Putting Your Best Face Forwarddisingenuous, or just smart?

09-27-06 - 4:30am

My husband and I and someone else I hadn't met were invited out to dinner by one of his co-workers, last night. It was a, "I'll bring my wife...why don't you bring yours?" kind of a situation. When we got together, I immediately got the sense that these people were from a different version of reality than myself. Their world was one of business, of money, of getting things done and being skillful doing it. Inevitably, the question of, "And what do you do?" came up, with everyone turning to look at me expectantly.

I'm never quite sure how to approach this question. I am very much in to being myself, these days. Of not compromising anything for the sake of society or 'looking good to others' just so they like and accept me. I'm feeling pretty secure in that, now. And yet, here I was, faced by people who had no clue my version of reality even existed. The things I do every day is the stuff of fantasy, for them.

I began by saying, "I work in alternative health," and was met by blank looks. Hm, okay. Next I tried the tact of, "Have you ever heard of Reiki?" Reiki is not one of my primary healing modalities, but it's the one most people are going to have heard about. Again I received a shaking of heads and even more puzzled looks.

I got a sense that going into the realm of, "Well...I read tarot cards..." would have been met with understanding - but not the kind I wanted. To these people, 'tarot reader' would bring up images of dimly lit rooms and crystal balls. I thought about saying, "Well, you know that whole hands on healing thing? Like out of the bible?" They would also have been able to relate to that - but again, not in the way I would have wanted. Not in a way that would actually express 'what I do' the way I see it.

Truth, it seems, is very relative.

So, how to express the Dawn of Dawn, without triggering pre-conceived belief buttons? I ended up telling them about a day in life of Dawn...

I told them about visiting someone in the hospital who had recently experienced a stroke, and holding their hands. I told them I used a technique where you breath (I got the sense that breathing energy was something they were familiar with, maybe from the growing popularity of Tai Chi) energy up your body, and out through your hands into the other person. (AKA Quantum Touch, by the way!) I also used Chios and Shamballa as well - but this I did not mention.

I told them about how as I did this, I led the woman through a guided meditation, calming her down, helping her ease her own pain. I got the sense that hypnosis was a word they could relate to on a level relative to mine, so I mentioned this as well since it was the best way I could relate to them what it was I was doing. What I was actually doing was guiding the energy through her hands and throughout her body with her help by giving her visualization cues, placing a blessing of light around her, and doing a room cleansing.

By this time they people at dinner had already sensed the passion with which I was speaking, and were nodding and smiling with understanding, so I decided to venture into unknown territory, using the bridge of another word they would know, 'accupressure points, you know, like they use in accupuncture...' From there I jumped to EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and explained how I used it to help re-inforce some suggestions for the woman - that she had the power and ability to dial down her own migraine pain.

One of the people at the table took it from there, talking about how wonderful it is to empower others and give them some control back in their lives. So, basically, they came away from the experience seeing me the way I see myself - as someone with a solid foot in the 'real world' and one not-so-solid (pun intended ;) foot in the 'world of possibilities,' who lives to empower others.

I'm still working with this, though. How do I feel about this... The end does not justify the means, but, did I do anything wrong? Did I sell myself short in any way? Something feels not quite right about it - but then again, sitting in their world for an hour or two felt not quite right, too. :P

I didn't lie... I guess, in the end, what I did was tailor the image of the Dawn of Dawn to suit their level of perception, so they could actually see me the way I am from where they were... It's not my job to beat people over the head with myself, to try to force their reality to change all at once by imposing the existence of myself upon them. And, in the end, I am me, no matter what face I put forth...

I think... with the tailoring, I'm shining as brightly as I can for the person, giving as much as they can handle without triggering their alarm shut down systems. When that happens, a person doesn't see or hear me, anymore. I've had it happen - I become a passing curiosity that doesn't fit with the way their version of the world works. An indulgent look (or sometimes a 'I'm ready for you to be done talking, now' look) comes over their face and you can almost hear 'Crazy' or, if I'm lucky, 'Eccentric,' floating on the wind.

Tailoring a version of myself for them so they can actually see me doesn't make me any less real, or what I do any less true... By presenting myself to them in an amount that they can handle, to a level that they can accept, allows me to shine as brightly as I can into their reality.

And...I think...I feel good about that. I think...

Rose Rosetree said I had the gift of social shapeshifting... I guess this is that gift in action.

Anyone else have any thoughts on this?

The Story Behind the Business Name, "Love is there..."

09-26-06 - 9:30pm

Terri of Bone Sigh Arts put out a request for works of art and stories of other's bone sigh experiences - sort of dark night of the soul stuff with an uplifting quality. I had created my own artwork, based on an adapted part of a song by Loreena McKennitt called Dante's Prayer that always really spoke to me. When Terri put out the call for people to submit their own bone sigh artwork and stories for her to showcase on her website, I figured it was the perfect time to share. :) This is a copy of the submission I made.

This is the story behind the name of my business, "Love is there..." It feels especially appropriate that I be sharing this with the world now...this is a story that has been told to close friends and loved ones, but never in public. And now that I've decided to really put "Love is there..." out there for the world to see, it feels right that its origins be known. :)

And so, I present to you an ending and a beginning, all wrapped up in one night back in April, '03.

"Love is there..."

One night in April of 2003, just a few days before my mother's birthday, I got the urge to call her. I had talked to my mom quite a bit since my dad had died July of the year previous, at least once or twice a week, but for some reason I felt like giving her an extra call. And...no one answered. I called again a while later...still no answer. My mom lived alone in Montana, and I in Florida over 2,000 miles away. I never felt more helpless.

Like a reenactment straight out of some soap opera, I began calling hospitals in the Montana area around where she lived. I felt like I was reading off a script - my voice was fine and even as I called one hospital after another, and when the person on the other end actually responded yes to my query as to whether there was a Joanne Kull checked in...I felt like I split right down the middle.

Part of me wanted to scream, "No! This isn't how it's supposed to go! You got it wrong!" even as I calmly and evenly asked to be put through to her room. When my mom picked up, she sounded like a little girl caught doing something wrong. She said she hadn't wanted to worry me, and had even told her neighbors, the people who took her to the hospital when she passed out, not to call and upset me.

She said she was fine, nothing to worry about, they were just running a few tests. She wasn't fine. She lied to me. She was dying, and I never got the chance to really talk to her again. One of her neighbors finally called me a couple days later and told me the truth, that my mom was on a breathing machine and on her way out, I better get up there fast if I wanted to see her before she went.

Again, I split down the middle. How could this be happening? This was a joke, right? Things like this didn't actually happen to people. My mom didn't actually 'don't you worry about me' right to her own deathbed...did she?

Through one miracle after another I managed to get up to Montana within 9 hours of finding out the truth - my mom was dying, right beneath my very ears...right out of my life for-permanent-ever gone. Why didn't she tell me earlier? I had so much more to ask her, so much more to say...so much more to learn...

By the time I arrived, she was sedated and dependent upon the breathing machine. She could nod every once in a while, but she was too sedated to open her eyes. I never got to look into her eyes again...nor her, mine.

I didn't know what to do, didn't know what to say. I felt like a stick figure, a doll on parade for life's tragedy, and somehow I had forgotten my lines. So, I read to her. Jonathan Livingston Seagull...a short book, one she knew well and had raised me on. That was all I really had time for...all she really had time for. Her time was up, and she knew it. She asked to be taken off the breathing machine, and all but the most minimal of drugs. She wanted to experience a lucid death.

Even after the tube was out, she couldn't really speak. She made little sounds, gurgling gasping sounds that were somehow so terrible...then gave a little heartbreaking smile and shook her head apologetically. Apologetic even on her deathbed - something about that made me feel so very helpless.

Her breathing became even more labored...longer time between each one. So long had passed, it was horrible, waiting...will she breath again? Was the breath she just took going to be her last? And then she spoke to me.

Her face was animated, more animated than I had seen it since I had arrived, though she never opened her eyes. I've never had cause to use the word beatific before or since, but that's the only word that fits. Her face was beatific. Calm. Serene. She began to speak, labored, intense, stubborn words that sounded as if they were literally torn from her.

She said, "Echo echo echo...Love is there..."

"I hear you, I hear you, yes, yes," I said.

She just kept repeating the same thing over and over, each word sapping more and more of her strength. And I kept saying, "I hear you! I hear you, it is! Of course it is!"

This was her last mission, her last task before dying - you could see it written all over her face. I wasn't giving her the answer she was looking for.

"Echo echo echo...Love is there..." she strained, and then paused again.

I suddenly had a flash of memory from childhood. We lived in California, and had walkie-talkies in each room. My parents had lived, barely, through a huge earthquake in the '70s and were very prepared for the chance of another one. My mom and I had the fun job of testing the batteries in them every once in a while. She would say, "Echo echo echo, can you hear me?" and I was told that I was supposed to say back to her, "Echo echo echo, I can hear you!"

I said, "Echo echo echo...Love is there... I got it, mom. Love is there. Love is there!"

She smiled, proud of me, nodded her head, and then was quiet. Her job was done.

Her breathing came less and less frequently. It was torture, listening to her...a full minute between each breath. Suddenly I had the most intense impulse to leave the room. It didn't feel like it had come from me...and it was absolutely no-nonsense imperative about it. Leave. LEAVE NOW.

I got up and ran out of the room, and left the hospital in a big hurry. A couple minutes later, I felt as if someone was breathing me...my head turned up on its own, and I stared up at the huge moon in the sky, bigger and brighter than any moon I have ever seen. Love washed over me, true, pure, absolute love...and I knew, then, without a shadow of a doubt...my mom had died.

I got her message, though - Love is there. I received many subsequent messages in dreams, and even a huge wake-up call for me about the reality of life after death when she paid me a visit.

I will never forget the last thing she said...the last thing she had to teach me. "Love is there..."

"Love is there, mom... I got it. Love is there. And I'm coming to understand what you meant by that more and more every day."

Guiding Principles for My Business, "Love is there..."

09-25-06 11:11pm

I'm moving into a new space, where I'm really feeling ready to officially launch my business, "Love is there..." I've been doing things of this nature for a while now, readings of various types, meditations and the like... But this is the first time I've really felt serious about laying the groundwork, and setting things in motion on a grand scale.

With the help of my good friend Lori, I got some guidance in the area of how one goes about actually starting such a thing... o.O She said it was important to really put down in writing what it is I want to experience... What it is I want to do. Part of me wasn't sure about this for a while - I mean, I'm changing all the time. Set things in stone? Not my style. But, I finally realized today...you have to start somewhere.

How does that saying go, again? "Even a journey of a thousand miles begins and ends in one step." So, I will take a step, and once I take that step I'll look around and decide if I'm actually going where I want to go. :)

Lori then said to 'Abe it up', which in Abraham-Hicks-speak means to make it present tense as if you already are experiencing it, put a lot of feeling into it, and don't hold back on asking for what you want - but be sure to leave room for it to come to you in a form you may not be expecting.

And so, in honor of first steps everywhere...here is mine. :)

What I Want to Have in a Client and a Business

My clients are in a place where they are ready to move on whatever it is they're working with at the moment, and I synchronistically come in at the perfect time to give them that little nudge in the right direction that they need. They have a lot of money, and they're generous with it. They respect me and they greatly value my services.

I have a wide and varied client base, and they all value me so much that they often recommend my services to their friends with perfect synchronistic timing. Because of my varied client base, I get to do a wide variety of things, always keeping the experience fresh. My client's requests provide me with a good balance between the things I know I'm already good at, and opportunities for me to learn and grow. I feel wonderful in the knowledge that my business is growing comfortably and easily, at the perfect pace for me.

Clients come in at just the right times, with perfect timing and pacing so I never feel overwhelmed, and their desires trigger me into just the right action for them. I am constantly being presented with opportunities for fun new experiences. The majority of my clients are very comfortable working over the phone, and as clients approach who are wanting to work in person, the perfect space will magically appears.

My PR marketing experience is fun and easy. I get to go out and play with people and show them who I am, and in doing so, by their meeting me, they will remember me at just the right time when they're in need of my services. I get paid to do my marketing and have fun doing it, in the form of performing services, tarot parties, teaching, giving talks, and in many other ways I haven't thought of yet. People who enjoy me and what I do make offers all the time to give me free publicity of a wonderful, perfect nature.

I am happy, and my business is growing as I do, at a perfec pace for me. I feel wonderful knowing that every person I touch, be it through a session, teaching, or writing, or in other ways I have yet to think of, will go on to touch another person, and another...until one day, I will have indirectly touched, appreciated, and empowered the lives of every single person on the planet.

What I Want To Do

CONSULTATION
I have clients at pivotal life points, looking for a different perspective on:
- health
- career
- relationships
- spirituality
- anything

(This area works primarily, at the moment and with new skills being added all the time, with intuitive reading, aura reading, homework assignments, transformative dreamwork, and tarot.)

RELEASE
I have clients who have had enough, who have reached a point where they know there is something they need to let go, but haven't found a way to do so
- habitual behavior patterns
- anger
- loss
- pain
- low self esteem
- muddled thoughts/emotions

(This area works primarily, at the moment and with new skills being added all the time, with EFT, chinosis, cutting cords of attachment, aura reading, and healing with deeper perception techniques.)

HEALING
I have clients in healing crisis who want help with both consultation and release, as well as alternative healing.
- fibromyalgia
- lupus
- chronic fatique syndrome
- depression
- anything

(This area works primarily, at the moment and with new skills being added all the time, with all of the above, as well as the blessing of light, Chios, Reiki, Quantum Touch, Shamballa MD Healing, crystals, and custom made guided visualization meditations.)

CREATION
I have clients who can make use of my skills for helping them to empower themselves and manifest their dreams and desired realities.
- dreams
- healing
- releasing
- epiphany understanding

(This area works primarily, at the moment and with new skills being added all the time, with custom made guided visualization meditations, scripting and other Abraham-Hicks processes, the pink bubble technique, e-motional creating techniques, and training in the area of conscious intending, Law of Attraction and Manifestation.)

TEACHING
I want have several different places where I can teach whenever I feel like it, and students I can teach, who allow me to be myself and can gain benefit from what I have to offer right now, and all the new things I'll have to offer in the future.
- Transformative Dreamwork
- Tarot for Inner Transformation
- Co-Creating with the Archangels
- Guided Visualization for Health and Growth
- Crystal Healing and Ascension Grids
- Law of Attraction and Manifestation
- Aura Reading and Empathy Fun

(This area works with whatever I'm most interested in and feel people would benefit from the most. What I teach is automatically tailored to fit the audience, what they can use most, and what they're ready for. I'm interested in teaching my own stuff, and my own take on other's stuff.)

Myth #1 - Kind, Loving, Compassionate, Spiritual People Don't Get Angry

09-24-06 - 10:25am

Myth #1 - Kind, Loving, Compassionate, Spiritual People Don't Get Angry

Myth Current Status: False

I caught myself the other day (Friday) using just this myth on myself. I had a lot of anger bubbling up, a HUGE of irritation over my internet connection randomly popping up and down, right while I was attempting to update something on my website. This has been recurring theme the last week or so, and by Friday I was ready to go from fine to royally pissed off the instant my connection even looked at me funny.

Now, anger and I, we have a weird relationship... My parents were both severely abused by their parents when they were growing up. When they had me they made an agreement to never physically or emotionally abuse me, like they were abused. This is a promise they kept to each other, and though I did have some rough stuff I went through with my parents, I can say that I was never emotionally or physically abused by them.

I also, as a consequence, didn't learn how to healthily deal with anger while growing up. The way my parents kept their promise was to never show any really high emotion around me, anger primary among these. I caught sight of it at times, of the vast heights and depths my parents were capable of...but I viewd it only rarely, and only by accident. So I grew up with the idea that extremes of emotion weren't displayed.

I learned that good, loving people don't get angry, and they sure don't display it if they happen to slip up and accidently feel it. And spiritually advanced people? The ones who are supposed to be the most loving of all? Of course they don't ever feel anger in any form. I mean, if they did, how could they be the ultimate of loving people that they are?

Anger has been given a seriously bad rap. People are supressing it and deflecting it and hiding it left and right! But, I believe that, just like everything else in this universe, Anger serves a purpose. Here's my take on it:

Anger is an emotional response to having an experience that calls for action. An experience that in some way crosses a boundary a person has created to keep themselves safe, safe being defined however the person wants to define it. And so, this anger thing has its roots in the very first time anyone needed to take action to keep themselves safe - the good ole caveman days, for instance, where we had to actually fight for our survival.

Anger is a burst of energy whose sole purpose is to keep you safe. It's the energy you need to take action immediately, and its nature is to override all else (like thoughts) and make you take action in the way you need to in order to survive. Our impetus, though, has changed. No longer do we have a sabertooth tiger about to eat us - now we have a boss telling us to do something we don't feel we were hired for. Or someone cutting us off in traffic.

We are the ones who define the threats, and how threatening they are. We are the ones who create our own choice of alarm systems for when something or someone is encroaching on our safe space.

Some people don't take action in response to their own alarm systems because they've put in their own over-rides. The mind and personal will override the emotional anger response system and say, "Yeah, I know you just revved up a whole lot of energy because I told you to because I believe this is an emergency situation...but, we're not going to do anything with that energy at the moment, so put it away for later."

When someone ignores their alarm system and refuses to take action on their own call to action...the energy that is created has to go somewhere. At first, it goes out into the aura...hanging out in there, waiting for the chance to make itself useful. If the alarm system goes off multiple times without action being taken, that energy hanging around there just gets bigger, turning into a miasma dark cloud that colors everything a person sees until the whole world is a threat. Kind of like how a hammer sees everything in the world as a nail.

The person begins to react to little things, totally blown out of proportion since they have a Niagra Falls worth of energy behind them to fuel it - and dammit, action needs to be taken already! So the person reacts all out of proportion with a hair trigger, and with an overabundance of energy that, given a tiny hole to squeeze through, goes through so fast it forces a reaction instead of a response. (Reacting is acting without thought - responding is thoughtful action.)

A pet theory of mine is that women, with PMS and getting their period and all, use this time to cleanse out all the excess anger miasma hanging around them. They become even more touchy than usual, and prone to find something to dump that energy into. Perhaps because someone with a huge miasma of anger energy ends up affecting their unborn baby with it? Dunno! I'm sure it serves a purpose. :)

And then...you get people like me, whose belief system around anger is warped and VERY strong (I was a people pleaser, after all - people aren't usually pleased when you dump anger on them ;) ). You get someone whose will overrides all warning systems, including PMSing, who just collects that energy for so long that it becomes a habitual thing to dump anger into the auric holding bin.

Anger is suppressed when a person, for some reason, doesn't think they have a right to feel what they're feeling, believe what they're believing, or to take action the way their heart/soul is telling them to. Sometimes they get into such a habit of suppression that they go right from stimulus to suppress without even realizing they were angry in the first place. That would be me - or it was me. I'm getting more in touch with myself these days. :)

The unused energy will hang around in a person's energy body, their aura, for a while...waiting for its chance to be used in a constructive way. If the anger energy remains there long enough, it will become a physical manifestation. It will filter down into the body and become joint pain or gall stones, for instance. Or liver dysfunction or heart problems. I'm convinced that a huge amount of the physical dysfunction we experience as humans has its root cause in unexpressed emotion - be it anger, grief, etc.

Sometimes we can remain in a habitual anger suppression pattern even after that energy manifests itself into the physical body. And of course this will exacerbate any dis-ease or dysfunction a person may have going on, adding to it, strengthening it.

Dis-ease in the body is a signpost for what kind of emotion has been suppressed.

It's all there - just ask an accupuncturist, or a masssage therapist, or...Louise Hay! (Author of You Can Heal Your Life) ;)

So, next time you get out of proportion angry about some little thing - you can bet there's something big that you didn't give yourself permission to be angry about. I discovered that if you give yourself a chance to express - if you catch the warning signs that you've been supressing something - it will unpeel almost like an onion. Layers.

To get back to my story about the internet connection, I was royally pissed off about that...waaaaay out of proportion ANGRY. See, it's okay to get angry at inanimate objects, in my belief system - especially when you're alone. ;) But, I recognized, I had way too much anger for it just to be about that, so I must have something even bigger that I didn't let myself feel that's powering this. I had no idea what it was, but I knew I wanted to get that anger out of me while the iron was hot.

So, I began to stomp my feet. I yelled into pillows. I hit my bed with a whiffle bat I bought just for that purpose... I got some of it out, but not all of it... I ended up going to the gym, thinking some physical exercise might help channel this energy, and in doing so I got into my car. I realized I had some really angry music in the car (Queen of the Damned Soundtrack) and put the cd in and began to sing along.

I don't know what the people around me in traffic could have thought, but at the time I didn't care. :P I really got into that music! Had it up really loud, singing at the top of my lungs, not holding back one ounce of the anger I felt. The deep, seething rage...

Suddenly I realized I was singing about my mother. I had a Cord of Attachment cut to her last weekend, on Sunday (That's a post for another time! I will be posting about it - it's incredible and has changed my life), and I had cried for two days afterward (Monday, Tuesday), but I hadn't gotten at all angry... Well, I made up for lost time. I felt my throat open up and my lungs fill with air as I expressed all that anger and rage at what I had to experience with her. I didn't make any excuses. I didn't forgive her, or worry about being unkind to a dead person. I just expressed my rage at the pain I had to experience...

And then I felt better. Worn out, rung like a dishrag and empty no-feeling better...but better. And afterward, I felt MUCH better, like a huge bounder I had been lugging around with me everywhere had disappeared. My hands (The fingers are various bent positions) showed improvement the next day...less red around the knuckles, less swolen, slightly improved range of motion.

The bouncing internet connection doesn't bother me much anymore, and suprisingly enough (or not surprising at all, depending on how you look at it), it fixed itself the next day. :)

So... to say that a person never gets angry or feels anger is to say that they have no boundaries at all. No sense of Self that needs protecting in any way. No need for an alarm system, or a call to act on their own behalf.

I personally don't believe that there's anyone on the planet right now that doesn't have a sense of Self that needs defining and protecting. My belief is that those people who are very in touch with themselves just respond immediately, in the moment when their alarms go off, and never repress anything - and so to everyone else appear to never 'get angry'.

How did you go from one point to the next?

09-22-06 - 12:25am (so I guess it's really 09-23...but it doesn't feel like it! ;)

I realized that a whole week had gone by since a comment was made, without my responding to it. I finally did, and realized, what I said was very landmark for me... a real defining of Dawn'ness... And so, I decided to take the exchange and make it into its very own post - with some deeper explanations and added facets, of course :)

Ryan said...

Wow, Dawn, you write such deep entries that I don't know how to respond to most of them.

You have, up 'til now, dedicated your life to the happiness of everyone around you, because at some point you made the mistaken conclusion that that's where your own happiness resides. But you aren't happy and you don't know why. All you are is drained, left wondering what happened, and seriously pissed off.

How did you go from that point to realizing that you put other people's needs over your own?

8:40 PM EDT
Dawn of "Love is there..." said...

'ello Ryan! :)

Sorry it took me so long to reply! I went to Rose's Healing with Deeper Perception intensive last weekend, and had the cord of attachment to my mother cut. It's taken me 'til now to regain my equilibrium enough to answer. :)

Well, I got to that point - the tired and pissed off point - three years ago. It's taken me until now to realize just what I had been doing, and how... and I did so by having a synchronistic symphony of reading material and tapes and experiences and dreams all fall into my lap at the same time.

When I get ahold of even a hint of a self-limiting belief, I immediately put it out to God/The universe/whatever and say 'help me let this go. bring me what I need to gain the understanding I require to release this - I don't need it anymore'.

That's my modus operendai right now, as they say. :) I am in 'release limiting beliefs' mode, and have been ever since my life fell apart. Every time I find one it's almost like a minor celebration goes on within me.

It's like, "Yes! I've found something that's been getting in the way of me experiencing the fullness of what I can be! Bring it on, right now - I'm ready to let it go and experience even *more* of how awesome I really am, once I release it.'

That's how. :) It's not an 'easy' route... though it's gotten easier as I've come to understand that things are as hard as I resist them... It's a route full of ups and downs, and vast discoveries, and massive releasings.

It is, in fact, this experience that I am having of dis-ease that has been the driving force, the impetus that has kept me going all this time... Even when I feel like I may be at a point where I can relax into just being me and having a 'normal' life...physical pain wakes me up and moves me to continue my search for more releasing. And for that, I am thankful. Every time I have another major release - every time I move more into my own joy of being who I am - I get better and lose another symptom. I've already done what doctors said was impossible. I know, with the full power of my heart, that I will be symptom free one day in the not too far future. *images of doing cartwheels into the rheumatologist's office ;)*

For now, all of my time is going into getting to the root of True Dawn... For True Dawn, dis-ease is not a reality, and joy and love is all there is. When I'm not doing that, I am doing healing service work through my website's business. Even in that, I am discovering facets of my main joy in life, all the time, and expanding my True Dawnness.

The joy I get out of helping others, and the fact that I can see how much my releasing junk enables me to be of even greater service? That's what makes it all worth it. :) That's where my happiness resides. It resides in being the most Me, the closest to True Dawn that I can be in any given moment - and True Dawn really, apparently loves helping others become more True WhoeverTheyAre. :)

*hugs!*
- Dawn

12:23 AM EDT

Happiness - My cup runneth over :)

09-14-06 - 10:09am

I've been thinking about the subject of happiness for a bit now...rolling it around in my head, getting a feel for my own relationship to it. And, of course, with perfect timing up popped an Abraham-Hicks tape that had been laying around in my car, unlistened to, for months.

By the way, as a side note, though it may appear that I'm an Abraham-Hicks fanatic from all the times I mention them in my posts...it's actually somewhat rare that I work with their materials. I just happen to often be drawn to them at pivotal points, and whatever I happen to encounter at those times is always just what I needed to make my next intuitive leap. :)

Anyway! Back to happiness, and this tape. They happened to be talking on the same exact subject I had read about in their book, The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent, in my last post - about substituting others' happiness, or definition of happiness, for your own. What they had to say about it really went right to my core...

They said that, early on as a baby, you discover that it feels good to make others' feel good. (For Abraham-Hicks, by the way, feeling good equates to moving in alignment with your highest self and your path of greatest joy) You feel good, they feel good, and you get a double dose of Feel Good. Especially if you happen to be an empath.

It's easy to make others' feel good - often times easier than maintaining your own alignment and making yourself happy. You get instant feedback, too, when you modify your behavior to bring others' happiness. Right out there in the outside world. Instant gratification.

I became extremely good at this. Using all of my energy, skills, and empathic awareness, I became an expert at pleasing others, early on in life. And then I got into trouble... It got to a point where I wasn't checking in with myself any more at all when I would act to make someone else happy. Other people's happiness had taken the place of my own North Star - I mistook their North Star for mine, and so placed their happiness before my own. I ended up getting myself into some pretty ugly situations.

The sexual abuse I experienced when I was a child and a teenager - it was all geared around the concept of 'make them happy'. (Wow - the things I discover as I write. This is true! Holy crap, this is true! :P) And it was actually me abusing myself, if you want to take it a step further. In every single situation, I had the opportunity, more than once, to say no...and I didn't. I didn't because I was doing what was asked of me, something that would make someone else happy. I had placed their happiness above my own.

The crushing of my soul feeling that I experienced was me doing the crushing, by refusing to accept that maybe my own happiness was more important than someone else's. By my disregarding the clamoring, yelling person inside my head saying, 'No! You don't understand right now but you'll regret this later! Trust me!' I didn't trust me.

And here's the real kicker... I rarely trusted me. I placed others' happiness above my own for the majority of my life, in many different ways. In all ways, really...other people's happiness came first, and if this ever set of a red alarm in me, I sometimes would look at it, but often times I wouldn't. I thought of myself as a 'good' person, a 'good' girl. Everyone always liked me, and this was very important to me. The thought of someone not liking me caused me terrible distress - even just imagining it was awful.

I lived this way, until 2003, when my mother's death hit the reset button on my life. I suddenly woke up and looked around and realized...something isn't right here. I didn't know what it was, but I was determined to find out. That's what I've dedicated my life to doing, since then - finding out, and making adjustments as I go along.

Now, to get back to Abraham-Hicks, they commented that a person acting in this way can find a reasonable amount of happiness in their life. They can get along, in other words, with a pale imitation of the happiness of their own highest self reflected back to them in the faces of those they 'make' happy. In the end, however, it isn't enough.

Even if, like me, you become a Master of making people happy. Even if, like me, you have always had high empathy skills and can know what a person wants and act to fulfill or fascilitatt it before they even know what it is themselves. It isn't enough, because right away you begin to enter into a deficit state.

No one can be happy enough to align You with your Highest Self and your path to greatest happiness.

And if you depend on them to do so, you become an angry ghost of a person. You enter into deficit, wondering why you aren't happy. You've been Good. You've done everything anyone ever wanted you to do...and yet you aren't happy. You've expended your life force, your energy, creating and fascilitating the dreams of others...and yet you aren't happy, though by all rights, according to everything you hold true about the world, you should be.

If you're stubborn like me, and if you're true to your original conclusion like I was, you decide it must be something you did wrong. You up your skill set and become even better at pleasing others. You bend over backward even farther...

You do it, and when you do so you enter even farther into deficit and become even more desparately lost. And that's when you start to get angry. Really Angry. At Everyone. You have, up 'til now, dedicated your life to the happiness of everyone around you, because at some point you made the mistaken conclusion that that's where your own happiness resides. But you aren't happy and you don't know why. All you are is drained, left wondering what happened, and seriously pissed off.

AKA Me, circa 2003. ;)

Me with twisted, constantly painful joints, eyes that are deep, endless resovoirs of love and compassion (at the expense of Self), a liver and spleen that are toxic to the point that it was killing me, a contagious laugh and a smile that could make anyone smile with me, a life built on the framework of the fleeting shadows of others' dreams and desires, and no concept of who I really am, or what I really want.

I don't recommend it. :P

After the reset button was hit on my life in my heart and soul, I hit the reset button physically and got out of my outside life, too. I left most of my possessions, all of my friends, my job...My Old, Broken Life...behind, and moved to Virginia. I arrived there with three purposes. Three burning questions:

1. Is there a God?
   
2. How do I heal my body, mind, heart and soul?
   
3. Who am I and what do I want?
   

And that's what I've been working with since I got here. :)

Now, almost exactly 3 years later, I have come to some conclusions.

• There is a God, and I am a part of Him, experiencing what it is like to forget who He is, and then to remember again.
  
• I have discovered that I heal, on all levels, by reaching for new heights of truth.
  
• I now know that I am a healer and a teacher. I have also discovered that I don't have a clue what I want, just yet.
  

My primary conclusion, though, has been that these are lifelong questions...their answers evolving and shifting and growing as I do.

So! Back to the original subject for this post. :) Happiness.

Upon concluding this, upon realizing that I had built my life upon fulfilling the fleeting and fickle desires of others, I was shocked and appalled. And angry and lost and regretful and did I say shocked? I wondered what I should do now... Should I rebel and not do a single nice thing for anyone, out of fear that I may inadvertantly fall back into disregarding my own happiness? That seemed a bit extreme.

Should I cloister myself and hide from the world, shelter myself from the desires of people so I wouldn't be tempted to sell myself out, again? This, too, seemed a bit extreme. (I did notice, though, that I have been very sheltered since I reset my life.)

I slept on it.

And I woke up with an amazing, total understanding. Making other people feel good does feel good! It is a part of who I am, and it has become refined over the last three years as I have discovered that I am a healer and a teacher, here to help people grow into their own potential. I was, in a way, acting out my highest purpose the whole time - it was the energetic stance that was creating the deficit.

See, I was conforming, acting, giving, in order to make people happy so that they would, in turn, make me happy. I had a need, and in my own way was a weird breed of psychic vampire. Eek! ;) I had a need for them to be happy, and so, when they were happy, I would get a return on my energetic investment. Problem was, it was never a 100% return, and it certainly was never over 100% so I was never able to expand. And, in addition, I was falling below my own level of integrity and acting counter to my very own soul, at times, to give people what they needed - so I could get what I needed. I didn't know any other way.

I have a new stance. My happiness comes first. :)

I will become a new kind of expert. :) I will become a Master of checking in with myself. With all those empathy and people reading skills I worked on so hard all those years - I will read myself. And, when I know it will make me happy to take action, I will take action.

It's a subtle difference semantically, but a huge difference energetically. I will be happy making someone else feel good (reach for their potential, see the light in themselves that I have become so good at seeing), as opposed to making someone else feel good so I can be happy. It plays on the whole 'my cup runneth over' thing, where you fulfill yourself first, and then have more to give others.

Outwardly I will not change. Inwardly, there will be a world of difference.

I will, forever more, place my own happiness first. Because when I do this, I am following my own North Star and lining up with my own greatest good and highest joy. And by doing this, I will, in the end, have much more to give to others - which will, in turn, make me happy. :)

Feel Your Compass and Compass Your Feel

09-11-06 - 11:11am

I am reading the Abraham-Hicks book, The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent. There's a line in there that really sat badly with me... Here's the paragraph before the line (to give a sense of continuity), and the line that bothered me, the last part:

"Another important component of a satisfying life experience is a recognition of your value and your worthiness, and you can achieve that awareness only through an actual Connection ith that Non-Physical part of you. In other words, if you do not consciously realise who-you-really-are, and manage to vibrationally align with who-you-really-are, there is no physical substitute for that Connection.

Some try to fill that feeling of void that is present when they are not vibrationally aligned with their Non-Physical Inner Being, Consciousness, God, Source or Energy (there are many different names for this Non-Physical part of you [but they all add up to mean who-you-really-are as referred to above]) in a variety of ways: Some seek approval from others, some seek approval by attempting to modify their behavior in order to conform to rules or guidelines of one group or another, and some work hard to excel in their personal behavior by comparing their behavior to that of others they are observing - but there is no substitute for your vibrational alignment with You." (pgs 19-20)

It actually bothered me enough that I put the book down...a clear sign that there was something there for me to work with. I didn't work on it then...I just moved on to another book for a while, then went to sleep.

When I woke up, I had some new thoughts rolling around in my head...and as I spoke them into my recorder, I surprised myself. So, I'm writing about it here!

I think, when I was first starting out this life, I relied on my mom to show me where my happiness lies - and to a lesser extent my dad. She obviously knew more than I did...and could do things I couldn't do... She took care of me, loved me, knew all the answers to all my questions. She was a given as far as I was concerned when it came to looking to someone to tell me where my happiness lies.

When I first got out into the world, school and my grandparents, they apparently didn't agree with my mom about where my happiness lies... When I talked too loud or wouldn't stop crying they threw me in closets and beat me... This traumatized me greatly, but didn't make me conform. (I just got out of the situation completely, each time. New school, and never stayed over at grandma's house again ;) )

It was shame that did it for me... My mom's key phrase when I would do something she didn't like was, "You're not living up to your potential." It was devastating to hear that! And when teachers started using it...I conformed immediately and utterly and became a model student.

I was looking for something... My Potential ... and I didn't know where to find it, so I began looking to others to tell me. Living Up to My Potential = Happiness in my book, because my mother said so... thing was, she never told me what My Potential was, she just let me know when I wasn't living up to it. I.e. when I was doing something she didn't like. I believed that she must know or she wouldn't be saying it, but...now, I'm thinking...maybe she didn't.

She loved me...she thought endlessly highly of me...but she had no clue what my potential was or is. She gave me no direction to go in...just told me when I was going in the *wrong* direction. And when she died...no wonder I was so lost! :P

No wonder I've been so lost and aimless my whole life! :P I never know what I want to do or what I want to have or be... I just know what I don't want, immediately. I think, and I may be wrong here...that I have adapted my own internal guidance system to conform with the role model my mom presented. I.e. my internal guidance system speaks in my mother's voice. :P

What do you do when you live, and/or excel, beyond the person that you believe holds the key to your happiness?

I bet a lot of people experience this... and maybe it's made up of the voices of those who effect us most, when we're very young. "Hello world! I'm here, now how to I become happy? They're taking care of me when I'm helpless, they know more than I do, so they must know where I can find my happiness..." But in the end, they can't, they can't ever actually lead us to our happiness - because, in reality, when it really comes down to it: They Don't Know Where It Is! We just believe they do.

Now we need to learn and remember that the light that shines the brightest isn't necessarily the light that leads us to our own happiness. It's the quiet voice...the one underneath all the other voices we've gathered. (There's a great exercise in the book called Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck called Meet Everybody, that helps you to figure out just how many voices you have rolling around in your head, telling you what to do and what's 'right'. Great book :) )

The thing is, there is a higher internal guidance system that has always been present... One that can let you know if you're in alignment with that still, quiet voice or not, even if you can't hear it. One that I just didn't know was there when I was born, and didn't know how to access once I got older and gave my power away to my mother's definition of where my happiness lies. According to Abraham-Hicks, the way we tell whether we're in allignment with this inner North Star or not, is through paying attention to our emotions.

The basic premise is: When we're in allignment with the small, still voice inside, we feel good (i.e. when we're pointed in the general direction of our joy). When we aren't (i.e. when we're moving in the opposite direction of our joy), we don't. It can be like a compass leading us to ourselves. (much like the North Star referred to in the aforementioned book) You take it one step at a time...one thought at a time...one feeling at a time. We think, we act, we feel. We feel the compass. Feeling our compass and compassing our feel, it tells us if we're on the right path. If we're on track, in alignment, heading in the direction of our highest happiness and joy - we feel good!

The system is so simple and basic that we overlook it because of the bright shiny people right in our faces telling us that "No! You're wrong! Your happiness is *this* way." And as well meaning as these people can be (or not, sometimes. Sometimes they're just wanting you to conform to make their life easier) they can't actually tell you a thing about where your happiness lies.

They can tell you what to do, and take the responsibility out of your hands for you...but they can't point you toward your happiness, or even make you happy. They just don't know where or what it is, for You. (post-script, 09-15-06, early AM: I felt led to read this post again, later, after writing the subsequent post I wrote yesterday morning. I realized that, even as I wrote this paragraph just a few days ago, I was still acting and believing on a mistaken conclusion. I had, long ago, mistaken others' happiness for my own. Between my writing this paragraph in this post, and my writing the post after this one - I realized what had happened.)

And no amount of conformity or Living Up To My Potential will find it for me. Only I know how to find it...by following my own North Star, by following my own emotional guidance system. No one else can do that for me, even if I've thought they could for 30 years. Even if I wish they could...even though they're gone now.

No on can do this, no one can discover, step by step, my path to happiness. No one can do this...but Me.

If this subject interests you, Ask and it is Given by Abraham-Hicks would be an awesome place to find out more. Their website is amazing, too! Lots of great stuff, and an intro to their work, can be found at www.Abraham-Hicks.com. :)

Transformative Dreamwork: Incubating a dream

09-10-06 - 11:07am

Personal note, written after the entire post was written and tagged on to the beginning. :)

The following is a very personal look into Dawn World. :) I thought more than once about whether I wanted to share something so personal with who knows who, but I decided, you know what? Someone out there may benefit from this the way I have...and if I can share my process with them, maybe that will empower them. And so, here you have it, four days worth of dreams and interpretation all with the purpose of transforming the way I look at the world, from the inside out.

It's all very real, very gritty and visceral - just like life. ;) So if you get squicked out easily, you may want to just hit delete or move along now. :) But, if you're interested in taking a real look at yourself through transformative dreamwork, then I offer you a vicarious experience, through the relating of my own transformative dream work, and what I'm getting out of it. I hope that you find it helpful and that it may perhaps inspire you to do your own dreamwork! :)

I'm reading (or actually listening - it's on CD) to a new book! Your Sleeping Genius - Harnessing the Hidden Power of Your Dreams by Gayle Delaney, Ph.D. I've only listened to a bit so far, but it's already changed some of my views about dreaming! Here's some neat things I came to understand, so far:

• There's no such thing as random junk in your dreams - it's all important
  
  
• Your mind is totally awake when you're dreaming, just on a deep, metaphoric, symbolic level that we can reach only with a lot of effort when we're consciously awake
  
  
• Dream Dictionaries are just made up of stereotypical dream archetypes that could mean something utterly (or subtley) different to you - you can't give your power away in defining your dream symbolism, you're the only one with the key.
  
  
• Once you find *your* symbolism and make your own dictionary, it's likely to remain in place, though even this may evolve over time and life's experience
  
  
• You know that 80% of the brain we don't use when we're awake? We have total access to it when we're asleep.
  

Interesting, huh?! Well, she had a process she recommended, right at the beginning of the book called Incubating a Dream that I decided to try out. I began this four days ago. What you're supposed to do is keep a journal and write down four or five things that describe the highlights of your day. Then you write down your question, and repeat it to yourself before you fall asleep. To my understanding, this is like priming the pump, setting yourself up to be in a frame of mind as you enter dreamland. And then you're supposed to record your dream first thing when you wake up, while it's still fresh.

Here's my lines for Night One (Wednesday, 09-06-06 - night/morning of the lunar eclipse):

Today I was very tired, feeling sick. I woke up and I didn't feel good at all, but I decided to go to the gym anyway. Was very tired. People said I didn't seem like myself.

I was very slow all day. Mentally, physically, emotionally, I was a wreck. Kept hitting my head and running into things. Couldn't seem to process anything quickly. Crying randomly.

I seem to be getting random memories from all different times, too...very vivid, full of emotion.

Keith and I watched Netflix movies tonight, with dinner. I felt better afterward, but I still feel discombobulated. I've had a relatively high level of anxiety all day, but I couldn't say exactly why. Like, there's a pressure on my chest. That time of the month also started today, 4 days early - very unusual.

My right shoulder is hurting a lot - unusually and noticibly. I looked it up in Louise Hay's book, You Can Heal Your Life, in the appendix in the back. It said that it has to do with enjoyment of life and allowing our experiences to be joyful and easy. And that it's our attitude that can make life a burden.

Night One Question:I would like some input on changing my attitude.

Night One - Recorded Dream:

Oh, ugh! What a nightmare! I dreamt about a man and a woman in a shadowy lab like place with a cement floor - looked like a morgue. They were older, like in their 70s maybe, and obviously loved each other very much. The woman was lying naked on a shiny metal table, one of those cold doctor ones, and holding the man's hand while he looked down at her, very worried. She kept saying, "I don't want to be a burden, I'll make it real easy for you. We can even begin draining my body now so the embalming will go faster for the funeral."

The man isn't arguing but he's horrified. So's the woman. Next scene is her hanging from the ceiling from her wrists in a corner of the morgue-like doctor's office. A nurse is moving two buckets under her feet. The woman is really martyring herself, self-sacrificing for the man. I get the sense that the nurse is about to unzip the woman (whatever gruesome thing that means) and let all of her fluids run out into the bucket, and it freaks me out so bad I wake up. Yuck.

Night One - Interpretation:

Well, I think I am both the man, and the woman... I know I have two sides (at least ;) to my personality...one the 'adult' and one the 'child'. I think in this case the woman represented my child side...and the man my adult side. I think the nurse may represent the ability to ask for help, but I'm not sure.

That it's all taking place in a sterile, morgue-doctor like office makes me think of a very clinical way of looking at things. Uncomfortable and devoid of compassion (you can imagine what doctor experiences I've had ;) ) - very analytical. Laying naked on one of those tables was one of the scarier experiences I had when growing up, knowing that pain is coming, uncomfortable, confused and totally stripped of your defenses.

The hanging from the ceiling part represents, to me, placing myself in an utterly uncomfortable position and allowing my life and emotions to drain from me to make someone else happy because I have given my power away entirely to an idea. It represents fear, confusion, and self-sacrifice in the face of adult (in this case another side of me) will.

Night One - Synopsis:

Part of me isn't liking this at all! It feels forced to give up its life, for some reason. I do think that the 'draining' that was about to take place has to do with emotions. I've really been thinking about that lately, about how maybe I make things more difficult than they need to be, because I believe that I must process through emotions fully in order to gain the benefit of my life from them. That to let them just flow out of me is to give up my life.

Night Two (Thursday, 09-07-06):

Woke up feeling better physically today, but very depressed and drained. I listened back over some of my audio notes, deciding to work on putting together a new workshop, and heard the tone of my voice over the last couple weeks. And suddenly all at once I was tired of myself. Tired of the Ee-ore (from Winnie the Pooh!) sound in my voice. "Enough is enough!" I thought, and proceeded to go into the meditation area I set up for myself and sit there, breathing deeply and too quickly. I was angry at myself.

I set the timer I have in there for 15 minutes and decided if I was going to do this, I should do it 'right' and began going into a four four pattern (breath in deep, hold for four, breath out deep, hold for four) I remembered the power of the breath to release stuff, get circulation going, etc. Afterward, I felt very much more alive, and all colors were more vibrant. I felt more like my old self again.

Went out to lunch with a friend and talked about the dream. She said it sounded like I was holding on to emotions and thought of them as my life.

Made a special stop and bought some props for Keith's photography shoot - that felt good.

Role Played on Harper's Tale Moo for an hour, as an angry, quirky little girl of 10 years old whose parents had died. She lived alone for 6 months. Specifically role played her getting a bath and all new clothes.

Night Two Question:How do I allow more joy into my life?

Night Two - Recorded Dream:

I had the weirdest dream about using the bathroom! I wouldn't let the toilet flush, even though I was supposed to. I flushed it, but stopped it all half way down the pipe, and then asked for help getting it to unclog. When help came, the person went to get a tool, and I secretly sabotaged everything so that even when he fixed it he wouldn't know it was still broken and keeping all the 'stuff' half way down the pipe.

Night Two - Interpretation:

Well, we're still on the subject of bodily fluids, if of a different kind this time. I think that this, again, really has to do with emotions and letting stuff go. I think, again, both people in the dream are me; the person using the bathroom is my child side me, my real power deep me...while the person trying to fix the toilet I feel represented, again, my adult will to do something the child side of me doesn't want but believes should want.

Night Two - Synopsis:

I still believe I need to hold on to stuff, even though half of me is working hard to find a way to let it go.

Night Three (Friday 09-08-06):

I woke up feeling pretty good today. Still no gym, but overall pretty good. Also, a new thing has been added to my routine - deep breathing. I'm doing it every morning now, for 15 minutes. I decided. Even if I don't agree with it sometimes, even if I don't understand why I'm doing it, I'm still going to do it. The benefits are immense and I'm just going to have to trust myself.

I worked with Rose Rosetree today, teaching her Chios Energy Field Healing! I feel I did a great job, and she said as much herself. She also learned a few things, which I'm so happy about - I had fears that she would already know so much that I would have nothing to offer, but that wasn't the case. I just adapted and taught her levels 1 and 2 at the same time, and with all that combined stuff, there were a few new things for her. :)

I got home pretty late, so Keith and I went out to Anita's Mexican for dinner, and then watched some more Netflix.

Night Three Question:Please help me find a new way to relate to emotions.

Night Three - Recorded Dream:

I dreamt I was a viking! Long blond hair, very strong, captain of the ship sailing stormy seas and calm seas, and loving my life. Good dream.

Night Three - Interpretation:

Water is here again, and I'm really beginning to see a theme with this in my dreams. But this time, I was fully present and in command/control of the situation, able to ride the waves with complete freedom and sense of Self. It really felt like both sides of me, the child and the adult, were present in the viking man. There was a wonderful sense of clarity of simple purpose, and total self-reliance and self-assurance. He/I was intoxicated with life, the smooth sailing and the rough.

Night Three - Synopsis:

It appears I have regained a sense of personal mastery and power, and that a balance is being struck between the two sides of me with a common goal of fun, learning and enjoyment. An understanding is being found that we, the child side and the adult side of me, have a common goal - I think that's the biggest thing.

Night Four (Saturday 09-09-06):

I woke up with lots of little hurts body wide, but overall felt pretty good. Mentally clear, emotionally feeling pretty even keeled.

We went to the zoo! Reston Zoo. Got to feed the animals and take a tractor ride around the property. It was fun. :)

Physically, as the day went along, I began to feel drained and the little hurts became bigger hurts. I was happy to flop down and watch some good 'ole Buffy the Vamprie Slayer (Keith and I are working our way through the series one disc at a time) at the end of the day.

I had a conversation with Keith about Abraham-Hicks and how I had been so happy for the month of January, when I first discovered their processes for maintaining joy. But that after I encountered the rheumatoid doctor and got that awful prognosis, I felt the need to 'Go There' and process through all this stuff. Was I wrong? Should I not have done what I did? Keith very wisely pointed out that at the time I did the best I could...and that maybe I didn't know there was a different way to process emotions, but that I'm learning how to do that now, and so that when I'm ready I can return to maintaining my joy with new skills in place.

Night Four Question:What is this new way of processing through emotions?

Night Four - Recorded Dream:

I dreamt about watching over a bunch of kids - all boys, different ages ranging from 4 to 11. I think there was five of them... I gave them all squirt guns and had one myself, and we were shooting each other. There was a white plastic like sheet beneath us, and all the water we had been shooting had run off our bodies and collected there. I used a white cloth to sop it up and squeeze it into a very large juice glass. The glass had lots of speckles on it, all in rainbow colors, and was filled amazingly fast of milky grey water. I handed the glass to a little boy, around 4 maybe, and asked him to take the glass to the kitchen. He proceeded to dump the water back out, and turned to take the glass (just the glass) to the kitchen. I grabbed him and calmly explained that I was cleaning up the water and putting it into the glass, and that all of it needed to go in the kitchen. He understood, then, and held the glass out for me to fill it again. Then I woke up.

Night Four - Interpretation:

Water is definitely a theme, and I *definitely* believe it has to do with emotions, and the way I am processing them right now. There again was the child and adult, but we were both playing together in this dream...and working together toward a common goal.

Night Four - Synopsis:

I am ready to take emotional release in new ways seriously, on all levels, without giving power away, martyring myself, or sticking my head in the ground and not facing stuff I need to. It feels like things are much more balanced, and have that playful feel to them that I love about my self when I'm fully in my own power and self-authenticity.

Coming Face to Face With Myself

(click to listen!)
09-06-06 - 5:28pm

(This entry was originally an e-mail that I sent out to the Abraham Hicks Meetup group I had shared lunch with the day before. The experience was inspired by them. :)

I ended up spending quite a bit of time off by myself Sunday evening, doing some soul searching, and then that night I had the coolest vision experience dream! It was funny, actually... Very Dawn. ;)

For some back story, my beliefs are totally echoed in the book Journey of Souls by Michael Newton as far as life after death and all that. I believe that we are here to enjoy life, but primarily to learn, and to empower ourselves. That we chose to forget our magnificence because it's kinda boring just sitting around being all powerful. So, we cloaked ourselves - because we're so powerful that we can even choose to forget how powerful we are - and then started coming to Earth to have the awesome experience of discovering just how amazing we really are. :)

In the Journey of Souls the room of Life Planning (There's a much better name for it, but that'll do for now - can't remember) where you go and choose your place of birth and body and parents and all that. And then you follow lines of probability and set up contracts with other souls who will be around during your life. You don't map out your entire life - just the pivotal points.

That said, the greatest thing happened last night! :) I was half asleep, still thinking about the day's events and how everything feels like it's coming to a major turning point in my life. I was thinking about how I had looked several of you right in the eyes and said, with half-hearted conviction, that life isn't about having fun...life is about learning and moving forward. That I have a mission...that I'm taking the hard back roads because I need to be able to map out an easy course for others...

And then I had two thoughts simultaneously. Rebecca's voice came to me, saying, "So, do you want to do this the easy way, or the hard way?" The second thought was, "Crap, I've been doing this to myself! How could I have forgotten? *Again*!?"

I realized that yes, I want to help people who are in personal pain and just waking up, just becoming conscious to the power they have in their own lives - but I can do this any way I want. *I* created my life - in fact, I'm creating it right now! Life isn't this big hairy deal that you have to 'get right' the first and only time. Life is not a test. I can choose to do whatever I want, in whatever way I want - the hard way, or the easy way, and even with the same results if I want. It just depends on what I want to experience, and how. In fact, I'm creating *this* very moment!

And suddenly there was this weird split view. An amorphous me standing at a huge plasma screen tv like thing, looking me right in the eyes. I saw me through the tv, laying in bed in the dark. I was so startled I opened my eyes in Real Life(tm), and the vision remained, superimposed over my own. I raised my hand and waved to the other me, and the other me waved back, and grinned. OtherMe grinned! Of all the things to do at this monumentous life-altering moment where I finally come face to face with my own creator (myself) ... I grinned!

For a moment I could feel the other me - and had the deepest sense of, "Everything's okay! You can't get it wrong, you can't ever get it done, and there will, sorry to say, NEVER be a day where you can feel and know that you have Arrived and have totally caught up and have nothing else to worry about or consider - untill YOU accept that it's TODAY. Right now. It's the worry mode that's constantly throwing you into a proposed some-day future where all will be perfect. All IS perfect. Right now.

The moment is already perfect and always was, is and will be. It's you that decides how you're going to experience it, and you have more power than you have even dreamed of. All those limitations you see? Self-imposed. Yeah. Even that one. Yep, that one too. Worry is the invisible chains that bind you to a future moment that will never come. All you need to do is remember: They're not there."