Feel Good! :)Virtual Reality Audio Meditation for June!

For your listening enjoyment and feeling goodness pleasure, I happily present June's Virtual Reality Feel Good Fun Meditation! *beam* You can listen by visiting the website, here:

http://www.loveisthere.com/feelgood/

And if you would like to contribue *your* favorite virtual reality idea for next the next Feel Good meditation, please e-mail me at dawn@loveisthere.com and I will include it! :)

Thanks, and en-joy! :)

New Prescription for Health - Rose Colored Glasses

06-27-

As transcribed from my audio recorder:

06-26-06 - 10:44PM

You know, I think there are emotional, mental and physical moods. States of being, that are almost like putting on clothes. You can move into them by tapping into certain memories or feelings or ideas. And you stay there for as long as you maintain that pattern of thought, or feeling. The vibe.

It's almost like familar patterns of thought that you're used to wearing that you can slip into by returning to them. And then the whole way you look at everything, it's like maybe putting on different pairs of colored glasses. Of being at a certain place, doing certain activities, thinking certain thoughts - it brings about more of the same.

I bet I could replicate it, by replicating the state of mind or mood I was in...

Like, I'm laying here, and I can shift focus, shift gears, shift states of emotoinal resonance. It's almost as if experiencing the world from a different person's point of view - everything looks totally different, but I haven't changed anything or gone anywhere.

I think this is something I've done very naturally - I think everyone does...without realizing it. It's the realization of it that's making it more jolting. And that realization is coming to me because I'm practicing being present more often. And I'm wondering, what exactly does it mean to be present? And where am I when I'm not present? Where are my thoughts, my feelings? Where am I going?

And so I would shift into presence, being there, and then I would shift out again. And when I would shift out, it would be like I would shift gears, like it bumped me to a different track - becoming present, and then falling out of presence again. And then my mood and state of being took the path of least resistance - depending on the overall feel of the group around me (I have accepted the understanding I am empathic as fact), or the circumstances going on, or whatever.

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06-26-06 - 10:50PM

I know I can jump tracks on purpose by evoking memories, or focusing on aspects of the Now - in relation to how I feel. Focusong on memory seems to be a big trigger for it. Thing is, you can't be on a track without past, present and future...without motion in time. So, you've necessarily had to not be Present in order to have a mood in the first place.

Maybe that's why you move in and out of it, shifting tracks. Becoming present is like hitting the reset button, and when the mind takes over again, gets back into its temporal space, it needs to put its glasses back on - or a pair of glasses anyway, who knows which one it's going to choose, it all depends on where your thoughts and emotoins are, and what you're susceptible to at that time.

It appears that you can manually shift gears by evoking aspects and memories, by consciously shifting your focus. Like, by focusing on the rain outside, and rifling through all the memories I have of having experienced rain...I can tap in to whatever one I want. And then the whole world changes. I consciously choose, from a place of being Present in the Now, to go onto a particular track, to put on the new pair glasses, or a new filter for my mind, body and emotions... and then I lose awareness of it and just become it.

Like, you ever notice when you put on a pair of colored glasses - like, rose colored, or those yellow blue blocker ones? No matter how weird the color, if you keep them on for a while, you eventually lose track of the fact that you're wearing them. Your eyes and mind adapt to the color, and the next time you really notice you were wearing them in the first place is when you take them off - or, to maintain the analogy, when you become Present.

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06-28-06 - 6:50AM

I am of the belief that it's our emotional states held in a habitual pattern that eventually they bring about the physical manifestation of illness. Like a mirror of energetic patterns that we've held on to. So, if there's such a thing as a medical intuitive, perhaps there's such thing as an emotional intuitive, as far as divining an energetic state of pattern that led to the original dis-ease.

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06-27-06 - 7:07AM

Maybe these states of being that can be placed like glasses upon your body...states of being could be used as a way of getting better. Shifting out of the pair of glasses that led to the dis-ease in the first place. Maybe there's a habitual emotional, mental coat that leads to a dis-ease - I mean, I know there is one. But maybe, knowing what it is, and then developing a new set of glasses - like correctional vision glasses - would be a way to go about healing.

It would be habitual patterns of thought, that would lead to habitual patterns of emotion, that would lead to habitual patterns of energy in the body... it's the thought that comes first. And emotion, then physical experience. So your physical body is a representation of your physical thoughts, after they['ve had a chance to filter down as far as they can.

*Warning - Graphic and Highly Emotional* Opportunities for Healing Courtesy of Ms. Kitty

06-24-06 - 2:45pm

I have begun doing intuitive readings! Go me! :) I'm enjoying doing this style of reading very much, and am finding it very rewarding - but it also takes a high degree of Presence... One that I haven't been able to reach since Ms. Kitty was attacked on Tuesday (see previous post).

Ms. Kitty has come home now, and she's doing much better. She's begun to use her back legs a bit, and we have her in a perfect little area downstairs where she can stretch out and recover in style. It's our job to change her bedding when she does her business, to give her her medication every 8 hours, and to pet her - often. Oh, and to play host for her many adoring fans in the neighborhood who love to visit. :)

Well... to get back to what I was saying... Intuitive readings. Love them. Require a high degree of Presence to be performed. (I define Presence as centered, grounded connectedness, by the way. A state of peaceful allowing and non-resistance.) Well...I finally got enough sleep due to Keith getting up in the middle of the night to give Ms. Kitty her medication. (Thank you! *beam*) And I decided to perform the readings I am now quite backed up on.

I went into my usual ritual for entering into a Present space and *wham!*, in came a ton of emotions that I hadn't even realized I had been holding in check. I went from borderline peaceful to a total wreck in less than 60 seconds. Thank goodness everyone scheduled to receive a reading has been so patient. :)

I had buried some trauma around my mother's death that Ms. Kitty's emergency and progressing rehabilitation process is triggering, big time... Keith was an absolute angel, holding me as I cried and told him about what happened. It was he that suggested I write this entry, as a cathartic help-others-while-helping-myself experience - he knows how much I love doing that. ;)

I have done a lot of grieving for my mom... a lot of releasing. In that time, I came to the realization that it was, in reality, myself that I was mourning. Mourning for me that died with my mom... Mourning for myself, no longer having her company and guidance... for no longer having a family (my dad died less than a year earlier), or a place I could call home. No longer having someone who cared about me more than I cared about myself...

One area I didn't visit too much during the grieving process, however, was the trauma I went through during the two days I had with my mother while she was in the hospital. The feeling of total powerlessness... An inability to communicate or understand what she needed (she was on a breathing machine), the loss of dignity I created by being present and bore witness to as she was forced to, as the veternarian's referred to it, express her bladder, right there in her own bed. I'll never forget the 'shamed, I'm so sorry you have to experience this' look on her face...

All of these things are being brough to the surface with this experience with Ms. Kitty... Feeling so powerless, unable to do a thing but wait to hear back from the emergency clinic. Bearing witness once she came home as she mewed, trying to get out of her own way before she expressed her bladder...and my having no idea what it was she was trying to communicate. I at least have some power to ease her pain - I can give her medication that will help her get better - but I am unable to communicate this to her! All she knows is that it tastes awful and that I'm inflicting yet another yucky thing upon her - this is very distressing for me.

This time is different, however...this time, the one I love is getting better. This time, I don't have to go through it alone... Keith is here, and everyone in the neighborhood who loves Ms. Kitty, too. Through my parent's passing, I've learned how to take strength from their friendship in times like this...

This time I am not alone, and I never will be, again, because I've learned how to open my heart and let others in, even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts.

I Walked into Hell, and Now I'm Toasting Marshmallows :)

06-23-06 - 12:30pm

This is gleaned yet again from a post I made to the Abraham-Hicks Yahoogroup - I love the questions people pose there, they generate such fun stuff to talk about. :)

The question that generated the following post was written by a person who wrote about how they had just recently discovered, despite not believing it most of their life, that they have a victim vibe going on in the way they see the world. Shortly after discovering this, they were in a small class, and they giggled at something at an inappropriate moment - whereupon the instructor called them on it and had an out of proportion reaction. The person didn't respond at the time, but afterward felt a great deal of rage coming up around the experience, which they did their best to squelch by moving up the emotional scale, as depicted in Abraham-Hicks book, Ask and it is Given.

Without furter adeui (ado? Adoo? Hm...!) here is my response to them. :)

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'ello! :)

I was a victim/anger stuffer for a while, so I have a lot of personal views on this particular subject. The following is definitely a take what resonates and leave the rest deal. :) So, disclaimer out of the way, on with the my thoughts! :)

Don't stuff your anger - I did that, and I ended up with gall stones and rheumatoid arthritis. ;) Anger is energy being released - consider it toxic energy that doesn't belong in your body anymore. Now that you have identified the cause, you have graduated to a level where you are being given opportunities to let it out and and claim your strength and truth by giving it a voice. Don't stop it, instead celebrate it and stay there for a while before trying to move on. I think you're right when you say that you feel that you're covering up something lurking in the basement, by attempting to immediately move out of it without expressing it.

To elaborate - you have just recently discovered that you have victim energy, after all. And then your life offered you a triggering situation: Someone wrongly accuses you of doing something (victimizes you) - and you feel rage. Well, yeah! That's awesome! Rage is way up the emotional scale from despair! You were given a chance to feel that rage in a relatively safe environment (your car, and revolving around a stranger you don't personally care about) - that's your Inner Being giving you the a-okay to go nuts and let it out! You 'earned' it by becoming aware! And don't be surprised at the vehemence of your feelings - that's the rage of YEARS worth of victim energy behind that expression. Get that stuff out of you - recall the scene in meditation and bring up that anger again - I'm sure your IB will have your back on making it very real for you - and punch pillows and yell! And Trust yourself that you'll naturally move out of it when you're ready.

You're right that you *do* want to move up the emotional scale - eventually. But my belief is that you can't just breeze by everything that doesn't feel good without working through it first. I believe that life isn't only about staying as high up the emotional scale as you can get for as long as you can. I feel that it's also about discovering ourselves and coming to understand who we really are by experiencing ourselves - and *through* that, moving in to the upper ranges of the emotional scale, permanently, as we allow stuff that no longer serves us to drop away in its due time. Not by covering up the boogeyman in the closet by moving up the emotional scale as fast as we can, by moving ourselves right out of our opportunities to get to know him better.

Now I'm sure there are Abers out there who would disagree with me, bringing up the Abraham concept that you make a vibration go away by not activating it for long enough that it becomes so tiny as to be insignificant. For me...I consciously choose not to go that route, and it has worked very well for me thus far. By facing the boogeyman, you get to realize he was just a paper dragon in the first place. You get to smile at him, and hug him, and turn him into a good vibration by realizing he *was* a good vibration all along, just misunderstood. I don't want any boogeymen in my closet - tiny and insignificant or otherwise.

I have walked into the 'hell' of the sexual, emotional and physical abuse that I have experienced...and I am now toasting marshmallows. :) Bring on the awakening to my fears - I'm eager, ready and willing to let go of you all. :)

*hugs!*
- Dawn

Visualizing Yourself

06-22-06 - 11:45pm

Someone on the Abraham-Hicks Yahoogroup wrote:

"I try to visualize myself when I close my eyes, placing myself in an imagined situation, however I find it so very difficult to imagine me. I find it challenging to 'see' myself. It's amazing and curious considering I have looked at myself almost everyday of my life. Does anyone have any thoughts or comments regarding this..maybe even an Abe quote?"

This was my reply :)

'ello! :)

I don't have an Abe quote for you, but I do have my thoughts! :)

When I first started visualizing, I had trouble with this as well - until I gave up on trying to get it right. :) One day I realized that I, Dawn, am more of a concept of a person than a literal collection of features, anyway. Red hair, blue eyes, freckles, etc. make up the physical incarnation of Dawnness, yeah...but does that really matter all that much? If I lost my freckles would I still be me? I decided that yes, I would be, and that the Me of me goes waaaay beyond this current physical form. So I stopped worrying about it. :)

Now when I visualize, and I purposefully envision myself, sometimes I see myself as a man, or a little girl, or an animal... I actually only rarely find myself visualizing myself as the me I know to be the literal, physical representation of me, here and now. Upon exploring this, I realized that the incarnation of myself that appears is always perfect, and that as long as I identify with them as 'Me', it's all good for all visualizing intents and purposes. :)

It's actually fun and very insightful to later explore what the incarnation of me *does* happen to look like in a given visualization. There's often hidden nuggets of wisdom to be found that my visualization was offering me, in symbol form - just like in a dream. Animal wisdom, inner child work - the way I appear to myself in a visualization has led me upon many a merry jaunt into fun exploration land. Oooooo, what does it mean when I see myself as a deer, during this particular visualization!? Or as the child I was when I was 3!? A lot of opportunities for inner healing have come about for me, in just this way. :)

I think, in some ways, letting go and having fun with this has allowed me to loosen my grip on the 3D reality I've known most of my life, and to expand into other dimensions of thought and possibility. To be more than I have come to know myself as. In your visualizations, you can experience yourself as a feather floating on the surface of a lake...or a heron, gliding over it. Or as a color, or a thread of music. You literally can filter your consciousness through any receptical you can conceive of - and some you can't. It's in letting go that Source can step in and show you some things you may have never come to, through logical progression, on your own. That's where the fun *really* begins - and the possibilities are endless! :)

*hugs!*
- Dawn

Letting Go of All the Illusions

Photo courtesy of my husband, Keith!
06-22-06 - 11:00am

What's Up on Planet Earth is an amazing website and Global Energy update service provided by a woman named Karen who is very gifted at describing the latest energetic trends with her finger on the pulse of humanity. She describes everything in a very 'real' way, for lack of a better way of putting it, and really brings it home in a practical, down to earth manner.

This is an excerpt from her most recent update - June 20, 2006:

We are over the hump now. No more waiting and resistance. We can let go of all the illusions that kept us tied into a reality that said we had to produce in order to receive. If you are not yet comfortable with this, please stay at your paying job until you are, and phase in more slowly. Whatever is right for you, until you are ready to trust and embrace a higher way. There is no right or wrong…only a way that makes each of us feel the best that we can in any given situation.

The creation of the New Planet Earth is the main theme and purpose right now. As well as the final departure of all the old and denser controlling factors.

This one hit me like a ton of bricks! *blinkblink* Produce in order to receive. You mean, we don't? Huh? I wasn't even aware that I had that belief, but I do! I had to search for at least a minute to find an example where production isn't required in order to receive. o.O

I had to turn to nature, of course. Grass doesn't produce in order to receive...it just is. Animals, plants...rocks. They just are, and they receive their abundance simply because they are. Simply by Being.

This was a big thought for me. :) And, in the gap of silence left following the big thought, a voice entered and proclaimed with total authority:

"That you have to produce in order to receive is NOT a law of the Universe. It is a law of Man."

This felt so utterly true for me. Here is another snippet of the update from Karen this week:

There is a lot of serene, floating, and being energy in the higher realms, with no right or wrong, and we are not used to it. Where we place our intention and what we believe, literally creates a little world and reality of our own. Almost like a science fiction movie. When enough individuals place their intentions in the same place, and have similar beliefs, then they begin to congregate and create their own little worlds and realities together. It is up to you, in regard to where you choose to reside and which “dream” you will buy into and consequently live in. You can go anywhere, here in the higher realms. It's all in your mind and comes from within.

I loved this idea, and it resonates perfectly with everything I have come to hold as true about reality, at this time. The reason I bring it up here is because I have been wrapping my mind around just this concept, lately.

We are spirits currently residing in bubbles of biology, creating bubbles of reality - almost like our own personal habitat that supports our life (the food we eat, the water we drink, etc.) exactly the way we require it in order to maintain our belief system as it is at any given time. This habitat, however, unlike it's ecological counterpart, has the ability to shift very quickly.

The beliefs shift, and *then* the circumstances (habitat) shifts. Some of that shift comes just from how we now perceive what's around us, through our new belief glasses, but I believe that because of the way we're relating to what's around us through our new beliefs, the rest of the habitat shift occurs - new circumstances and new people are attracted into our own habitats - because of the requirements of their habitats!

So, to rephrase with the newest concept, we are spirits currently residing in bubbles of biology, creating magnetic bubbles of reality that are self-sustaining, in whatever way our current beliefs *and* our current focus requires.

Fun ideas to play with. :)

Please hold good thoughts for Marley!

My husband and I took in Ms. Kitty (called Marley by her previous owners, so we just decided Ms. Marley Kitty would do - Ms. Kitty for short) last November. She was a neighborhood stray - her previous owner didn't care for her company too much and so left her to wander the neighborhood, sometimes for weeks at a time.

She is such an amazing cat...the entire neighborhood fell in love with her. I am reproducing this here as it was posted to the front of our house, this afternoon. Every little feel good thought counts. :)
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Please hold good thoughts for Marley!

Ms. Kitty, AKA Marley, was attacked by a neighborhood dog early this morning (06/20). We took her to the emergency animal clinic in Vienna, and she is receiving the best of care. Doctors have told us that there are no broken bones, but she was bitten on the back and shaken, and there is spinal damage. She currently does not have use of her back legs, and the prognosis isn't looking too good...

They're holding her for observation tonight – the hope is that the pressure on the spinal cord from swelling is what is causing her legs not to respond. They will call us tomorrow morning with an update. The dog's owner has graciously offered to cover all expenses for Ms. Kitty's recovery.

Marley, or Ms. Kitty as we call her, is the neighborhood kitty. Several people have already come by who heard about her experience and wanted to find out if she is all right. We wanted to make sure everyone remained informed, so we decided to post this update.

One thing we know for sure – she is a much loved kitty. With that much love going on, anything is possible. Please don't worry about her, though... Just make a specific point to think about her and enjoy your memories of her, and make a heartfelt wish to experience more of the same. We will continue to post updates here as we receive them.

Celestial Perception - We all have the capacity to remember

06-16-06 - 11:00am

I woke up with an interesting theory yesterday morning, that's been rolling around in my head ever since. I even wrote Rose Rosetree about it, but she's out of town teaching so I don't expect I'll hear from her any time soon. I'll make an addendum to this post with her reply, when she makes one, however! :)

The theory is this: Every single person has the capacity for developing some form of extra sensory perception, be it empathy, clairvoyance or any of the clairs. Another way of defining extra sensory perception (ESP) would be, Extra Sensory Communication - that's the key.

See, I read Journey of Souls by Michael Newton, a book studying the case histories of Life Between Lives patients. Michael Newton did hypnosis for a living, back in the day. And then he graduated to doing past life regression... and then he discovered, quite inadvertently, the fact that all of us lead a life between lives. He was regressing someone back to a past life and they stalled in the in-between stage, which he then explored during the session, and subsequently learned how to bring others there, on purpose.

In the book, he goes on to describe what it's like during this in-between time... What we do during this time... (For those interested, we learn from our past life, cross-indexing with other past lives for primary lessons. We learn along with others of our soul family primary lessons for souls at our current level. We plan our next lives, and many other things.) When I read all of this, it felt like coming home, it really did. So very familiar, I cried at several points during the book. Homesick, perhaps. ;)

What he also described in the book is how we communicate while on the other side. We use empathy! We read auras! We use clairvoyance and clairaudience and all of the clairs! This Is How We Communicate! :) It's as natural for us as breathing, once we drop away from physical life and pop back into non-physical. Communicating in this fashion is an all but unconscious skill - like breathing is, for us.

And so, it is my theory that we all have the capacity to remember these inherant skills. We most certainly apparently have the ability to embody them - I mean, I have empathic, psychic, ESP-like skills and I'm learning new ones all the time. And I am a long time skeptic of such things! You can bet I did all kinds of personal, rigorous testing on what I was experiencing before I claimed it as FACT for myself. :)

It is possible. It does happen - we do it all the time, we just don't realize we're doing it. And once we do realize it? We can begin to focus on it, hone it... Remember it. :)

Now, I'm willing to bet that we're all capable of Celestial Perception while here in the physical in one way or another. Perhaps there was once a time when the whole world was so asleep that no one could experience the heart of another no matter how hard they tried. Maybe. But, if there was such a time, I believe that time has passed - the world is waking up. :) The time is Now.

For instance, if you're artistically inclined, love color and shape and form - go for Clairvoyance (extra-sensory sight). Have an ear for music and love the feel of the tones? Go for Clairaudience (extra-sensory sound). Love to research and find out stuff, all by yourself? Do you just seem to know things sometimes, without knowing how you know? That would be Clairsentience (extra-sensory knowing). Identify deeply with emotion? Or perhaps others have described you as 'overly emotional'? Empathy would be your balliwick (I always wanted to use that word ;) ) (Empathy is the abilty to perceive other's emotions - sometimes whether you want to or not) I'm willing to bet everyone has a proclivity for at least one area of extra sensory perception. :)

My theory? You want it - Remember it. Your soul will guide the way through what lights you up and excites you. :)

Fairfax County Fair - Empathy Overload!

06-11-06 - 5:50pm

I had an experience this weekend that majorly highlighted just how supremely useful and effective (and downright necessary, sometimes?) the various techniques I've learned for turning down empathy, grounding and centering, and raising shields can be!

I've been working with Eckhart Tolle's book The Power of Now just recently, and have been spending the last week or so - along with acclimatizing to the most recent Unwinding - working on maintaining presence and awareness of the Inner Being. I.e. I've ramped up my sensitivities in a big way, and spent much of the week in quiet, contemplative, meditative solitude.

And then we went to the fair! ;) And I totally didn't think about shielding or turning empathy down or *anything* beforehand. In fact, I was happily continuing to focus a lot of my attention on moving in the world while still maintaing my sense of Inner Being. So, I was caught unawares as I suddenly found myself amid a throng of people, with bright lights and barkers and music from all directions...and feeling a little tired. I was all right until I began to get tired. Here's an image Keith took that sums up well my sudden realization of discomfort. ;)

Notice the furrowed brow? ;) So, there I am in the middle of a suddenly WAY too loud, WAY too bright crowd...and I lose it. I had gotten hungry, and tired, and my natural 'defenses' suddenly weren't enough. I became confused, and after a brief walk in the direction of food, finding a quiet place to re-center suddenly became top priority.

Keith, wonderful man that he is, understands I get over-sensitized sometimes, and that I know how to work with it if it happens, if I can find a quiet spot. So, where to find a quiet spot in the middle of a fair...? Yep! Off to the bathroom we rushed - the ones inside. And, of course there was a line. ;) Eventually I got to a stall of my own, and, also of course, it sounded almost like a racetrack in there - doors banging, children crying, toilets flushing, air-dryers blasting. But, at least there's four walls around me and I know no one is going to bother me for at least a few minutes. :P

For those of you who may some day face a similar situation, I'll describe the process I went through. :) You would actually be surprised how often this happens! It may have happened to you, without your realizing what was going on - whether you think of yourself as an empath, or not! Feel suddenly like everything is too bright, too loud - like you can't take in another nanobit of information and everything feels like nails on a chalkboard? That's it! And we wonder why babies get cranky. ;)

So, there I am, sitting, 'alone'. First thing I do is say a short prayer and request the presence of God and Archangel Michael (you can request the presence of whoever you like, from archangels, to ascended masters, to... whoever!) to work with me for the greatest and highest good of everyone.

I then take a deeeep breath and bring my attention to my feet. Very solid on the ground, very much in my shoes. Wriggle my toes. Physical. Solid. Grounded. I take a deeeeep breath and imagine myself as a tree, roots growing from the bottoms of my feet. Deeeeeeeep roots. I breath in through those roots, and back out through them again, several times. I see the roots as red, surrounded by gold. (Why those colors, I don't know - use whatever colors you like, those suit me and I'm sure I could come up with a whole litany of reasons why they make sense, but when it comes down to it I just did it naturally - so do what comes naturally, for you! :) )

I wriggle my toes some more, feeling very solid in my shoes. Feel my whole body now, my clothes, the temperature of the air in the bathroom, my hair, my face. Solid, here, now, grounded, physical. I take another deep breath and feel and see branches - basically coming out of the top of my head. Gold and white branches (see color explantation above ;) ), reaching up to the sky and connecting me, holding me fast in the Now world as a bridge between Earth and Spirit. I breath into the branches as well, in and out, and feel myself coming back into a more normal realm of awareness. Grounded and Connected, simultaneously.

I then do a quick tap in to my emotional state, and find that I feel a bit calmer, but still overloaded. I envision a dial in front of me, one of those black ones, kind of like on a combination lock. It is numbered 1-10 and has a label beneath it: EMPATHY. I see it's at an 8, so in my mind I reach out with my hand and slooooowly (when you do it slowly you can feel the change happening) turn it down to 2. (I never turn it all the way off. I found the world goes so 2-dimensional that I can't interact and feel like I'm dreaming or watching tv-life, when I do that)

I take a deep breath. Grounded and Connected. Empathy waaaay down, I can't really feel anything from the people all around me, anymore. But I still feel vulnerable, so I envision a bubble of white light going up around me, white on the inside, with a little bit of pink, and a slightly translucent mirror on the outside facing everyone else. I do this because I want to feel safe, comfortable, and for the most part not noticed by people around me. They look at me and, unless I am directly communicating with them, see themselves - i.e. their mind and senses just drone on and I don't blip their radar at all.

I took another deep breath, and I was all set! I got up, walked out, rejoined Keith, and we spent the rest of the day at the fair taking pictures, eating junk food, watching concerts and all that. :) I was just fine, though my memories post-bathroom-visit aren't anywhere near as immersed or rich as those prior - which makes sense, when you think about it.

I even got to take part in an arts and crafts fun project! A prison in Fairfax has been bought out and is being remodeled as an artist's sanctuary of sorts. They were taking donations for the remodeling, and for your donation you got to make a mosaic on a glass tile that they'll be putting up on the wall there before the grand opening! Cool, huh? :)

When I got home I smudged with a smudge stick (Rose Rosetree doesn't recommend them - it invites in faeries and nature spirits and the like...but for me, I'm so close to nature spirits anyway...it feels kinda like home, so I choose to use a white sage smudge stick to cleanse my energy field, when the job needs doing :) ) and meditated, going through my grounding and centering routine, and turning my empathy back to somehwere around 7 or 8.

Afterward was interesting...After smudging and meditating and getting up again...it felt almost like a new day. I mean, I was tired, really tired. But it felt like the Fair experience had happened the day before, or maybe even two days before...not just an hour or less before. A side effect of turning down input? Maybe I fell asleep while meditating? ;) I dunno! :)

Reporting In - Post Myofascial Session Awakening Journey

06-07-06 - 10:30am

Uuuuugh. :P *breathes* Well, this is uncomfortable, to say the least. The night after the myofascial session I woke up into panic attack after panic attack, every hour almost, it seemed. It was interesting, because they were half dreams...and I would wake up finding myself desperately using all the techniques I've learned recently to meditate! o.O

To mediate, I've recently been using the imagery of a white stone falling into an all but black image of water. Ripples form as the rock disappears beneath the surface of the water, out of view. The ripples are just barely highlighted by light from somewhere high above, and as they fade, all is darkness, and my mind is totally quiet - for about 1.3 nanoseconds so far, but I'm improving! ;)

And...it would work! I would move out of the panic attack and into a space of peacefulness just in time to fall asleep again. I apparently got pretty good at it by the end of the night, tapping into that peace feeling of my True Self - but only at a half conscious level, it seems. Repeating the experience while awake isn't something I've been able to do, yet.

That night's dreams were full and big, but I can't remember them. I remember someone teaching me something...a male presence surrounded by darkness...but, it's just a bare flash and I can't remember anything else, especially when I try.

Last night's dreams were more frenetic. They felt, again, like I was accomplishing something...but I couldn't say what, because I'm not remembering them either. I woke up into a panic only once, and used deep breathing to calm myself down when I did. I slept for over 11 hours.

Right now I have a baseline sense of anxiety, an intermittent sick feeling of tightness *and* looseness, above my tummy and below my heart. The Solar Plexus area, the I Am chakra... I'm not sure if I want to cry or throw up - maybe both at the same time. :P Or neither...

I feel led to write about this, and share it, because it feels like others may go through this too, some day...and that they may benefit from knowing that someone else was there, too...and what they did. It feels kind of like I'm going through a releasing process, and awakening process...leaving more and more of the Me I thought was me behind.

Guess that's why my solar plexus is feeling a bit sore, huh? Actually, now that I think about it...hm... A few weeks ago, actually...maybe a month or two ago, I went through a rough Root chakra time, where fears were being activated and released left and right, in dreams and in waking life...

The sacral came next, yep, just a few weeks ago! Lots of sexual stuff and creative stuff activated and released... And now, the solar plexus. And then, I guess, it will be the heart, next!

Now that I think about that pattern, I can see it repeating itself over the last couple years! How interesting! I would go through survival stuff (stuff about physical dis-ease, losing my home, etc. would come up), then creative stuff (money issues and fear, sexuality and releasing abuse from the past, etc. would come up), then I Am stuff (power issues, stuff about who I am in relation to the world, and who I want to be, etc.), then love and connection stuff (stuff about love would come up, lots of release of past relationship trauma, with past boyfriends, my parents, etc. as well as times when my trust was betrayed, would come up), then communication stuff (Now that I think back on it, this would always be a time when I was supremely focused on moving and making a mark, in the world - communicating through classes, my website would be overhauled, etc.) then opening to my gifts stuff (There have been times of major awakening for me... periods of time, really, where I would release fears and step out into the unknown and realize how talented I was, when I didn't let fear get in the way), then a summation of all, bringing it together, taking stock and seeing where I am stuff... (a lot would come up around death and life, during these times, and what it all means, and why am I here in the grand scheme of things) and then starting over.

How extremely interesting! I never realized! :) It seems to...hm, yeah... I'm not positive, but, it seems like the time the pattern is taking to complete itself is shortening. I wonder what that means. o.O And, I wonder if being aware of the pattern is a help, or a hinderance, since I seem to be going through it naturally all by myself without having recognized it up to now...

I guess it's probably best to be generally aware that heart stuff will be coming up in the nearish future, to focus on I Am stuff and my sense of identity right now...and then let it go. I dunno, I just don't want to put my own narrow definition on it and constrict it. Could possibly make it less natural and less efficient. Hm... maybe this is all part of it, too...

Make that probably. ;)

Walking the Labyrinth

06-05-06 - 11:15pm

I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to walk a Labyrinth, today! A Labyrinth is a path which winds in upon itself, with only one entrance that also serves as the exit. You make your way slowly to the center, allowing your mind to quiet. Once you reach the center you remain there, peaceful and quiet, until you feel complete - and then you make your way out again.

You can go in with a question in mind, or just with the purpose of regaining a sense of centered connectedness. I went in with a question in mind. My question was, "How do I best release all of this pain I've discovered?"

My mind went all over the place as I walked the labyrinth, but it was a pretty long path, and by the time I got to the center, I was centered as well, and the answers came to me.

"You must go into your pain, honor it by feeling it fully and completely. Understand it, forgive it, and then love it. When you have completed these things, you will once more be one with the pain. You will have accepted it back into yourself, from whence it first came, and you will be a whole person once more."

A lot to think about...I'm exploring this, now. On the table, during the therapy session this morning, there was a point where I was in a WHOLE lot of pain. Sally had asked me to come back into my body fully, to be fully present with all of it - and suddenly my world had become a tapestry of pain. Pain everywhere, from head to toe - had it been there before and I just hadn't realized it? Am I always this disassociated from my body and what it's feeling?

At the point the pain was at its greatest, she told me I could move into whatever position my body craved, but that I was to stick with the pain - and I, of course, moved into a fetal position. And that was when I began to cry... But I felt it...I really did. Perhaps for the first time, I was wholly present to the pain. I felt it all... It was hard. It was red hot painful hard... But, after feeling it and crying for a while, it began to ebb on its own...and I felt that, too.

Whatever I have to do to let this all go...I'm ready.

~

Remember The Tinman Lyrics (Tracy Chapman)

Who hurt your heart
Bruised it in a place
That no one and nothing can heal
You've gone to wizards, princes and magic men
You've gone to witches, the good the bad the indifferent

But still all sentiment is gone
But still you have no trust in no one

If you can tear down the walls
Throw your armor away remove all roadblocks barricades
If you can forget there are bandits and dragons to slay
And don't forget that you defend an empty space

And remember the tinman
Found he had what he thought he lacked
Remember the tinman
Go find your heart and take it back

Myofascial Memory Jog - did i really do that to myself?

06-05-06 - 8:45pm

What I am doing is called an Unwinding, and it has been developed by a woman named Sally, who began her practice working with myofascial pain release therapy, pain trigger points in specific.

The idea, as I mentioned briefly in my previous post, is that the body stores memory in the fascia, that runs throughout the body...

n. pl. fas·ci·ae (fsh-, fsh-)
1. Anatomy. A sheet or band of fibrous connective tissue enveloping, separating, or binding together muscles, organs, and other soft structures of the body.

Thus you can actually re-discover memory that you've locked away from yourself (likely because you didn't want to deal with it because it's too painful) in the fascia. It can be unlocked and released from the body-memory by working with a Myofascial pain release therapist person...

Sally developed Unwinding in co-creation with a group of divine beings. It is a primarily hands-off, energetic manipulation and co-healing between you, her, and the divine beings.

I have had two sessions now, and let me tell you - wow... Apparently what I am most in need of is an emotional unwinding... There's a whole lot of grief and anger that's stored in my body, it seems...

The previous post about the story that needed to be told is a memory that came to me after the first session, and how it played into why my body held on to so much - why I felt that feeling and especially expressing grief was so dangerous. Definite breakthrough for me.

It helped me to understand just how much I need to let this stuff out - how dysfunctional and out of balance I had become because my body was doing its best to protect me. I cried so much at this morning's session almost hyperventilated! Go me! *wane smile* I probably would have fallen over if I wasn't already lying down...never cried like that before...

And, I had another memory.

When my elbows first froze up, it was when I started work at this law office... A lot was going on around that time - I finished school, and my parents had just told me that I couldn't come home because they had turned my room into a storage room, and there just wasn't room for me. My boyfriend at the time and I had just had a very hard breakup, and I had suddenly realized that I had graduated college and still had no idea what I wanted to do when I grew up - whatever that meant.

I got an admin-assistant/proofreading job at a law office, making more money than my dad was making, health insurance and everything, and just in time to move into a new apartment of my own. It was far away, and I had to start so early that the buses didn't run, so I had to walk...

Now this is the part I totally forgot. I know that my elbows froze around the time I worked there, and that it had to do with my being angry at having a soul-sucking job, but it wasn't until tonight that I remembered that the whole time, every morning I walked, I kept up a mantra to myself, "This is life. You're making more than your dad makes. You have a good job, insurance, an apartment of your own. So what if it's boring? This is the way things are and they'll be this way for ever after because this is just what Real Life is really like. So get used to it. This is what being an adult is all about. This is what Big Girls do. You should be happy to have this."

My elbows began to burn as I walked there every day, and over the span of the year and a half I had the job. I began to wear a jacket to work every day, just so I had somewhere to put my hands so I could rest the weight. My elbows ached and swelled and eventually became stuck in place.

Every time I said the mantra to myself, I could feel a little part of me shrinking away, hiding - from myself. Almost as if it would have lifted its hands and hidden its face from me, if it could have... Life was basically a mini version of hell...one I created for myself...

Anyway! I now understand a whole lot more about what happened, and how I created it - and how I can uncreate it now, and let it go... I had totally forgotten that I had done it to myself from the very beginning.

Some Stories Just Need to be Told...

06-04-06 - 10:52AM

I wasn't sure I was going to tell these stories...which are two stories on the same theme, and set around the same time, actually... I have recently been feeling into what it's like to release my personal story, and the sense of freedom that can bring. My husband Keith helped to convince me...that perhaps one day my story might help others. Finally, I came to the realization that some stories just need to be told...

My body remembers, it remembers and protects me and keeps me safe as far as it's concerned, through what it learned playing out these stories... It is almost ready to let them go...but not just yet. Maybe the telling of these tales will help.

Maybe the telling of these tales will help me understand why I have, so far, been unable to release all the sadness and grief and anger inside me, over my mother's death. Maybe it will help me to understand why it has turned in on itself... And why my body has sought to protect me by holding much of it safe, buried deep inside my joints and organs.

I knew that these events had been extremely traumatic, highlighted in my memory like beacons...but I hadn't made the connection that they had served as training for my body and I - training on how to hold one's grief and sadness in check. I hadn't made that connection until last Friday, June 2nd, when I was driving home from a myofascial pain release therapy session.

The premise is that the body has its own consciousness, and its own memory. During the session it felt as if my body were trying to tell me that it was ashamed...that it had failed somehow... It was thinking upon that during the drive home from the session that triggered the memories, and an understanding of the tales below, in a totally new light.

Two Tales of Emotional Suppression Training

Tale 1: Into the Lion's Den

There once was a little girl who was terribly afraid to leave her mother. Her whole life had been spent by her mother's side, and many things had already happened to her to make her believe that that's exactly where she should stay. Around 3, going on 4, she was...and when mommy told her that she and daddy wanted a night alone for a special occasion, it took an awful lot of big words to convince her that going to Grandma and Grandpa's was what a Big Girl would do.

But, as these things happen, the little girl, who aspired to be a Big Girl one day, agreed to do the strong thing and stay with Grandma and Grandpa for one night.

And so, it came to pass... The little girl had a lot of fun at Grandma and Grandpa's. She didn't even cry when mommy and daddy left - she actually barely noticed them leaving, what with the candy and new Atari game system that Grandpa had gotten just for her to play while she was there. Dinner came before the litte girl had the first pangs of distress - but they were quickly drowned under ice cream and hot fudge and all the Smuckers she could eat.

Bed time came very early at the Oeffinger's house...and the little girl had only just finished the huge Be Happy sundae (something mommy would *never* let her have) when it was time to go to sleep. The little girl didn't want to go to sleep, all she wanted to do was run around the house...and to her growing distress, as the tv was shut off, and the lights began to go out one by one...she grew more and more afraid.

The Big Girl promises of only a few hours before started to feel like the most horrible mistake she had ever made. Had she been insane? Quieter and quieter the house became, and as if in perfect mirror, the feelings in her heart and the frantic racing of her mind grew brighter and louder.

A place was made for her to sleep on the couch...but she wasn't tired in the slightest bit. In fact, her tingling, itching to run feet felt like they could run her right outside and straight to wherever mommy and daddy were having their anniversary dinner - no matter in the world where that may be. Screw Big Girl Promises...the little girl wanted out. NOW.

Grandma was consoling, and so was Grandpa...but this only made the girl feel a little bit better. She was put into her pajamas, and put into bed, being reminded of her Big Girl Promisies and how proud her mom would be. This was enough to quiet the little girl down, for making Mommy proud was one of her life's highest aspirations.

Out went the last light, and the little girl was alone... Very alone... Totally alone, in fact... Was that ticking clock doing its ticking thing all this time? So loud...so quiet... so ALONE. Fear and panic rose up in her like a blooming fire and she suddenly bolted out of her makeshift bed and ran fast as her itching feet could take her, straight to her grandparent's bedroom. Tears rolling down her cheeks there at the side of their bed, hearing their comforting words, Grandparents, she realized, at least were someone... Not anywhere near like mommy, but they were far better than no one and a ticking clock.

Grandpa got up and took her back to bed, tucking her in himself... He left her, then...to the ticking clock and the darkness...it was only a few hour-like minutes before she was up again, tears rolling faster than ever, running back into her grandparent's room. Grandma didn't respond at all this time. Grandpa did all the talking as he took her back to bed, explaining about how Big Girls didn't get scared when their mommies were having fun... Didn't Mommy deserve to have time to herself, since she spent so much time with the little girl?

The little girl told her Grandpa, between sobs, all about how she had made a big mistake, how she wasn't a Big Girl, she was a little girl, and she wanted to go home. Grandpa told her, "That's quite out of the question. You are making your Grandmother mad, and unless you want a spanking, you had better quit crying like a baby and go to sleep."

That made the little girl go quiet immediately, scared stiff at the idea of a spanking. She had heard of spankings before, mythical beasts of terror and pain that turned loving Mommies into horrible monsters if you did the wrong thing. She had never experienced this herself, and the idea terrified her.

Grandpa left her then, stern words hanging in the air. The words, though...they weren't anywhere near as loud as the ticking clock, or the darkness, or the funny smell of the scratchy blankets that were so Not Hers. Her feet began itching, and the tears that fear of punishment had momentarily held back began to roll down her cheeks once more. Didn't her grandparents know how much pain she was in? It was all but unbearable!

Actually, it *was* unbearable - the little girl found herself running down the hall to her grandparent's bedroom before she knew what she was doing. The energy running through her body felt like fire and ice, enough power to light up the house, surely. But it remained dark, even darker as she saw her grandparent's door, closed this time, standing before her. This was the line, she realized, that separated Big Girls from little girls...if she went so far as to open that door, her grandparents would be angry. She may be spanked! Her mom would be disappointed in her...

She began to turn around and go back, and in fact made it a couple steps before fear welled up in her heart once again and she made the choice to leave Big Girl aspirations behind her entirely. She wasn't a big girl. She was crying, and scared, she wanted her mommy, and she was definitely a very little girl. A baby, in fact... she would be anything she had to be, not to feel this pain anymore. And so, she opened the door.

It was SO dark in that room. Had it been that dark the last time she was here? Sniffling, she made her way to Grandpa's side of the bed, in her best way heeding the warning that Grandma may be mad, and trying to be quiet as she could as she came to him, ashamed.

He didn't even open his eyes, though it was so dark the little girl wasn't sure if she could see them even if he did. He didn't move. All he said was, "Be quiet. Go back to bed Right Now, your Grandma is getting really angry."

His words conveyed something darker than the girl had ever experienced before. It sounded almost as if her Grandpa was afraid...but how could that be? Why, was he afraid of the dark, too, and didn't want to get a spanking from her either?

With a sudden sense of real fear coursing through her (had she actually thought she knew what fear was, before this moment?) she nodded, tears stopping once again. A flare of fire rose up in her gut at the fact that he didn't even see her - that to him, this fear was much more important than any pain she may be feeling. He was scared, too, and useless to her as a source of comfort.

The little girl quietly left the room, forgetting to close the door behind her. She went to her little bed, feeling more alone than ever, greeted only by the ominous, ever-present ticking of the clock. It was maddening, and the smell of the place, the feel of the place, grew thick in her nose, cloying and sick. She hated it here, and she was SO angry at her mom for tricking her, for making her walk happily into this living hell, this prison. It was *worse* than her greatest fears. The little girl began to cry...

Quietly at first, and then a little louder, thinking herself all alone in the universe. So very alone. Sobs began, and soon she was rocking herself in the strange blankets, crying her heart out to someone who would never come. No one was going to save her from this hell, and the pain and fear would last forever.

And that was when it happened... The little girl found out why Grandpa was so afraid of Grandma. A huge rush of white suddenly came out of the bedroom, startling the little girl. So much energy, surely her Grandma could have lit up the entire house, just like the little girl could have not long ago - but this energy was very different. It was of a kind the little girl had never experienced before. For the first time in her life, the little girl was afraid. REALLY AFRAID.

The woman descended upon her like some helacious beast, teeth bared, her words not even making any real sense as she grabbed the little girl by the wrist. She was So Strong! The little girl had no idea that the woman could move like that! Fast and strong, the little girl was whipped out of bed by the wrist and raised up until her feet dangled above the floor.

It was then that the hitting began, and the spinning. The little girl couldn't hear the ticking clock anymore...all she could hear was the torrent of gibberish coming out of her grandmother's mouth...and the sound of her grandmother's hand as it smacking into her body over and over and over. No spot was spared, from head to shoulders to stomach and back, the little girl was beaten and screamed at while her grandmother spun her around and around in the dark, almost like when she played airplane with daddy, but also NOTHING like it.

Her shoulder burned like fire. She started screaming just like the woman, only NOTHING like the woman. Her screams were of fear and shock and pain, thudded out of her in time with every hit. For a while the little girl only heard her own screams, kept time with the woman's panting - she had worked up such a sweat she didn't have the breath to do more than utter an occasional, "Ungrateful," or "Wretched little girl."

Suddenly the girl was dropped, hitting the ground hard and crumpling into a fetal little ball, and that was how Grandma left her.


... I don't remember anything else... I know I didn't tell my parents what happened. I was too afraid that whatever it was I had done to illicit such a reaction from my grandmother was something truely horrible, and that they would be ashamed of me if they knew. I avoided my grandparents whenever I could and I never, ever stayed the night again.


Tale Two: "She needs to learn some discipline," - The Special Pre-School Grandma Selected


A new school had opened up that was getting rave reviews, according to Grandma. A school where kids were taught the 'important things'. Mommy didn't like the idea at all, but Daddy and Grandma insisted, and Mommy relented. The little girl at this time was around 4 years old, and had been clingier than ever. "She needs to learn some discipline," Grandma had told Mommy. Mommy didn't agree, but the little girl had been Mommy's Shadow for the last few months, and maybe a little time apart, in a safe environment, was just the thing the little girl needed.

Mommy didn't trust that the school was a safe environment, however, especially not upon Grandma's recommendation. After much talk of how proud Mommy would be when she came back to get the little girl in just a couple hours - a couple hours wasn't long, now was it, and how much fun she would have with all the other kids! - Mommy left the little girl. Unbeknownst to her, Mommy drove around to the side of the school, parked, and waited.

It was not fun. The other kids all knew each other already, and the little girl felt like an outsider. She wasn't invited to play any games, and rapidly began to feel very, very alone. She began to cry. She began to sob. The strangers that were supposedly there to take care of her couldn't even begin to touch on the isolation and aloneness the little girl felt - after the Betrayal of Grandma, the little girl wasn't about to let in or trust anyone else who told her it would be okay that Mommy was gone, and that she would be back. The little girl knew it Would Not Be Okay - she had experienced it. She collapsed into a heap on the ground, and cried.

And so, after sobbing insconsolably for a while, the little girl (who felt very old by now, but not by any means Big) was not surprised to find her wrist grabbed and her body hauled up roughly. She was half led, half dragged out of the room, everything moving so fast that she couldn't keep up even when she tried to run.

She was taken around the side of the school and led to a door apart from everything else. The door was opened, and it was pitch black inside. The little girl was pushed inside, and the door was closed behind her. She screamed and cried all the louder, throwing herself against the door as she heard it lock - such a final sound. The muffled voice of the person who had thrown her in the room came to her from the other side of the door, "You can come out when you learn to be a Big Girl and stop crying like a baby! Big Girls Don't Cry!" The room was virtually sound proof.

And then nothing. The little girl tried to look around the ptich black room, heard the ticking of a clock somewhere high on a wall, curled up into a fetal ball, and dissolved into a sort of gibbering, sobbing madness. Mommy had tricked her again.


... I think I remember, words coming out of my mouth that didn't make sense... Of being pushed over the edge, beyond what I was able to cope with. I remember it being many hour-like minutes, in that pitch blackness. To this day I can't stand the ticking of a clock when it's dark.

Mommy had seen, because she happened to be parked on that side of the school. She went immediately to talk to the teacher and get me out, but the teachers argued with her. It apparently took some time and threats to ge tme out, I'm not sure... All I remember is not being able to see out the door the light was so bright when it was opened, and that I had apparently done something very, VERY bad because the person was more angry at me when they let me out than they were when they put me in. I was taken back to Mommy.

That's all I remember... I heard, later, that the school was eventually closed due to several counts of child abuse. My mom never filed a suit... I wonder how many other parents didn't, before enough did to close down the school...