigos often lose their beautiful sensitivity, spiritual gifts and warrior energy..........In contrast, the Crystal Children are blissful and even-tempered. Sure, they may have tantrums occasionally, but these children are largely forgiving and easy-going. The Crystals are the generation who benefit from the Indigos trailblazing. First, the Indigo Children lead with a machete, cutting down anything that lacks integrity. Then the Crystal Children follow the cleared path, into a safer and more secure world.

So, basically, I was born an Indigo child - awake, aware, old way beyond my years on day one, extremely empathic, yadda yadda yadda. I have since woken up to this and what it actually means. I explored this for a while, worked a great deal with healing and learning and soul searching and meditation...and came to a point where I discovered who I really am, and who I want to become.

I have now consciously chosen a path of peace, love, and service. It is my life's mission to help others awaken to their own light, their own potential. I'm a waker upper. :) And so, through some work over the last three years and some major shifting of consciousness, I have now awakened myself to Crystal Adulthood - the path of love and service to humanity, because there is nothing I want more than that. :) Well, other than to be happy, myself - but, that *would* bring me happiness and fulfillment.

Or, I should say, it does. :)

Learning to Let Go...

04-10-06 - 1:59pm - Unaltered Audio Recording

"A lot, and I do mean a *lot*, of my major life lessons and everything else that's happened, have been around the idea of my not letting go of things when they've come to their natural conclusion. Because of fear, of fear of loss, or whatever.

Everything has a season, a natural order, a cycle. A beginning, a blossoming, a growing, and moving forward. It is my job to come in...and help blossom things, and to grow, and to enjoy them, and then to move on. And I can either move on gracefully and easily, with flexibility, and Let Go. Or I can cling and refuse to go on to where I'm supposed to go...and experience a great deal of pain because of it.

This is a theme that's repeated itself over and over in my life. Even now... It's the clinging that hurts me. I stay beyond my time...

There's a natural order of things...and I'm so powerful, and I'll be even more powerful when I learn to dance with the give and take and the flow, and the ebbing. The waxing and the waning...it just happens as a part of human life, and I'm not used to that. I fight it, because I'm afraid...of the dying. Of the waning...of the Going Away...

And yet there's a part of me that knows it's time, every time. With everthing that happend, there was always a moment where I knew it was time to let go, and I chose not to.

I think it all comes down to a matter of faith and trust...trust in the seasons. Trust in nature... Trust that there is no true end, it just cycles, and it'll cycle on a spiral upward if I allow it to, into more and more magnificent experiences. But I need to let go of the lower levels, to move on to the higher. And I'm on a fast track...going very high very quickly. I've chosen this. There just isn't room for me to hold on to stuff...my life lesson is about learning to let go."

----

~ Vamos Communicates ~

"It may help to think of it this way... This dis-ease you are experiencing, this joint pain, is teaching you ease and grace. It is teaching you what you most need to learn. Because of it you are keenly aware of when you get out of balance and move into resistance. This is your training ground, created to perfectly suit you and who you have chosen to become."

~ Vamos

Introducing - Vamos! :)

04-11-06 - 7:30pm

I have a new (old) spirit guide! :) It (though I refer to it as a he for ease of language - 'it' just feels so impersonal) is a white dragon/gargoyle-like creature. He first showed up in a vision I had during my Master level Shambhala Multi-Dimensional healing attunement, as white gargoyle with a dragon's face over-looking a vista from a very high vantage point.

I found myself sitting beside him on his right side, watching the sun rise over a beautiful valley, lighting the land in a rainbow of colors. It was as if the whole world was down there - we were well above several different layers of puffy white clouds. I could see rivers leading to oceans, deserts, rain forests, cities - all kinds of things! All nestled in a valley surrounded by beautiful, snow capped mountains.

I could feel the power rolling off him in waves - the power to move worlds - and yet I wasn't frightened. I sensed that this power was of the protective sort, and that it was being generated on my behalf. I looked at him and realized he was intensely watchful, almost entirely absorbed by the scene below. It was then that I realized that he was *my* guardian! I had an amazingly powerful gargoyle guardian of my very own! :)

Other than checking in on the feel of him now and again and reassuring myself he was still there, that was the last I saw of him, until just recently. He resurfaced in response to a request for help that I made not that long ago, when I was at a deeply low place and in a lot of pain. I 'felt/heard' that all I had to do was ask for help, and to know that help was, in fact, already on its way.

I did. And in popped this cute little white dragon of a creature, all playful, almost puppy-like! :) Utter cuteness. He had no voice of his own, but communicated well enough with body language, waves of emotion and images - I had no problem understanding him, and in fact the lack of language made it easier for complex concepts to be described.

Not that he was all that interested in complex concepts, at first. He was more there to lend comfort and love and make me laugh through the pain. Over time I discovered that there were many incarnations to this little being - all with the same flavor of energy, of personality, but each with a specific purpose of its own. It wasn't until later that I connected this little being with the immensely powerful guardian I had previously experienced.

When I asked him his name, he gave me back the affronted, grumpy yet ever loving response of something along the lines of 'you and that naming thing...why must you go around naming things and locking them into place like you do?' I kept asking him - I told him I wanted to share him with the world, and that we humans work better when we have names for things. He finally grudgingly gave in, and settled on a verb: Vamos. (I pronounce it as Vah-Mos (mos as in most without the t) )

vamos

e \Va*mose"\, v. i. & t. [Sp. vamos let us go.] To depart quickly; to depart from. [Written also vamos, and vamoose.] [Slang, Eng. & U. S.]

Spanish for 'we go', slang for 'let's go', he conveyed to me that if I was going to insist upon corraling him into the boundaries of a concept, at least it should be a moving one.

And so, Vamos acts as his name describes him - he helps me to let go... he helps me to move easily and gracefully from one place (concept, emotion, etc.) to the next. He helps me to be flexible. And yet, he is so much more than that... *chuckles as she watches him puff up and preen visibly - all to make her laugh of course*

He's a friend. :) A very, very valuable one, helping me with one of my most major lifetime lessons, which I'll go on to describe after this entry.

For now, here's a fun drawing image I grabbed off the web and edited for fun to fit Vamos' likeness. Well, sometimes, anyway. ;)

The True Power of Face Reading

04-07-06 - 5:30am

I just had a powerful dream! The dream featured me, watching tv or something. I was watching profiles of two different people... and photos came up of them, and I proceeded to do an aura reading / body language / face and body type reading on them... and I keyed in and knew quite a lot! And then two books were shown, thick ones, and a voice that I started paying attention to said something along the lines of, "Her books endured in public libraries for years...and now, of course, they're on the national best seller's list having sold over 50,000 copies so far this year alone." They were talking about Rose Rosetree! :)

I woke up with a start, feeling strange, and replayed the dream. I suddenly realized that all this time I've been poo-poo'ing face reading because I thought of it as a mental memorization game, and that just didn't interest me in the slightest. But, upon replaying the dream, something I had said tonight at tarot class came back to me. (Yeah! Did I mention I got a job with Shenendoah University's Center for Lifelong Learning program? I'm teaching New Age 101, all official-like and everything! *beam*)

"Now, you can memorize the symbols of the cards if you like - some people do that and they do just fine. Computers and websites give great readings all the time, in fact - Isha Learner has a great website I've been visiting for years where you can have a free reading done by computer using her Inner Child Cards! As you can imagine, I'm all over that. ;)

However, I believe that the true power of a tarot reader is tapped when you include the human element of intuition. In addition to being keyed in to phrases that have been memorized, the symbols can act as windows to your intuition. The definitions of the symbols can be used as a jumping off point, a gateway to higher intuitive understandings and insights that then mingle with what you know on a mental level, and create a more full and rounded reading."

I believe and understand - now - how face and aura reading can be compared to the tarot and its symbols. The mental bridge, the doorway to higher intuition. I get it! :)

I'll be getting those books, now, please and thank you! ;) The Power of Face Reading, here I come!

The Universe Moves

There once was a little girl...age 9 to be exact. She had a tingly feelings in one of her legs, and she told her Mommy and Daddy about it. They took her to the Doctor's, who looked in her mouth and ears and said she was fine, that it was growing pains and eventually it would go away.

A year went by, and the tingles began to turn to numbness whenever she walked around a lot.

Another year went by. The numbness spread and happened more often, and would be very painful for the little girl when the leg came back to life. Mommy began putting aspirin in a secret corner of the little girl's peanut butter and jelly sandwiches so she would take them at school without the other kids thinking she was weird. She chewed one once, on accident. It was yucky.

A year passed. And another doctor, this one with X-rays - nothing wrong, must be growing pains. "Don't worry, she's just trying to get attention - she'll grow out of it."

And another year. No more tingles, now, just straight from numb to pins and needles. And another doctor. It must be in her head. "Can't you control your daughter, sir?"

Another year. What's this!? This can not be - the little girl has gained a voice? At the now not-so-little girl's request, she, Mommy, and Daddy visited another doctor who looked in her mouth and ears. This doctor said she was a little old for growing pains. She must be rebelling and trying to get attention. Yell at her and she'll be quiet. "Maybe then she won't cost you so much in pointless doctor's bills - ha ha ha."

The little girl is now old enough to take her own Advil in the school bathroom.

Seven doctors and six years from the beginning of this story, Daddy notices that the not-so-little girl (age 15, now) is barely using her left leg, because it has no muscle at all whereas the right leg is bulked up like an athlete's. The little girl had gotten so good at being quiet and not being rebelious that it wasn't even evident that she had been favoring her left leg for years.

There was no evidence of the years of pain and torment, of being expensive, of being unheard and unbelieved. Of being ignored and yelled at. No evidence at all, except in those muscles, so small and yet so important. No one saw the imprint all of this had left on her soul. "Your pain isn't real unless it's visible to Daddy's eyes and invisible to Daddy's wallet."

Daddy had just gotten a new job, so since going to the doctor's was free now, he took the not-so-little girl with the very small left leg muscles to see one. In fact, he just happened to take her to see the first doctor they ever saw, way back when she was still just a little girl.

This doctor one again looked in her mouth and ears. He took X-rays. Nothing, but a pitying no-this-can't-have-actually-happened expression in the doctor's eyes convinced Daddy to agree to an expensive MRI (an in-depth x-ray). The not-so-little-girl never forgot that look in the doctor's eyes - the look that evokes both love and rage in her memory to this day.

Emergency! Code Red! Wheelchair? Seven years, you must be kidding? Emergency surgery! How could anyone have been in this much pain and not done something about it? Drastic measures must be taken. Fly in the best surgeon in the world, stat!

The Universe moves.

The not-so-little-girl is spared life in a wheelchair by a hair's breadth of bone to spinal cord, 16 hours of surgery, and $37,000 worth of bills which are all miraculously paid for as if by magic.

Daddy was happy... Mommy was happy... The Not-So-Little-Girl was...lost. And now she has been found by The Woman.

The Woman holds the little girl and not-so-little-girl's legacy in her own body - in the seven inch train-track scar at the base of her spine. The Woman is Angry. The anger festers.

It mirrors into the years in an "Advil will hear you when they don't," addiction. In the pitying no-this-can't-have-actually-happened expression in a new doctor's eyes. In the pain without a voice, and anguish that is unbelieved and unheard.

Finally the body gives in and expresses visible signs of inner pain - and no one comes. This is a cry for help that won't be answered by Daddy or Mommy, because they're dead.

No one will save The Woman, now...there is no one to make hear... No one to make see. No one to make believe... No one to please... No one to not rebel against. No one to be inexpensive for. No one to hide from. No one to show to. No one. No one but... Herself.

She hears. She sees. She believes. She is pleased. She accepts. She adores. She reveals. She loves. She Is.

The Universe Moves.

Chiropractic Aura Reader?

04-06-06 - 10:00am

I had the most amazing experience yesterday! Long, convoluted story short, I went to a chiropractor in order to get a referral to a massage therapist in the same building (Metropolitan Chiropractic in Vienna, VA) so all of it could be covered by my insurance. Well, I had never been to a chiropractor. I had images of trolls making grasping motions at me saying, "Gonna crack yer bones!" ;) Not a pretty picture, but I just decided I would go in knowing I had the power to say no to anything I didn't want.

Well, to my utter surprise, the moment I got in there the guy (Anthony - very male, very Italian) sat me down and said something to the effect that I had the power there and he wasn't going to do anything without my say so. ... ... Cool! :)

And here's the best part! He did an aura reading on me! :P The LAST thing I expected to have happen, let me tell you. The trolls image dispersed like dust (Well, mostly...he did have big hands... ;) ) as he stared into my eyes without looking away. At first I laughed, because he didn't tell me what he was doing - it's awkward, to say the least, to have someone suddenly staring into your eyes without looking away. But, he pulled it off as well as anyone could, and gave me some key into what he was doing when he said he could feel my pain and was trying to get to the root of it.

Trust issues, especially with doctors, for starters. Surprised? ;) And a lot to do with holding on to my mom. (She died from what I am experiencing health-wise, now.) He gave me some homework assignments, mentioned he had a nutritionist he wanted me to see next time I came in (he gave me all kinds of foods and talked about warming and cooling foods - just like the book I bought on Chinese food energetics the other day!) and then shepherded me in to Kate Wassmer's office for the cranial sacral/body massage. I went in with evidence of having been crying and she commented that Anthony does that to people, really getting to the heart of the matter. ;)

I was able to enjoy both sessions for $25 through my insurance! (Aetna) I get to have a massage twice a month, now! Just like I had requested of the Universe. :) Annnnd, someone who will help me understand more about the Chinese food energetics and nutrition - another request to the universe fulfilled. Yippee! :) Talk about climbing aboard the synchronicity train! :)

And to think...I almost didn't go. They weren't sure how much it was going to cost without running my papers first... and I would have to drive 30 minutes just for that. And the looming troll images of a chiropractor scared me. I had also woken up that morning in a great deal of body-wide pain...

I think the only reason I didn't cancel was because I had done some EFT work on myself the night before, reassuring myself and my inner child that this was a special opportunity, just for me (it occured very synchronistically, almost like it had been set up like that by some outside orchestrator - I *never* would have thought to go to a chiropractor on my own, for instance...) and that I had all the power in the situation.

And so - I went. And it was good. :)

The Ego Facet

04-02-06 - 6:18pm

I got into an arguement earlier today. I was Mad, capital M intended. My rights had been infringed upon and I felt I was being taken advantage of, on top of a whole slew of other grievances. I was crying and blaming and finger pointing and foot stomping! I was also very confused as to why in the world I felt the way I did, because everything was actually fine. It was like having a sudden case of schizophrenia: I experienced myself as crying and angry and closed down, trying to protect myself, *and* I experienced myself as loving and accepting and open, entirely and fully aware that everything truly was just fine - at exactly the same time!

Talk about an eye opener. Luckily I was expanded enough at the time that I wasn't worried about looking stupid backpeddling all of a sudden. So, I just sort of trailed off and said, "I really don't want to feel this way. I can see that everything is *fine*, really perfectly lovingly fine...and yet I'm also really pissed off at exactly the same time! I'm sorry..."

My husband suddenly looked *so* different to me! It was as if I had taken off a pair of colored glasses or something - I really almost did do a double take! Who are you? And where did you put the evil guy?! He was very understanding and just smiled and hugged me and suggested some alone time... I hugged him back, and said, "Thank you..." and then got up and went to think about what had just happened.

The feeling between the 'I'm sorry...' and the 'Thank you...' seemed to really sum up the division in my experience. At first I was thinking, okay, this must be my ego and my higher self. One part is afraid, closed down, black and white, planning, strategizing to protect me from the evils of the world. The other part is open and joyous and loving and utterly accepting and knows that everything is indeed fine. One sees the little picture, and acts. The other sees the big picture, and watches.

Well then, I thought! I need to train myself out of this little picture! Gooood bye and good ridance, don't let the door hit you on the way out, you yucky feeling black and white scared ego little picture thoughts - the sooner I can get rid of you, the better! Stillness meditation and strenuous personality re-training, here I come! I'll find Happy and stay there, dammit!

Does this sound black and white to anyone? ;)

So, I sat down at the computer to look up some classes and retreats in the area - really serious about this meditation thing. (As a side note, I meditate daily, but stillness meditation continues to elude me - for now.) And I saw I had a new mail from a list I'm on - deifnitely synchronicity in action, I felt my tummy flip flop when I read these lines quoted from Bashar:

• Because the idea of thinking of yourself as a collection of parts will cause the different parts that you have created yourself to be to operate at different frequencies; which can more easily, by being a collection of parts, become discordant with each other, causing also the effect you call the allergic reaction. Does that make sense to you?
  
  Because you are not functioning harmoniously as a single whole idea. So the more you fragment yourself, the more some of the fragments can get out of step.
  

Oh. Well, that made me pause. :) I was thinking of doing the stillness meditation with the idea in mind of better telling the difference between the two halves of myself - of feeling what it's like to go into closed down, fear mode and put a stop to it once and for all. With the idea of rooting one out and getting rid of it. But...that doesn't really make sense, because I would be fragmenting who I am. The thing is, I am who I am, with different facets - not fragments from a whole but aspects of a whole. I get to choose what I would like to be experiencing most by shifting my attention and viewing the world through different facets - not by ridding myself of, by rejecting, the ones I don't enjoy experiencing. Even in the middle of the stuff I apparently wasn't enjoying experiencing on one level, that other facet of myself was as happy as ever.

This facet of me, this ego part, this fear part, is not something outside of myself, or something that needs to be gotten rid of or destroyed or phased out. It's just another part of me, another facet of the whole. It's just another tool that I have developed over time that I can choose to use, or not... I've been using it a lot lately. I've been using it so much that I'm only just now beginning to know what it's like to not use it.

So...from here... I think I will work a bit more with the stillness meditation idea...if only to become more familiar with what this other facet feels like, and begin to experience it more often because I want to - not because I want to try to destroy some facet of myself, but because I want to more fully enjoy experiencing another. :)

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