The Dawn of Dawn Just Lately

08-30-2006 - 3:45pm

I am a part of a group called Empaths, on YahooGroups made up of people learning about their empathic gifts. A message was sent out to everyone requesting that they describe what they've been up to and doing with their lives lately...so, I wrote the below in response. It's a pretty good sum up of the Dawn of Dawn just lately, and I felt it had a place here on my blog... So, here it is! :)

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'ello! :)

Let's see...

Well, my empath journey begain when my parents died, in 2002 and 2003, less than a year apart. I was 27 at the time and not ready to be without my parents. I was an agnostic, and had accidently taken PCP in college back in '95 (I thought I was taking LSD, a 3 hour trip with few if any side effects. Instead I took a two week long one.) that seriously messed up my world view as far as the fact that I felt VERY alone and was positive that I was to live in the isolated cell of my own perceptions until the day I died. It was a dark time in my life, from '95 - '03... Very angry, very lost. I got very sick (doctors thought it was Lupus at the time, but since then have downgraded to rheumatoid arthritis - give me another year or so and I'll downgrade them to nothing at all, I intend!) and was just disenchanted with life. Discontent with a capital D.

And then my parents died and it was just, like, fine, game over. Life sucks and it's not going to get any better. I want out. I remember very clearly sitting in the kitchen, coming to the realization that the human body really is very frail... Put a hole in it and it bleeds and you die...eat the wrong stuff and you die... We really are walking miracles, I thought - the fact that we can stay alive at all, with how fragile we are. I was eyeing the knives in particular, when a voice interupted my reverie.

The voice said, "You are She Who Stands and Looks Both Ways."

Up to this point I had never heard a Distinctly-Not-Mine voice in my head. I blinked, and was like, okay...if this is crazy, at least it's different. At least it's interesting. Upon my deciding this, I was treated to a life review. It contained each and every (it's amazing how much you can see in your mind's eye in the span of a minute) instance in my life up to that point that I had made a pivotal decision. Go forward, or back. Up or down. Right or left. I got the sense that I was at pivotal decison time again. Live...or die.

I chose to live. Shortly thereafter I was visited by my mom in a very real, even my analytical skeptical mind could not deny sort of a way. She guided me to a website that talked about Lightworkers and synchronicity, and I remembered how she had said, "God works through synchronicities."

Well, voices in my head. My mom visiting me. Maybe there was a God after all...and if maybe there was a God... maybe there was A Plan. Maybe I wasn't as alone as I thought. Maybe my life actually *had* meaning, but it was up to me to find it.

I followed guidance, as I've now come to think of it, to Virginia, where I convalesced under the care of an amazing friend for one full year. I had cut all ties - job, boyfriend, personal possessions, friends - and simply focused on getting to know the Core Dawn for that year. I had a library card and an internet connection, and made very good use of them. That would be 2004. I then met my now husband, and got to know Dawn with Others for a year - 2005.

As part of my exploration I reconnected with God, and discovered the many gifts I have that will play and are playing a major role in my life's mission. Empathy is a major one of these - empathy with people, plants, animals, crystals, items, you name it. I read Journey of Souls by Michael Newton and in doing so, I remembered something very important: Empathy is the way we communicate when on the other side, as natural as breathing. Empathy is a form of communication when we're on *this* side, too! Most people just happen to be unconscious of the fact that we're doing it, or that we can hear it when we learn to Listen.

This year, 2006, I am focusing on Core Dawn once again, but in a different manner. This Core Dawn exploration is about who I am in relation to why I was born, and my mission for this life. The Plan I spoke of earlier.

I have been discovering my gifts and honing them. I have also been letting go of that which no longer serves me - all of the subliminal, cultural, familial programming I have been acting under unconsciously, as well as all of the experiences I have had during my life that I sunk energy in to and never reclaimed/didn't resolve. I have been focusing on becoming more purely myself. It feels as if I am getting ready for something.

I am feeling more and more complete, every day - and my ability to Listen is expanding. I apparently have the ability to help others experience, and learn, empathic Listening, as well.

At some point along the way I started my own business, "Love is there..." (my mom's last words as she described her experience of dying) I do intuitive consultations, tarot readings, healing hugs, and all kinds of other fun, useful things. I have also begun teaching at Shenendoah University in Virgina, and am going into my second session with two classes this Fall - New Age Wisdom and Advanced New Age Wisdom. The first session was such an amazing experience (apparently for the students as well as myself!) that I'm absolutely sure that, along with healing, teaching is a part of my Life Mission.

That's what I'm up to, for now! I have no idea what 2007 will bring. :)

*hugs!* and Namaste' :)
- Dawn

Celebrity Aura Reading - Tom Cruise

08-27-06 - 2:08pm

I was talking to Rose Rosetree the other day, and she mentioned that she was working on her e-zine, Reading Life Deeper, for September. I mentioned how I liked the celebrity aura readings, how I could follow along with her readings, and she commented that she may not be doing one this time around - but wouldn't it be interesting to see what Tom Cruise is up to, after his break up with Paramount Pictures? And maybe I might be interested in doing a reading? I said Sure! :)

I was trained by Rose Rosetree herself, through attending a class she held for Classes Etc. as well as through two different intensives, Healing with Deeper Perception and the Empath's Empowerment. Both of these are held like once a year, coming up for this year very soon! Looks like the Healing with Deeper Perception intensive is called Cut Cords of Attachment and More Techniques of Spiritual Healing now, and will be held on September 17th, 2006 in Sterling, VA, and the Empath's Empowerment intensive will be on the 3rd of November.

I very much hope to be able to go to that one, again, myself! :) If I understand correctly, sign ups for pre-registration are going on now and coming to an end soon, so if the idea sparks your interest, I would contact Rose right away. I can't recommend the intensives enough, and can't even begin to convey how much I learned and grew through experiencing them. I had no idea I could do any of this until I met Rose.

So! Back to Tom. I don't know much about Tom Cruise really... I know I like most of his movies when I'm in the mood for stuff high on action and low on deep thought... I know he's a Scientologist...and after reading up on his divorce from Paramount so I would actually know what Rose was talking about, I now know that he is more along the lines of a raving Scientologist.

And so, here is my Aura Reading of Tom Cruise, after his contract with Paramount was terminated just a few days ago. And this is, of course, all just for fun, all just my opinion, for entertainment purposes only, etc. etc., disclaimer disclaimer. :)

Root Chakra (Physical)
This is a man who knows that he can do anything. He is well connected, well grounded and believes in perseverance and pushing through adversity. The more you throw at him, the more he'll shine. Watch out if you get in his way, though... you'll either be caught up and pulled along with him, or trampled underfoot.

Sacral Chakra (Emotions, Creativity, Sexuality)
Fiery but unable to connect. Tom is apparently a man unto himself, prone to strong emotions that he is very good at channeling into creating that which he wants for himself. Connection is not his strong suit, however - the charismatic projection of an image is taking up most of his energy, and he believes that this is the way things are supposed to be. The sexual spark that his image conveys, it seems, is true to form...yet only on a physical level.

Solar Plexus (Personal Power, Self)
POWER, of the personal kind. This is someone who believes in himself, and himself alone. The Power of Me. It is this almost giddy sense of power that makes him so attractive, to men and women alike. I've never been physically anywhere near Tom Cruise, but I bet he has one amazing Presence.

Heart (Love, Relationships, Connection)
I get the image of a scared child. Tom has been so used to using POWER that a bit of a disconnect has occured. He's afraid to let people in - his way has been to dominate and control through his own sheer force of will and emotion. To allow entrance of another is to show weakness and become vulnerable. Being vulnerabile is something he fears more than anything else, and refuses to accept. His love is of the possession kind.

Throat (The Will, Communication)
CHARISMA! The silky smooth, sweet tones of someone you really, really want to believe in - even though you may not know why. A master of manipulation, but in a very straight forward manner. Tom isn't the kind of person that will pull a fast one. What he does and wills will happen before you even realize it's happened - right in front of your face.

Third Eye (Spiritual Connection, Inner Sight)
Tom's third eye feels like it thinks its open, but it's not because it has gained such a rigid view. It's very open in some ways, yet streamlined and boxed into a very narrow point of focus. This is a man who sees far beyond, but only in one direction. There's actually a sense here of having gotten lost somewhere...the power and will have overtaken the heart, and all that remains is loud noise.

Overall
It doesn't feel as if this break from Paramount has really bothered Tom at all. In fact, I bet if you asked him, he would say, "It was all part of the plan..." And he would believe it even as he said it - and for all intents and purposes it would be true.

And yet, there is a sense of wounding here, as well. Of abandonment, and being caught by surprise. A sense of, "Not again..." and, "I'll leave you before you can leave me!" and of absolutely not having the capacity to ever admit he did something wrong - and mean it. For image? For getting something done? Sure, he'll say sorry. But as far as Tom Cruise is concerned, in his mind he never acts inappropriately. People just don't understand him, he believes, and that's their loss. They'll see in the end. They'll see, just wait.

The Interesting Process of Going Off Auto-pilot

08-25-06 - 11:18pm

I found this to be an interesting enough phenomena that I wanted to share it. :) I've been coming back to myself, in many ways, these last months... And perhaps even coming back to a me I've never even met, yet! Allow me to explain. :)

A while back, I was reading Rose Rosetree's book, The Power of Face Reading, and realized that by plucking my eyebrows, I was actually altering my face. And, in altering my face, my altered face was actually altering me! So, I thought it over... I had been plucking and shaping my eyebrows once a week for years - a very painful process. Why was I doing this, anyway? After all, didn't I want to show my genuine face (and a genuine reflection of my spirit from the inside-out, au natural) to the world, anyway? So, I stopped.

The world didn't come to an end. No one even really noticed...and after a few weeks I got used to my face in the mirror, and came to like it just the way it is. :) Then, a couple months later (this moves us in to just a few weeks ago)...I noticed. My legs. I have been shaving my legs since I was 12, when a boy I had a crush on in 6th grade looked at them and said, "Ewww, hairy!" (They weren't, really, by the way...I realize that now, like 20 years later :P)

I asked my husband about it, and if he cared if I stopped shaving my legs... (leg shaving for me was a twice a week, 15 minute ritual, by the way) And he didn't mind one bit. So, I stopped. And, the world didn't come to an end. And, no one even really noticed... (I will say I do have very fair hair so it's not even really noticible unless you're looking for it) I looked at my legs after a couple weeks and realized - I had never even known what my adult hair patterning for my legs *was*. I never let myself experience it because I had been shaving since before I became one. :P

So...onward! I was at my accupuncturest the other day, with a pain over my lower ribs. It was a bit swollen, and had been a sore spot of and on for a few years. I had had to stop wearing underwire bras because to do so would bring on instant swelling and pain. So, I've been wearing all cotton ones. But, as I showed her where it was hurting, I noticed that the bottom of my bra line runs right the owie spots. In addition, she pointed out that the liver, lung and heart meridians all cross right there, on both sides. She said it would do me some good to have some down time on the bra wearing, give my body a rest

So! I did. And in the meantime I did some research on bras. Why do women wear them, anyway? I always thought it was to prevent sagging, but apparently that's just a myth. I found a good site, here, that talks all about it - and interestingly enough has a gallery of women who have sent in photos of their breasts. I never even realized - I had no clue what 'real' breasts look like! :P I mean, you see women in locker rooms but you can't exactly stare... It was just a real wake up call for me as far as the media goes. None of the dozens of pictures of women's breasts in the gallery looked anything like the models you see on tv, in advertising, etc. None.

I remember my first boyfriend pointing to the stretch marks on my breasts and saying, "That's not normal. Breasts don't look like that." Well...I was mortified! And I believed him, too, just like the kid in 6th grade who commented on my hairy legs. :P Apparently...breasts often do look like that - especially if that gallery has anything to say on the subject - even when you're young.

At this point I am now going around without a bra for the most part. I have a nice, soft sports bra that I'm wearing when exercising...but that's about it. The funny thing is, I feel all weird and self conscious not wearing one when I'm out in public - and I don't even know why! Talk about programming... I have yet to encounter anyone who's noticed that I'm not wearing a bra... Once again, the world did not come to an end the first time I went out without one. But still, I feel awkward, like there's a spotlight on me... Like some little old lady is going to point me out in public one day with a gasp, "Oh my, how indecent! She's not wearing a bra!"

I'm working on that, now. :) I don't like being held prisoner by subliminal programming and the things ignorant (and I mean that in the nicest and truest of ways :P) little kids said to me when I was growing up and so insecure about body image. I do have to say, though, I'm curious where all of this is leading. It feels as if I am retracing my steps and making conscious decisions about all of the things I have been doing on auto-pilot for most of my life. I feel like I am, for the first time, consciously choosing to be who I am - hairy legs and all. :)

(And, as a side note, I can still feel some energy around this, coming out in my desire to tack a humorous ending onto the end of this post. Something like, 'Don't worry, I won't turn into a neanderthall woman' or, 'I'm drawing the line at not washing my clothes' or something like that. Ah, the power of societal standards...)

People Evolve on Their Own Schedule

08-23-06 - 8:00am

Fellow bloggers, Ryan and Anita, posted very interesting comments to a post I made back on the 15th or so, in which I was talking about no longer teaching a particular workshop because I couldn't manage the scheduling - people kept cancelling or changing their minds about when they were free. This experience gave me the time I needed to figure out that I didn't even actually want to be teaching Chios in person, in the first place.

Thinking about it and talking about it has brought to light some other important ideas, which have continued to evolve through the exchanges with Ryan and Anita - and even Rose Rosetree and Sylvia Brown, in-absentia, drawn from their own previous writings. And so, I'm posting the whole thing here! :)

Ryan said...

I know I am a healer and a teacher... I adore teaching, but I don't know what, yet. Something about guiding others to their own potential as the full creators of their lives...but not about the Law of Attraction or even about Manifestation...what, then?

Perhaps your ideas of what constitute teaching and healing are too narrow? Rose Rosetree has Sylvia Brown's book Blessings from the Other Side" in the bibliography of Wrinkles Are God's Makeup I checked out this book from the local public library system and read it. I remember that Browne talks about roles or something similar to the "role" concept, and she referenced this man who, if I remember correctly, worked as a plumber or something like that, and one of his roles was that of healer. The author said he was always fixing things such as computers, helping animals, and other things not generally thought of as healing. I eventually hope to own my own business, and I imagine a point will come where I will have to have employees. When that point comes, I will try create the kind of place of employment that I would want to work in. In a way, I think that would make me a teacher--I think leadership or being a role model are often forms of teaching.

*snip*

Dawn of "Love is there..." said...

'ello Ryan! :)

That's a really good point about the role of teacher and healer, and I've actually been told as much before... That I'll heal and teach by my presence. The Action Journey part of me (like, what do I do with my life) isn't too satisfied with that answer. Guess, if I follow my bliss long enough, I'll wander 'accidently' into the answer. ;)

Anita said...

Hi Dawn,

Interesting discussion about healers - it reminds me of something similar Rose wrote about why she started her Portal:

When I grew up in the 1950’s, very few career paths were open to a woman. She could become either a Mommy, a nurse or a teacher—at least that’s how it seemed to many American children in my generation.

Today, this notion seems both limiting and laughable. Yet something similar prevails regarding Deeper Perception, consciously exploring levels of truth within everyday life.

Then later, she writes:

Yet what are the career paths for deeper perception? As someone who teaches techniques to open up Deeper Perception for anyone who desires it, I have had conversations about this in North America, South America, Europe, Asia and Africa. Everywhere that I have met with students, here is the prevalent, limiting notion:

“When you open up Deeper Perception, you can become either a psychic or a physical healer.”

Pathetic! Folks who are barely in their bodies keep signing up for more lessons in alternative healing. What else can they do, since they’re not inclined to become mediums? When they have finally accumulated enough credentials at physical healing, will they have found a calling? And if it is not for healing, what?

I wonder, why must world service be seen as a choice between chatting with angels or moving out headaches? For some people, these are authentic sacred callings. But for most awakening seekers, either route just might be a detour. Deeper Perception can take you anywhere, not just stay-at-home woo-woo, nursing or (psychic-level) teaching.

Not all doctors are "healers" either, by the way - or providing the kind of healing that you might want in addition to the treating or "healing" of physical symptoms. I think you probably know this better than anyone else.

I was talking to one of my university faculty yesterday, and her son just got a job as a high school teacher. She and her husband are both teachers at colleges. Her son ran a web site before this with a staff of many writers.

My parents own their own business and they always have.

One of the things I realized from listening to all of them is that it's actually very difficult to be a good teacher and healer - it's not the way people imagine it to be. It's not all love and light and people getting along.

I think I'm saying this because this recent conversation at the University was such a good reminder of this for me.

We have an idea of how something is or will be, and if often isn't that way at all. I think many people think that we graduate students get along and support one another on our journeys and in our struggles when in fact that is hardly true at all or is only part of the truth.

Part of the reason why things usually don't turn out the way we think they will is because people don't react the way we think they will. They are unpredictable. They can be difficult.

What we value in society is compliance - because that is what makes life easier for everyone. This is especially true in schools, and it is part of the reason why the school system is biased in favor of girls, as they are generally more compliant.

But when this faculty member was telling me her son's stories of people not submitting stories on time, etc., and her stories of teaching students and how to inspire them and how exhausting the work can be - it reminded me of how hard the work is.

It's not just about "Hey, people, I'm here to inspire you - now, go forth, yea, and be fruitful," and they are. It might be that way if you have clients who hire you as a consultant for your services, but a relatively small minority of people actually work full-time in this way in a healing practice. Many healers work part-time while holding another job, which might actually be their full-time job.

My parents have had to deal with people not showing up on time or not showing up at all, showing up to work and then using the work phone to make all their long-distance personal calls (which is disruptive to work and then increases the overhead of the business), bringing their young children to work when there is nowhere for the children to sit or play, so the children get bored and distract the employees and the customers... on and on.

I feel like I read this book by Sylvia Browne, I don't know why.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that we all play many roles, and I remember Rose saying once that the real roles we often end up playing can have very little to do with our job titles. Our "soul work" can be accomplished in any way, regardless of what title our job or society gives us.

I also think that a lot of people who hold titles or have leadership positions don't seem to be providing much in the of being a role model or leader - this despite their purported title.

Anyway, you'll find what works for you - I guess like Ryan, I wonder if it may not necessarily be in the package in which you might expect it to appear?

I don't think my parents' real roles have much to do with their job titles, and the people at the university who have taught me the most haven't always been the ones with titles of "advisor." I've found them elsewhere, sometimes in places I wouldn't have predicted.

-A

Dawn of "Love is there..." said...

'ello, Anita! :)

This one's been percolating in my head for a while now, and I finally have a reply for you. :)

I really enjoyed your reply... I especially liked the line, "Hey, people, I'm here to inspire you - now, go forth, yea, and be fruitful." That was great. :) But...I don't agree with you. I can't say exactly why...I just don't. And I've enjoyed trying to figure out why. Here's my thoughts -

It can be hard, but I don't think it has to be. I think the first thing to do, the first step, is to decide not to play the game anymore. To disengage.

I know I will be a teacher. I know I am a teacher, born a teacher. Whenever there's a chance that I might be able to empower someone else by sharing of myself, I'll take it.

I don't need to make them conform to my empowering others schedule. I couldn't if I tried (which is the game I've been playing). They'll be there when they can most be empowered, and personal energy and evolution schedules don't necessarily conform to my schedule. It's just something I need to understand...

I think with the logistics of it being in the physical world and all, that, perhaps one day I'll be holding workshops that will be large enough so that if certain people don't show up or can't schedule it or aren't on that place on their path at that time...that it won't impact me. As far as...there'll be others. There will always be those who are ready and interested.

I think, when it came to Chios, I was drawing from too small a group, and that's all. People weren't ready to evolve on my schedule, or anyone else's schedule but their own. That's what it came down to. That's what I believe.

Working against that schedule? Now that is hard.

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As far as my role goes...it does feel as if I'll be an organized teacher of something of some kind... I can't say why, exactly, but...that's what it feels like. :) Right now, and for the past little while, my primary occupation (job?) has been healing myself... And I have made so many discoveries because of this. I've learned so much - and I've catalogued and learned how I learned every step of the way.

I think, somehow, this is what I'll be sharing with others... I have been learning about how to empower myself, and now I understand, because of what I have experienced with this dis-ease, how to empower others. How to help others learn how to empower themselves.

That seems to be what it all really comes down to - everything I want to do, I mean. As my husband has pointed out to me on more than one occasion - everything I do comes down to a drive to help others find their own power within themselves.

If I tell someone a truth as I know it, it is mine...but if I help them to discover their own truth within themselves, from their own experience and inner knowing...then they really have something they can use.

Maybe my role is more one of a fascilitator than a teacher. I'm not interested in teaching people something I already know... I'm interested in helping others remember something that they already know. Hm. I like that. :)

Contract Terminated

(click to listen!)
08-22-06 - 7:45

Yesterday, I was lying down, thinking about a guided meditation that I led for several people on Sunday. (It was awesome! I had so much fun doing it, so happy. :) ) During the meditation we went to a temple that turned out to be within our own bodies. In this temple, you could create anything you desired, and it would instantly manifest.

Now, I do believe that this is true in real life. I have worked with manifestation techniques that have brought me experiences and things that I desired - such as my Rav4, or meeting my husband.

So, I'm lying there, thinking...why don't I do this more often?! I can do, be, experience, or have anything I want...why not make use of that? And a little voice popped up in my head, curbing my enthusiasm, whispering, "That's a bad idea. That would be dangerous."

Well...as you can imagine, I instantly paid very close attention. What? Why? "Because things are supposed to be a certain way," the voice said. "You're supposed to be unhappy...if you're too happy, bad things will happen. God will be angry."

Eh? This was no God that I believed in - as far as I knew. A God that was angry because I was too happy? What was up with that? That was a petulant god, a childish god. Not my God. I challenged the voice with this, and got a dim image of an outline of someone lit from behind. I couldn't make out their features. And suddenly I realized - I was looking at my father.

It all came to me in a rush of understanding, and a memory. My father, you see, had been gone for the first seven years of my life. My mom had an agreement with him that she would take care of me while he went off and lived with other women and did whatever he wanted - as long as he sent her money to live on. I guess he lost his girlfriend (place to live) or job or something when I turned seven, because my mom sat me down around that age and had A Talk with me.

She told me that my father was like a big child. He was jealous when I was born, angry that I took her attention away from him. He was prone to tempers and would take it out on me if I gave him the slightest inclination that I was more happy than him - so I better just not let that happen.

I suddenly realized that I never met my real father. I met a man whose image was overlaid by the stories of my mother. When my dad came home, I met the man my mother saw...not my actual dad. And thusly he became the boogeyman... I didn't experience something and then adjust my beliefs accordingly - I absorbed my mother's beliefs. And her fear. And her dis-ease (I am, now at 30, experiencing what she was experiencing physically at that time - joint pain etc.).

Well, right then, I got out my amethyst and dioptase crystals and laid them upon my body (amethyst raises and cleanses, dioptase works with the Green Ray), then went into meditation to confront my mother about this contract I agreed to with her back when I was seven. I called her up in my mind and faced her, adamant that she release me. A rolled up partchment that looked a whole lot like an image of the Bill of Rights I've seen before appeared between us.

She called my attention to the bottom line, which had her signature, and a space for mine which was blank. She then said, "You were only bound by this contract for as long as you believed in it. You are now free. See? No signature. The only contract that will ever be or has ever been binding for you is one you believe in." She then added, "I am always here, happy and willing to offer you help any time you wish."

I expressed my doubts about this - considering the original contract she had gotten me in to, and she said, "I am coming from a higher place of expanded perspective, now, and have some new ideas for you."

With this she led me through a bit of a life review, in which I came to understand that where I am now was incredibly shaped by that one contract. How I saw my father, the experiences I had because of this altered relationship with him. Who I am was shaped by what I experienced - and who I am is amazing. I wouldn't change me for anything.

I realized, in a way, that my mom protected me - she bore the brunt of his image, because she was the one that created it for me, not my own experience. I can shed it now, in one fell swoop, because it never was my own truth, from the very beginning. This is a great gift my mother gave me.

As soon as I realized this, as soon as I felt gratitude, my father appeared. This was pretty unprecedented - I've been so angry at my dad for so long that it's hard (if not impossible) to call him up in my mind at all, let alone have him drop in of his own accord.

He looked at me, and I suddenly realized I was seeing him - the real him - for the very first time. I went up to him, and realized that I actually liked him. He was a really neat guy, full of wonderful qualities that never were able to surface through the miasma of an image that I carried around of him all my life. I hugged him, and he hugged me back.

It was like an incredible reunion with someone I had once known a long time ago, but had forgotten. Like he had just been wearing a mask all that time, and here's the real him! Ta da!

It was good to meet him. :)

After that I spent the whole rest of the day wandering around, thinking to myself, "I'm free!"

Post Soul Retrieval Write-Up

08-22-06 - 7:37pm

Since the last post, since the soul retrieval, I have felt more Me than I have in years. More solid...more alive...more here. Everything feels more genuine and fully experienced. The anxiety is gone and has been replaced by a quiet, calm sort of acceptance. Next time I'll be sure to ask for help before it gets down to the wire. Suffering, though, certainly is an incredible catalyst for change and growth.

My thinking and emotions have changed subtly as well... My thinking is...how can I put this...faster? Expanded? I'm not sure...it just feels as if I have a wider perspective than ever before, and can see connections in a way I never have.

Emotionally, I'm feeling things differently. Generally I've always felt emotions in the heart area, or in the tummy area...but now I'm feeling them elsewhere in my body, too... Like in the lungs, or in my hands. I have a feeling that these sensations were always there, but I just wasn't aware of them before.

I've spoken to a few people about the soul retrieval experience, and apparently it's a really big deal... A life changing deal. I can see this - if only because I feel as if I'm totally here for the first time in a long time. That has to have a major impact across the board!

I finally figured out what's going on... Thank God.Soul Retrieval

08-16-06 - 9:11am

Yugh. I had some clues from a couple tarot readings I did for myself over the last few days. They emphasized that what I've been experiencing lately has to do with my relationship with myself, and that I need to make sure I feel my feelings and don't hide them. Not a lot to go on, but it was a start and I've been doing my best to work with those ideas...

Well, this morning it got *really* bad. It's been bad for a couple weeks now, but...this was just horrendous. This feeling of total 'What's the point?' 'Why go on?' 'Nothing really matters, anyway...' And it was coming out of nowhere!

Now, it's important to understand, outwardly my life is great right now. Even, I would dare say, inwardly. Life is great! I'm supported and loved and stable like never before...doing interesting things, about to reach into new areas of expression I've never experienced before, which is really exciting for me. Life *should* feel great, but instead I'm feeling all of these feelings that don't make *any* sense. I really, *really* don't like it when things don't make sense. ;)

So there I am this morning, laying awake, crying to myself, wondering what in the world is happening to me - am I going crazy? Is this some kind of accidental, chemically induced depression? Does it matter...and do I even care? I felt soul sick, and very, very tired. I remembered what the card reading said, and decided to try to feel the feelings - to not fight them or try to figure them out, just feel them.

Oohhhhhh that sucked. It felt as if I was going to drown. Finally, I turned to God... I said, I don't know what's going on, none of this makes any sense and I feel so utterly lost. I don't know what to do, but I can't handle this much longer. Please help me.

And then there came that part where you have to wait for an answer, so I got very very quiet so I would be sure to hear it when it came. And I did. I heard, very clearly, "Listen." You know, Listen with a capital L. I thought I *had* been listening, but decided to listen even harder. I listened with every fiber of my being...and I suddenly felt/heard/experienced a different version of myself crying. And I understood.

Three years ago, this week, I broke. Quite literally, you could say...

To make an incredibly long story short, my dad had died suddenly/unexpectedly July '02 (I was 26 years old at the time) and I had developed a case of full blown, early onset rheumatoid arthritis. Sensitivity to chemicals and doctor's inability to actually pinpoint what I was experiencing led to drugs doing very uncomfortable, scary things to me. When my mom died April '03, leaving me with no remaining close family, the world took on total nightmare hues.

Thinking back, I don't actually know how I survived... I definitely didn't want to. I was in so much pain, on so many levels, life had become a nightmare house of mirrors with one horror after the next faithfully waiting for me at every turn. August 18th of 2003 or so would be the first time I seriously considered actively committing suicide. And that's the first time I ever heard a voice in my head with a 'distinctly not mine' quality to it.

Standing there in the kitchen, contemplating the many ways one could end their life located conveniently all in one little room, I heard a voice say, 'You are She Who Stands, and Looks Both Ways.' The words were followed by a life review in which I was shown all the major, pivotol points in my life where I had been given a This or That choice. Turn left, or right - it's your decision.

I suddenly realized, in that one moment, that I could choose to end it all right then - no harm no foul. Or, I could choose to go on. I decided that if this was what going crazy felt like, at least it was different. At least it was interesting. I decided to play with crazy for a while... After all, I could always kill myself tomorrow. Why not do all the things I was so scared of doing, in the meantime? I realized that there was no outcome from doing a scary thing that could trump death.

Life got better from that point onward.

Up until that point, though, and especially during the early weeks in August - I was in hell, a living hell. I now believe that, during that time, a part of me decided that it had had enough. It packed its bags and left town before the rest of me - only I never showed up to join it. I chose to live. Now that part of me is realizing that it's safe to come back, but in order for it to do so I need to accept it - and its baggage.

As I capital L Listened to myself crying, I felt so much...well...crap, pass through me. I realized as I relaxed and witnessed, that I was now bigger than the crap - if that makes sense. Like a river whose banks had been greatly widened, I was able to allow those feelings, to hold space for those feelings...and let them pass through me without ill effect. My capacity for, well, crap, is much wider and deeper than it ever was back when that part of me first experienced this stuff.

As long as I actively hold space, anyway. As long as I don't identify with the crap as mine in the present, I'm okay. Identifying with it as mine in the Now is what I've been doing that's been making me feel so awful and overloaded/overwhelmed lately. No wonder I have been avoiding people! I have enough crap to deal with! Ahem. ;)

Those feelings I had of wanting to throw up on a mental, emotional, spiritual level a post or two ago? This is it. Now I know. I do believe it is referred to in shamanistic metaphysical terms as Soul Retrieval.

Soul Retrieval: Trauma, shock or abuse can cause a part of the soul energy to leave and remain 'stuck.' A soul retrieval practitioner or shaman retrieves the soul, bringing it back to the physical body. (As defined by the Crystal Bible by Judy Hall, a book I just happen to be reading right now :) )

There's a neat article I found on Soul Retrieval, and actually a pretty cool resource for transformatoinal stuff all around, here: http://worldtrans.org/TP/TP1/TP1-111.HTML

After I allowed these feelings to pass through me, I suddenly remembered many things I hadn't even realized I had forgotten. The way the house looked at that time, for instance. The chair I spent a lot of my time in, in those days, and the table I sat at... Unusually crystal clear memories of seemingly inocuous things that I hadn't thought about in years.

I have a feeling there is still more to come in the following days, more to allow to pass through me... and I'm okay with that. It's just a major relief to know that there's nothing actually wrong with me right now, and that my feeling these things is actually helping me to welcome a lost part of myself back home. :)

Maybe I'll throw myself a party...

Just had to share this - makes me laugh and smile every time :)

Be sure you have the sound on! :)

Shifting Ground

08-15-06 - 4:40

Well, first off, let me say I have *no* idea what's going on with me... :P I seem to be perfectly unstable and perfectly stable at the same time, right along with absolutely terrified and perfectly calm - with the occasional swing from one extreme to the other.

I seem to have also lost all desire to have contact with anyone else... Being around people makes me feel very overwhelmed. I don't want to start anything new or continue anything old... And I seem to have little or no tolerance for doing or saying anything other than exactly how I feel and stating exactly what I want...

For instance, just recently I resigned as an in-person Chios teacher. I began teaching Chios Energy Field Healing in person over a year ago, at the request of a friend. There are three levels, and I now have 12 people who have completed level 1 with me, and two people who have completed level 2... I was, a few weeks ago, attempting to set up a new Chios level 2 class when I suddenly realized - I don't want to teach this!

I had all of these expectations and responsibilities I had placed upon myself... I took students this far, I should take them all the way, etc. etc... But, what it came down to was, it didn't matter what I or anyone else wanted from me or expected - I didn't want to teach it anymore, and I wasn't going to. Period. My heart told my brain to deal with it somehow, and that was it.

I orignally began teaching Chios because I am so drawn to healing and teaching... But, it just doesn't feel right anymore - and I can't even say why! So many things are just not feeling right anymore, and are dropping away. I'm beginning to wonder what will be left when all is said and done.

I know I am a healer and a teacher... I adore teaching, but I don't know what, yet. Something about guiding others to their own potential as the full creators of their lives...but not about the Law of Attraction or even about Manifestation...what, then?

I seem to know very well what I don't want...what doesn't fit... There are a LOT of things. And the things that do fit fit solid and fast, like they were always there. And yet I can't seem to piece together what I *do* want... I just know what I don't want when I see it. Kind of helpful. Kind of. :P

As I said, I have NO idea what's going on with me except that I have no control (which is terrifying and very calming simultaneously) and little tolerance for much of anything. :P My sensitivity seems to have skyrocketed...working with crystals and plants is astounding...people are just overwhelming. I feel people saturated, and terribly alone at the same time.

I think it may have to do with my patterning and training as a child to create myself in the image that others wanted to see in me... Maybe I just need to be alone to see who I am, just me by myself, right now... Who am I, when no one wants anything from me? I don't know...

I had a dream the other night about a subway train I was on. It was going very fast, and I needed to know where I was going because the trains were going to stop running at midnight and I needed to get wherever that was before then. None of the places I knew were on the map, and I couldn't remember where I had left my car, or anything. Everything was very fuzzy and out of control, yet smoothly moving along VERY quickly to an ultimate destination - one I had no clue about.

That's how life feels right now.

Oh, one other little thing I forgot to mention... I have been having the weirdest sensation lately, and NOT a pleasant one. I keep feeling like I want to throw up - mentally/emotionally/spiritually. That's the best way I can describe it. :P Like I need to barf my brains out but I can't figure out how. :P I feel toxic.

I've tried ritual cleansings, smudging, crying, stomping my feet, music, art therapy, energy work, laying on of crystals, meditation, guided visualization, flower essences, accupuncture, chocolate... Everything I know. Each thing works for a little while, but the overall impulse and desire to, well... throw up... always comes back, and it's getting bigger and stronger, like there's a huge pressure. It's intensely uncomfortable... :P

It also feels as if half of me isn't here, half the time... I'm fuzzy, incomplete and, well, just feel sick. In the immortal words of Bart Simpson, "This sucks." :P

I went on a 'retreat' thinking maybe it had to do with my being so near D.C. That maybe I was picking up on ambient bad vibes... Getting away for a few days was nice, and being alone, surrounded by trees, was a truly intense and spiritual experience... But back home now I feel even worse than I did before I left - not to mention I've picked up a new pain in my hip I've never had before(hip pain deals with resisting moving forward into the future, btw) that has me out of water aerobics for the last couple days. I'm stiffening up everywhere like a mannequin.

Phew, now I've headed into the land of complaining. I guess it feels good to whine a little bit, though... The pressure must be starting to get to me. :P

Oh, one last last thing...on a different note... I am seeing all kinds of mastery numbers everywhere... 111, 222, 333, 444, 555... 11:11... Clocks, mile markers and odometers, microwaves, license plates (spent a while on the road the last week - that retreat was 4hrs away)... Something is going on.

The Language of the Soul

(click to listen!)

08-04-06 - Very early morning (yawn)

You ever wake up with the answer to something you've been mulling over for days? Or with sudden inspiration that comes out of what seems like nowhere? This is one of those cases, though it was more the genesis of several different ideas that have been in my heads just recently... They all came together in what felt like a very important realization, one which I felt compelled to not only record on my digital audio recorder (which I keep by my bed, by the way), but also to get up and transcribe, immediately. *yawn!* It's 5 in the morning, now...and when I originally recorded it was just after 4am.

So, for your listening/reading pleasure, I present to you myself, half awake! ;) Complete with yawns and rambling and long pauses where I half fall asleep again and everything. :)

----

I just had a blending of ideas. I was reading the book guided visualization, (otherwise known in the waking world as Staying Well with Guided Imagery by Belleruth Naparstek) and a woman was saying that no matter how much we want something, there's often a part of us that resists change.

So, (she said) working with a metaphor, working with symbols, can bring about the whole chebang all at once before the left hand mind can get in there and start to resist it. It just understands, part and parcel, the entirety, and change slips in before a revolt is organized, or it is understood that there is a need for one.

That's how a lot of change happens.

Also, the idea that, some part of me is invested in staying sick, staying unwell and being in pain. I'm getting something out of this that I want, otherwise it wouldn't be here. And that's all right, that's fine... but it's on an unconscious level.

Working in the realm of metaphor, working with symbols to convey ideas to my soul. Symbols are the language of the soul that will help me understand and eventually release this dis-ease that I'm working with, that I don't want to work with anymore, but a part of me wants to work with a lot.

Also, a quote from myself that I wrote a few weeks ago...maybe it was a week ago. Time is so fast these days. It says, 'the whole world is looking for someone to love them, to trust them, to believe in them. But in the end what it is that everyone really actually wants is the ability to believe themselves...to love themselves...to trust themselves...' (The actual waking quote, as I originally wrote it, is, "The whole world wants someone to believe in them when what they really want is to be able to believe in themselves.")

And last but not least, working with the Book of Storms. (This is that Empath workshop I've mentioned in this blog before, run by Jad as a YahooGroup. He refers to the totality of his work as The Book of Storms. You can find the group here.) How the Alpha state works with symbols. Symbols are the bridge between the unconscious and the conscious. Symbols are the bridge that allow the message to come through. It is how the soul speaks. It is how the soul listens. It bypasses circuits that we have erected in this lifetime out of fear and goes directly to the source.

Metaphor...symbols...speak...the language of the soul. The language of no-fear. The language of love, belief, and trust. They will be the bridge that sets me free...the rainbow bridge.

(On the waking side of the world, I'm not sure what the rainbow bridge reference is here for. It's a reference that means three different things to me. First thing, when pets die, it is fabled they go to the rainbow bridge - you can google the word and find all kinds of references.

Second, it's a reference to the Chakra system, the series of energy vortices that run up the length of the body in rainbow fashion.

Third, in a deep channeling/hypnosis session I had with Judy McBride (if she had a website I would point to it! She's in Annapolis, Maryland and listed as a hypnotherapist) a few months ago, I actually got to a point where I was referring to myself in the plural. As you can imagine, it was quite an amazing experience. She had had me rise up so that I could look upon myself from behind the shoulder of my deceased mother, and what I saw was a long, white, umbilical like cord reaching from 'the sky', down to my heart, which was also the Golden Gate Bridge (yes, the one in San Francisco) and the Rainbow Chakra Bridge simultaneously in the way only dreams can convey. I saw myself lit up in gold energy.

The above reference to the rainbow bridge could be referring to any one of those...or none of them!)

Pain (emotional or physical) as a Heads Up!

08-02-06 - 11:30am

Someone on an Abraham-Hicks list said:

I am however, puzzled by what keeps happening. I will be in this wonderful place, and then for no obvious reason, I will move down the emotional scale into worry, fear, irritation.

Quick, two cents reply! :) It sounds like there's still some things/habits/patterns/past trauama that you need to let go of. :) There's something talked of on the list sometimes referred to as 'putting a happy face sticker on it'. In my understanding, that's what happens when you move yourself up the emotional scale (or try), right out of something you're supposed to learn from and release.

Sometimes you just gotta look, and spend some time in those not-so-sparkly lower emotions - they are there for a reason, not just some fluke of nature. When they're not fueled by bad mental habits (negative self talk, worrying, etc.) they're a sign that there's something that you have a chance to address. :) Just like pain in the body, emotional pain serves its own purpose.

Physically we strive to feel good. Emotionall we strive to feel good. Feeling bad physically means something is out of balance - something needs to be given a measure of our awareness. Feeling bad emotionally means something is out of balance, too - something needs to be given the benefit of our focus.

When you're in physical pain, it's a form of an alarm. "Take your hand off the stove, NOW!" When you're in emotional pain (i.e. discomfort, or not-so-sparkly feelings) it is also a form of an alarm, but here you enter into a more hazy land of definition. The mind and emotions consider visual imagery, self talk and memories to be just as real as something that's 'really' happening to you.

So your emotional pain could very well be being caused by your replaying a memory, talking to yourself, imagining an outcome - all kinds of things! None of them actually occuring, but still something is coming up, something that is hanging around in your psche/energy, that needs to be addressed and given the benefit of your focus, so you can let it go (so you can take your hand off the stove).

It sounds like you've released the habit of negative self-talk and worrying that can drag many of us down...and you've learned how to move up the emotional scale when circumstances aren't exactly as you would desire, so you can be happy despite them. And yet the dropping in emotional level lingers... And it seems to do so without warning or apparent cause.

My thought would be that there is *something* going on to drop your emotions - it's just half unconscious. Next time it happens, do a quick Self Check. Check in with your environment, body, emotions, mind and soul and see if something is ringing for you... What was the last thought you had, before the drop? Where are you, physically, and how do you feel? On a soul level, do you feel a sense of pressure, of immenent 'Ah ha!'ness? And the next time, Self Check again, then compare notes... You'll find it soon enough, once your Inner Being knows you're ready and are willing to look. :)

My thoughts! :)
*hugs!*
- Dawn